fat: here we go again

A couple of days ago I bought a really cool gray and blue raglan t-shirt with a NASA logo on the front. I got it in a men’s size medium which is what I normally get. I hesitated trying it on because I knew my tummy was going to be sticking out, but I tried it on any way.

Yikes!

Ugh.

Man.

ūüė¶

It wasn’t good. More horrible than I thought. I’ve never cared that much about my weight as far as being healthy or wanting people to be attracted to me. I do care about how clothes look on me. I want them to fit nicely. ¬†I’ve never been thin and don’t really care to be. I want to be at a weight where I feel comfortable. 180lbs is not it.¬†Seeing my stomach sticking out and the fat spilling out on my sides was startling.

Seeing that awfulness jolted me back into reality. I’ve gotten so friggin’ lazy. No drive. No motivation. I eat, take a sleeping pill and disappear into dreamland until it’s time for me to go to work.I have to get it together.

Where and how to start?

Well, I’ve done what I always do when I start feeling fat and a lack of motivation- make empty promises about losing weight and getting my life on track. I’m hoping this time I will find my groove and stick to it. I want to wear this shirt.

nasashirt

 

 

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fun with kik:no more fun with kik

My kik chat for lesbian and bi women looking for friends with benefits is dead. It couldn’t survive the HIV scare. ¬†Sad, really. It was a good chat room.

It all blew up one morning when the woman who was sleeping with the woman who claimed to have HIV told the entire room what happened. Everyone panicked. There were many pitchforks waving around. We were all very angry. Everyone got their feelings out.

I contacted the woman with HIV. She said she made the whole thing up because she didn’t know how else to end it with the woman she had been sleeping with. She said it was her friends bad idea to use one of the scariest, deadliest STDs known to man to get out of a situation. What. The. Fuck.It was crazy and I was furious. Furious because I had cried over the thought of her actually having HIV and her kids having to live with a mother who is living with that disease. Not to mention putting an innocent woman through such a scare. It was a nightmare.

I’m going to sound horrible from this point on…

She was gone and over the next few days the room became a support group. It sucked so bad. I felt bad for the woman that had to deal with this scare, but jeesum crow, I got tired of hearing about it after the woman who claimed to have the disease was bounced from the room. But she brought it up at every turn. Even in the new room I’d created to catch the overflow of members who couldn’t get into the original room because it was full. I got sick of it. Of her. It was annoying.

Every time we’d start a conversation,¬†she’d have to shoehorn in her dilemma. Even going so far as to post her test results. The fuck? This is not what the room was for.

To make matters worse one of the other members found out she was pregnant then the room became about that. Every fucking post about how she was dealing with morning sickness or gas or throwing up or pooping. What is sexy about that? What in the hell happened to my group? Pregnancy and HIV?

No. No. No. This. No. This was terrible. I hated it. I couldn’t take it, so I told everyone that I was leaving, but would leave the group open for those who wanted to stay. After I left, a few of the other big players bounced as well.

It was a good idea and for a week we had a pretty good run, but it became too much. It was no longer fun. And then people complained about how it was no longer fun. No shit. Look at what was being talked about over the past few days. How do you transition from talking about HIV to something sexy. You can’t. You just feel bummed out.

I’m considering going back to my room. There are a few stragglers who are trying to keep the room alive, but there are going to have to be some changes made. I can’t go back to it being so fucking serious.

 

 

 

fun with kik: secrets and lies

It’s been a rough week in my kik group. Started with me and the woman I was kinda involved with bringing drama. Then the best friend of a member died back in their home country. The member was devastated about it. Then last night, one of the women revealed that she’d met her husband’s girlfriend whom¬†she’d only found out existed the night before. It¬†was total mess. That was all child’s play compared to the atomic bomb that was placed in my lap earlier this morning.

“Is she really that important?”

Was the question a new member asked last week when a senior member *Karen* chose to leave because I’d removed another member from the group because I thought it was a guy. She became upset with¬†me when I refused her request to re-add the member without proof that she was in fact a woman.

“She is fun, funny and keeps the group in stitches laughing so hard.

She will always be welcome here.”

That was my response to the new member. And it’s all true. Had it not been for this member, we’d still be stuck in an awkward loop of pleasantries. We wouldn’t know anything about each other. She is great at getting people to feel comfortable. ¬†That’s what makes what I found out tonight even more upsetting

“I have something to tell you.”

Read the text I received in the wee hours this morning in a private message from one of the members, *Alice*.

“Nothing bad, I hope”

Was my response.Knowing I was asking too much, I steeled myself.

“I wish it wasn’t”

*Alice* wrote back.

“I don’t even know how to tell you this.”

She continued.

jupiter

I put myself in break and waited for her messages. *Alice*¬†told me that she and *Karen* had been seeing each other. I knew about this. She didn’t know that I knew, but *Karen* told me in confidence about it a while ago. I wish it ended there, but it didn’t. She told me that she went to the ER earlier last week for some kind of break out. My heart sank. With the herpes thing from the liar I’d been dealing with still fresh in my mind, I immediately thought that was it. I heard the first flare up can be pretty bad. That wasn’t it.

She told me that what she’d had an allergic reaction to something, but while she was in the ER¬†they gave her a rapid HIV test. Thankfully, it came back negative. She also told me that *Karen” had told her last night that she is HIV positive and she’s known she’s been positive for six years.

Oh God, why couldn’t it have been herpes?

The bombs kept coming. *Alice* told me that *Karen* said that she hadn’t planned on telling her, but her best friend’s death last week prompted her to. Wow. ¬†I asked *Alice* if that was how the friend died. She confirmed that *Karen’s* friend had died of AIDS. Fuck.

I feel horrible. I am so scared and worried for *Alice*. I can only imagine the horror she is dealing with right now. Not being 100% sure. She said they used protection. I pray it was enough. I’m leaving what to do with “Karen* being in the group up to *Alice*.

saturn

I am furious with *Karen*, but at the same time my heart breaks for her. In the short time that I’ve known her, I have grown to care for her quite a bit. She did the impossible- made me comfortable enough to speak in a crowd and not fear what type of¬†response I would get. I will never forget that. I think of this tragic news and recall¬†a picture *Karen* once¬†posted of her two little kids and a flood of tears rush to my eyes. Having lost my dear aunt to it, I know what AIDS does to a person.

*Alice* told me that everyone in “Karen’s* home country new that she had HIV. That’s why she left. To come here for meds, treatment and a new start. I can’t imagine how lonely it must be and it’s somewhat comforting knowing that HIV isn’t the death sentence it used it be, but what *Karen* did is inexcusable. I am not ok with it at all. She knowingly, willingly put someone’s life at risk. I’m not sure what to do.

*Alice* and I have been chatting quite a bit about how to handle this. She’s as lost as I am. Understandably, she doesn’t want anything else to do with “Karen*, but feels sorry for her at the same time. ¬†We don’t want her exposing anyone else to what she has. The fact that she told *Alice* that she wasn’t planning on telling her anything horrifies me. Who knows who else she has been keeping this from? She flirts with everyone in the group.

Fuck.

pluto

curiouser and curiouser. further down the rabbit hole i went

“Isn’t she married?” Hazel asked me during our conversation yesterday about the woman I’d been talking to who had secretly messaged her.

“Divorced.” I texted back and we went on with our conversation, but that question kept bouncing around in my head. Nagging at me. Begging me to dig for more information.

The next morning I messaged Hazel and asked if the woman told her that she was married. Hazel responded “Yes, she told me she was married.”

And now we have arrived at the changeover.

changeover

Fuck.

It all started to make sense.

How did I miss it?

Why did I never question things?

With the confusion anger started to creep in. I wasn’t upset about her flirting with people in the group. I wasn’t upset about her private messaging people. I wasn’t even upset about her telling me she was too overwhelmed to continue things with me. I was upset because she had spent two months lying to me. Two months trying to make me believe that she wanted to be more. Even going so far as to tell me she wanted us, at some point, to move closer together. She called me love and her future. Why?

And now I have all of these moments popping up that should have been red flags that are now only visible in hindsight.

curiouser

A couple of weeks ago she told me that her roommate’s fiance was moving into their apartment. She said they had an agreement of no men and since he was moving in, she and her kids were going to move out. I found it a bit suspect. I wondered why the roommate and her fiance didn’t move into their own apartment instead of forcing a woman and her three kids out, but I didn’t ask.

A day later she tells me that her ex-husband said she and the kids could move in with him for the time being until she found a place because rent was super high. At the time I thought it was a nice gesture and told her that. Looking back now I can see that it was just a way to cover her ass if I questioned why she was living with her ex-husband. Not bad. I see no cracks.

Phone calls. We never talked on the phone outside of mornings. Late mornings. After she was at work. It didn’t seem out of the ordinary to me. Especially with my overnight work schedule. When I first let her into my chat group she showed out and I ended up removing her. I thought I would let things cool off a bit and then try and talk to her the next day.

I called her earlier than we would normally talk and I got the one ring then straight to voice mail. I tried two more times and the same thing happened. The night before she dismissed me pretty coldly. I thought she may have blocked me. She ended up calling me around the normal time. I was still nursing my bruised ego and didn’t feel like talking. Eventually I did talk to her.

Of course now that I am thinking about it, the reason she probably didn’t answer is because she was with her husband. When I think about the excuse she made about why she did not answer my call let’s me know for sure that is exactly what happened.

She told me and I kid you not, that she has a special deal with her phone company where her phone only becomes active at a certain time of the day. I guess that time is always once she gets to work. C’mon now. Really? I didn’t buy it for a second. But I also didn’t think she was married. I thought maybe she was feeling silly about overreacting and blocking me so she made up some lame ass excuse. I didn’t question it.

After everything blew up yesterday I called her out on what I had learned. I couldn’t hold it in. The anger was building. I had been lied to and I did not like it. I sent her a text letting her know that I knew about her being married and that she had been contacting people in the group.

She denied it. “I’m not married, I’m separated.” she said “I’m divorcing.” she said. Now were dealing with technicalities. We had it out. She called me and said she wouldn’t text anyone she would call. I don’t know what she meant by that. I hung up on her. Then in text she switched and said she did flirt with people.

alicewonderland

Then the strangest thing happened. I told her that I wasn’t planning on following through with the relationship because she had herpes. Her response:

“I have herpes no I don’t.” and then she said “I have 3 kids wtf?” Does having herpes cause infertility? I know it might be risky, I’m sure people people with herpes can have babies. And couldn’t she have contracted herpes after she had a baby? She is not good at lying.

I then took a screen shot of her admitting to me that she has herpes. Her response:

“That’s not me.” She kept denying it even though the proof was right there.

At that point I was done. I didn’t know what kind of game she was playing, but if she was being serious, I hope she seeks some help. This was some crazy shit.

Something else struck me as rather strange. She told me early on that she was once engaged to her female lover and that the lover had been tragically murdered. The Dutch woman I met on the dating app HER had a similar story. Her lesbian fiance was also murdered. Another woman who contacted me on HER told me the a story about her father being murdered. What in the hell? Is this some thing in the lesbian scamming community?

I’m starting to wonder. Was this all just a scam? If so for what? I don’t get what the scam would be. The Dutch woman wanted money. That was obvious. This one doesn’t make sense. She never asked me for anything. Not even hinted that she needed anything. I really believe it was all about sex. But why contact me? Someone hundreds of miles away from you? She is in Miami. there are tons of women in my group that are from Miami who are looking for fuck buddies. I really don’t know what her end game would be.

simpsons-game

 

 

 

.

 

 

…headed to the lamp post

And here’s where it starts to end.

narnia

My conversation with her has been progressing. She asked me the other night about my background. The damn that had been holding back things that should have been talked about during our first few exchanges burst. I kept it brief, but I said a lot. She seemed excited to know more about me.

This morning I sent her a video. Not what you’re thinking. Just saying hello. It was cute. She responded positively. She asked me more questions. I revealed¬†my crush on her. She asked me if she was the only one. I admitted that she was, however…

I let her know that I still ran a lesbian friends with benefits group on kik.

“I’m fine with it as long as you are honest.”

Then she asked me if she could join. Sigh. I want her in the group because I know it’s the right thing to do and I don’t have anything to hide, but I worry about other people possibly flirting with her. That would bother me.

Hello, insecurity.

 

i like her

We spoke again yesterday. The topics were comic books and superhero movies. She likes both Marvel and DC. She couldn’t see, but I had a dreamy smile on my face the entire time we were talking. It seems like such a small¬†thing to be so hyped over, but it made me so happy. She likes video games, comic books, and super heroes movies. So far, very good.

She sent me a nice quote the other night. It was a beautiful quote about how I make her feel. I responded in kind. I feel myself falling. Slower than usual and that is a good thing. I don’t want to rush this. I want us to take our time. To be sure. The distance helps with that.

I’m sure if she lived closer things would be different. I would have already met her and probably fallen in love thus ruining things. I tend to do that.

I don’t know what is going to happen after we meet and I don’t really want to think about it. All I know is that, in this moment, I like her.

future. future? future :)

“Good morning future.”

That was the text I received this morning from the woman I’ve been chatting up these past few weeks. She doesn’t say a lot in text, but when she does…man.

Butterflies were released in my tummy when I read that.

We had a phone call today. This was the first time we’ve spoken on the phone since we “met”. Her voice is lovely. I wanted to talk longer, but she was at work and had to get back to it. She texted me a little later in the day to talk, but I was already asleep.

I still don’t know what to think. I’m holding myself back from jumping ahead. I make that mistake so much. Although, i want to, but I’m scared. I do take comfort in the fact that she is looking forward. I’m not getting a bunch of wishy-washy, we’ll see what happens type responses from her.

We’re supposed to meet tomorrow. Doubt it’s going to happen. Not because I don’t want it to, but because I have to work. I’ll try for the day after. How could I not after she sent me this before she went to bed:

“Thinking of u.”

 

random thoughts: kik confusion

I started another kik group. I don’t know why I can’t stay away from that place. This group is for lesbian and bi women who are looking for fuck buddies. I posted in the casual section of craigslist because even though every personal section of craigslist seems to be filled with people looking for fuck buddies, this section is specifically designated for that purpose. I have 33 members. It started out poppin. People were excited. Flirting, posting naughty pics and gifs and talking about what they are looking for. Now it seems to have turned into everyone saying good morning and then prattling on about how boring their lives are. Myself included.

Wtf?

How did I let this happen again?

The other night someone brought up the current situation. It seems some of the women had been in a private chat with someone from the group and after pictures were exchanged the other person just stopped responding. Then they complained about how they could not meet any one.

“Maybe the attraction wasn’t there.” One of the members responded. Valid point, but why not just tell the person that?

That member who complained made a great point. I’ve already seen three times someone suggest a meeting and then the others make excuses about why they cannot attend. I really don’t know what the point of joining the group was.

They all found my ad through casual encounters on fucking craigslist. So why are we all being such prudes?

I don’t doubt the desires are real, but sometimes I think women like this just enjoy the thought of being with another woman, having other women flirt with them, but when it comes time to actually act on it, they retreat.

Most of the women in the group are bi and have male partners. I believe only three of them have actually been with another woman and I’m one of two actual lesbians in the group. So out of 33 women you have 5 women who have been with other women. I’m not understanding exactly what is going on.

On the upside it’s nice to know that I am not the only person who has problems meeting women. There are more than a few very attractive women in the group who have gotten ghosted on. I guess it’s not easy for any one.

 

 

the beginning

She finally responded. I asked when’s the best time to chat with her. She told me to hit her up on another app because she is not on KIK a lot. I gave her my number and later that night she messaged me. We’ve been exchanging messages ever since.

I’ve been trying to flirt and be forward, but not too forward because I don’t want to come off desperate and creepy. She responded positively to my little attempts at being a flirt. Now only if I can have a conversation that doesn’t seem like an interview.

the wait

I haven’t heard from her. It’s been more than a day since I sent the last message.

Waiting sucks.

waitinghomer

I’ve been wanting to have a conversation with her since she joined the group months ago. I want to trade witty banter with her. Flirt awkwardly.

In my mind I keep think about all of the clever things I want to say to her. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Build it up and then it ends up falling flat.

I tried to resist messaging, but I sent a good morning text a few moments ago.

I’m hopeless.

 

Fun With Kik: Random Nothing

kik

The longest lasting group I’ve created on the messenger app KIK is a group for Studs and Femmes. A group filled with masculine leaning lesbians and bi women who adore femme lesbian and bi women and vice versa. At its height I had 50 members. That was really my goal- to fill the room. Only four or five members ever engaged in conversation at a time, but it was fun to be a part of.

The group went through three waves. The first wave included some very extroverted members. One was a stud who basically came in and ran the room. I was even intimidated by her. She made ever person I added after her feel special which was a plus. She flirted, but she also like to play them against each other. She actually had women in the group pining for her attention and they would throw shade at each other if they weren’t getting it. It was wild.

There was one young chick (19) who fell hard for her. The stud played with her and would pull me and another member into a private group to make fun of her and a few of the other members. I didn’t like that because I knew they were doing the same thing to me. I didn’t like the direction the group was going. It became a very negative space and I noticed that members were afraid to talk or were trying to gain the studs favor. I all but abandoned it.

I’d planned on starting another group. I already had a starting line up. I went back and forth. This was MY group. Why was I leaving? I added the line up to the group. This did not make the stud and a few of her followers happy. They decided to make a scene and leave. She texted me laughing. I stayed calm and let her know that I was glad she and her partners left and I wished her the best of luck. She asked if we could stay friends.

“Nah, I’m good.” I told her.

Thanks was that.

The second wave was bit cooler. The earthy, laid back intellectual type. The conversations were better. Deep. Meaningful. And just the right amount of slang was used. However, it was not without controversy.

Without knowing I’d added a member that used to date one of the already existing members. They were in the group together for a few weeks before anyone found out. the already existing member had started dating another already existing member. We found out the day she posted a picture of them at the beach together. Every one congratulated them and became hopeful that they too would meet someone. What we didn’t know is that there was an ulterior motive behind the posting of that picture.

One day the member who posted the picture started posting poetry. As the days went on the poetry got darker. After we didn’t hear from her for a few days another member asked about her and that’s when it all came out. The newest member of the group posted some screenshots of their text conversation. It was weird and uncomfortable.

The tone was very dark. She was blaming the new chick and had mentioned suicide. It turns out that the new chick and poetry girl were a thing at some point. But poetry girl was too unstable and volatile and the new chick could not handle it. It came out that poetry girl had posted the pic of her and the other girl she met in the group to make the new chick jealous. It didn’t and that fact coupled with the girl she met in group breaking up with her pushed her over the edge.¬†We were all in shock. No one knew what to say after that. They all ended up leaving.

During that second wave I added a member who I myself was interested in. She’s very pretty. But I thought it would be weird to hit on her since I was running the group and I definitely did not want another weird situation like the two previous ones. Plus when I added her she immediately got hit on a lot. I couldn’t compete with those who had her in their sights. I retreated to my position as the shrinking violet.

As time went on the group slowly died. We had forty five members, but only two or three ever talked. Even though, she was still a member, the pretty girl never said anything. I assumed she met someone and forgotten she was in the group.

A week ago the pretty girl reappeared. I didn’t even think about trying.¬†I’d added a gorgeous married chick who immediately went after her. At this point I had posted a personal ad. One day I checked my KIK and I had a message from the pretty girl. I thought she was asking me a question about the group, but no. She’d read my ad. I played coy. We exchanged a few messages. She sent me a pic and I sent her one. No response. Two days later no response. Great my face scared her away. Sigh.

I deleted the messages and tried not to think about her. I felt it was strange that she did not respond to me. She was still in the group and from the conversations I saw of hers in the group, she didn’t seem like the type who would just ghost.

Last night I received a message from the pretty girl. She told me that her phone had been stolen. I believed her. I told her that the group was on death’s door, and I’d started another one and asked if she was interested in joining. I fought with myself about telling her. I’d finally had a chance to get to know her without prying eyes and here I am throwing her into the lions den.

“What if I am interested in you? What group is that?” she quipped.

I was not expecting that. I think I’m going to see where this goes.

 

 

 

Ghosts

I’ll get into the aftermath of my last post another time.

For now, what’s on my mind is the phone conversation that wrapped up a little over an hour ago. I will try to get out as many thoughts as I can before my sleeping pill kicks in. I believe I have written about her before. Eh, I’m too lazy to go look at old posts and I’m not in the mood to cringe.

Anyway, I met her when I was going through the whole casual sex thing. We never met up for sex. Only messaged, talked on the phone and had lunch once. She has 4 kids and had a boyfriend. Her life got busy and I got tired of waiting so I let things die a quiet death. I was bummed. If nothing else I liked listening to her. That accent. But she had a boyfriend, kids and a lot going on. I didn’t want to compete with any of that.

A couple of months later I received a text out of nowhere. “Who’s this?” I was crushed. She didn’t even remember who I was. I wrote back,

“No one. Please delete my number. I’m sure we’re never going to meet up again.”

Ah. That fragile ego talking.

“Ok.” she responded. I thought that would be the end of it. I felt bad that I lashed out like that. I would think of her fleetingly. I’d try to say something bad about her to make myself not like her, but I couldn’t. I’d just smile and say I was being petty. After Thanksgiving I received another text from her. I got upset. Not at her, but at that weird situation I will I was going through.¬†I told her to stop messaging me.

Then the next day I woke up and  checked my phone and she had called me. I messaged her asking her why she called me. She genuinely did not know who I was. I started teasing her at that point and after a while she remembered who I was and we had a brief, but cool conversation. That was a week ago.

Tonight when I got home from work I had another text from her. I texted her back and asked a question. Then she called. That accent.

We talked. I mean she talked. I mainly giggled like a schoolgirl and listened. She told me that things didn’t work out with her boyfriend and that he had moved out. Funny, I didn’t feel anything. I feel like my response should have been “Yes! Time to strike!” But nah. I’m not setting myself up like that. She also told me that he had become uncomfortable with us talking so much and she ended up hiding my number under someone else’s name. Something happened with her phone, blah, blah, blah and that’s why she didn’t recognize my number.

We talked about a few other things. Surprisingly, she¬†remembered quite a bit about me. I really thought she didn’t know who I was. Then she said she wanted me to come over to her place. It was 4:30am. I’m was not going anywhere. I would have loved to see her and if she lived right around the corner I would have, but she lives too far away for me to be going anywhere at 4:30 in the morning.

Instead of just saying no and explaining why, I danced around the topic. She straight up called me out and I liked every second of it. She said she just gave me an opportunity to see her and I turned it down. True. She said I need to be more flexible. True. I live a very strict life and the truth is I have to mentally prepare myself to meet anyone. Although, I know I made the right decision, I still wish I would have gone. It was her turn to do the teasing.

She invited me out for tonight. I’m sure it’s not going to happen. I doubt we will actually talk at all today. She’s kind of flighty and I think she only hits me up when she drinks. I’ve kinda pushed the thought of anything ever happening between us or us ever actually seeing each other again out of my head. I will allow the texts and phone calls. If I even dare to hope for anything more I know it will end in disappointment and I am just not in a place to handle that right now.