fat: here we go again

A couple of days ago I bought a really cool gray and blue raglan t-shirt with a NASA logo on the front. I got it in a men’s size medium which is what I normally get. I hesitated trying it on because I knew my tummy was going to be sticking out, but I tried it on any way.

Yikes!

Ugh.

Man.

ūüė¶

It wasn’t good. More horrible than I thought. I’ve never cared that much about my weight as far as being healthy or wanting people to be attracted to me. I do care about how clothes look on me. I want them to fit nicely. ¬†I’ve never been thin and don’t really care to be. I want to be at a weight where I feel comfortable. 180lbs is not it.¬†Seeing my stomach sticking out and the fat spilling out on my sides was startling.

Seeing that awfulness jolted me back into reality. I’ve gotten so friggin’ lazy. No drive. No motivation. I eat, take a sleeping pill and disappear into dreamland until it’s time for me to go to work.I have to get it together.

Where and how to start?

Well, I’ve done what I always do when I start feeling fat and a lack of motivation- make empty promises about losing weight and getting my life on track. I’m hoping this time I will find my groove and stick to it. I want to wear this shirt.

nasashirt

 

 

fun with kik: nail in the coffin

And just like that my kik chat room is no more. I said my farewell and removed everyone. This happened a couple of weeks ago and I feel much better about it.¬†I loved the ¬†middle part when we had found a groove, but we as humans can’t stand to leave things nice.

fun with kik: secrets and lies

It’s been a rough week in my kik group. Started with me and the woman I was kinda involved with bringing drama. Then the best friend of a member died back in their home country. The member was devastated about it. Then last night, one of the women revealed that she’d met her husband’s girlfriend whom¬†she’d only found out existed the night before. It¬†was total mess. That was all child’s play compared to the atomic bomb that was placed in my lap earlier this morning.

“Is she really that important?”

Was the question a new member asked last week when a senior member *Karen* chose to leave because I’d removed another member from the group because I thought it was a guy. She became upset with¬†me when I refused her request to re-add the member without proof that she was in fact a woman.

“She is fun, funny and keeps the group in stitches laughing so hard.

She will always be welcome here.”

That was my response to the new member. And it’s all true. Had it not been for this member, we’d still be stuck in an awkward loop of pleasantries. We wouldn’t know anything about each other. She is great at getting people to feel comfortable. ¬†That’s what makes what I found out tonight even more upsetting

“I have something to tell you.”

Read the text I received in the wee hours this morning in a private message from one of the members, *Alice*.

“Nothing bad, I hope”

Was my response.Knowing I was asking too much, I steeled myself.

“I wish it wasn’t”

*Alice* wrote back.

“I don’t even know how to tell you this.”

She continued.

jupiter

I put myself in break and waited for her messages. *Alice*¬†told me that she and *Karen* had been seeing each other. I knew about this. She didn’t know that I knew, but *Karen* told me in confidence about it a while ago. I wish it ended there, but it didn’t. She told me that she went to the ER earlier last week for some kind of break out. My heart sank. With the herpes thing from the liar I’d been dealing with still fresh in my mind, I immediately thought that was it. I heard the first flare up can be pretty bad. That wasn’t it.

She told me that what she’d had an allergic reaction to something, but while she was in the ER¬†they gave her a rapid HIV test. Thankfully, it came back negative. She also told me that *Karen” had told her last night that she is HIV positive and she’s known she’s been positive for six years.

Oh God, why couldn’t it have been herpes?

The bombs kept coming. *Alice* told me that *Karen* said that she hadn’t planned on telling her, but her best friend’s death last week prompted her to. Wow. ¬†I asked *Alice* if that was how the friend died. She confirmed that *Karen’s* friend had died of AIDS. Fuck.

I feel horrible. I am so scared and worried for *Alice*. I can only imagine the horror she is dealing with right now. Not being 100% sure. She said they used protection. I pray it was enough. I’m leaving what to do with “Karen* being in the group up to *Alice*.

saturn

I am furious with *Karen*, but at the same time my heart breaks for her. In the short time that I’ve known her, I have grown to care for her quite a bit. She did the impossible- made me comfortable enough to speak in a crowd and not fear what type of¬†response I would get. I will never forget that. I think of this tragic news and recall¬†a picture *Karen* once¬†posted of her two little kids and a flood of tears rush to my eyes. Having lost my dear aunt to it, I know what AIDS does to a person.

*Alice* told me that everyone in “Karen’s* home country new that she had HIV. That’s why she left. To come here for meds, treatment and a new start. I can’t imagine how lonely it must be and it’s somewhat comforting knowing that HIV isn’t the death sentence it used it be, but what *Karen* did is inexcusable. I am not ok with it at all. She knowingly, willingly put someone’s life at risk. I’m not sure what to do.

*Alice* and I have been chatting quite a bit about how to handle this. She’s as lost as I am. Understandably, she doesn’t want anything else to do with “Karen*, but feels sorry for her at the same time. ¬†We don’t want her exposing anyone else to what she has. The fact that she told *Alice* that she wasn’t planning on telling her anything horrifies me. Who knows who else she has been keeping this from? She flirts with everyone in the group.

Fuck.

pluto

curiouser and curiouser. further down the rabbit hole i went

“Isn’t she married?” Hazel asked me during our conversation yesterday about the woman I’d been talking to who had secretly messaged her.

“Divorced.” I texted back and we went on with our conversation, but that question kept bouncing around in my head. Nagging at me. Begging me to dig for more information.

The next morning I messaged Hazel and asked if the woman told her that she was married. Hazel responded “Yes, she told me she was married.”

And now we have arrived at the changeover.

changeover

Fuck.

It all started to make sense.

How did I miss it?

Why did I never question things?

With the confusion anger started to creep in. I wasn’t upset about her flirting with people in the group. I wasn’t upset about her private messaging people. I wasn’t even upset about her telling me she was too overwhelmed to continue things with me. I was upset because she had spent two months lying to me. Two months trying to make me believe that she wanted to be more. Even going so far as to tell me she wanted us, at some point, to move closer together. She called me love and her future. Why?

And now I have all of these moments popping up that should have been red flags that are now only visible in hindsight.

curiouser

A couple of weeks ago she told me that her roommate’s fiance was moving into their apartment. She said they had an agreement of no men and since he was moving in, she and her kids were going to move out. I found it a bit suspect. I wondered why the roommate and her fiance didn’t move into their own apartment instead of forcing a woman and her three kids out, but I didn’t ask.

A day later she tells me that her ex-husband said she and the kids could move in with him for the time being until she found a place because rent was super high. At the time I thought it was a nice gesture and told her that. Looking back now I can see that it was just a way to cover her ass if I questioned why she was living with her ex-husband. Not bad. I see no cracks.

Phone calls. We never talked on the phone outside of mornings. Late mornings. After she was at work. It didn’t seem out of the ordinary to me. Especially with my overnight work schedule. When I first let her into my chat group she showed out and I ended up removing her. I thought I would let things cool off a bit and then try and talk to her the next day.

I called her earlier than we would normally talk and I got the one ring then straight to voice mail. I tried two more times and the same thing happened. The night before she dismissed me pretty coldly. I thought she may have blocked me. She ended up calling me around the normal time. I was still nursing my bruised ego and didn’t feel like talking. Eventually I did talk to her.

Of course now that I am thinking about it, the reason she probably didn’t answer is because she was with her husband. When I think about the excuse she made about why she did not answer my call let’s me know for sure that is exactly what happened.

She told me and I kid you not, that she has a special deal with her phone company where her phone only becomes active at a certain time of the day. I guess that time is always once she gets to work. C’mon now. Really? I didn’t buy it for a second. But I also didn’t think she was married. I thought maybe she was feeling silly about overreacting and blocking me so she made up some lame ass excuse. I didn’t question it.

After everything blew up yesterday I called her out on what I had learned. I couldn’t hold it in. The anger was building. I had been lied to and I did not like it. I sent her a text letting her know that I knew about her being married and that she had been contacting people in the group.

She denied it. “I’m not married, I’m separated.” she said “I’m divorcing.” she said. Now were dealing with technicalities. We had it out. She called me and said she wouldn’t text anyone she would call. I don’t know what she meant by that. I hung up on her. Then in text she switched and said she did flirt with people.

alicewonderland

Then the strangest thing happened. I told her that I wasn’t planning on following through with the relationship because she had herpes. Her response:

“I have herpes no I don’t.” and then she said “I have 3 kids wtf?” Does having herpes cause infertility? I know it might be risky, I’m sure people people with herpes can have babies. And couldn’t she have contracted herpes after she had a baby? She is not good at lying.

I then took a screen shot of her admitting to me that she has herpes. Her response:

“That’s not me.” She kept denying it even though the proof was right there.

At that point I was done. I didn’t know what kind of game she was playing, but if she was being serious, I hope she seeks some help. This was some crazy shit.

Something else struck me as rather strange. She told me early on that she was once engaged to her female lover and that the lover had been tragically murdered. The Dutch woman I met on the dating app HER had a similar story. Her lesbian fiance was also murdered. Another woman who contacted me on HER told me the a story about her father being murdered. What in the hell? Is this some thing in the lesbian scamming community?

I’m starting to wonder. Was this all just a scam? If so for what? I don’t get what the scam would be. The Dutch woman wanted money. That was obvious. This one doesn’t make sense. She never asked me for anything. Not even hinted that she needed anything. I really believe it was all about sex. But why contact me? Someone hundreds of miles away from you? She is in Miami. there are tons of women in my group that are from Miami who are looking for fuck buddies. I really don’t know what her end game would be.

simpsons-game

 

 

 

.

 

 

door closes. window opens…so i can jump out of it

Backing away from the lamp post.

It seems my time in the wardrobe has been extended.

This afternoon I awakened to find a text from the woman I’d been trying to date seriously. I’ve written about her a few times. Three kids, lives with her ex-husband and has herpes. That one. She sent a three paragraph text telling me that she is overwhelmed by what’s happening in her life at the moment and she wants to try and get it resolved blah, blah, blah. Basically, I received my walking papers.

heartbroke

“I completely understand. I hope everything gets better for you.” was my response.

Then I turned over and went back to sleep. I have not written anything to her since. This is a huge departure for me. Me a year ago, even with three kids, living with an ex-husband and herpes, would have begged her to change her mind. It would not have mattered if I didn’t have any feelings for her outside of friendly one, I would have wanted to be with her out of sheer desperation.

Having anything instead of nothing.

Nah, I’m good.

Well, with that out of the way, I was going to pursue a possible friend with benefits sans the guilt. Yes, the one I wrote about yesterday. The one who sent me pics of her gorgeous pillowy breasts and a video of her playing with her pussy. I composed the perfect text. It was short and to the point. Asking her straight out if she would like to meet up in the near future. Send…

Two hours later…

rejected

She blamed it on the distance. I told her I didn’t mind the drive. She said it’s too far. I didn’t really buy it as an excuse, but didn’t want to press.”Aw. I had to try.” I said and that was that. That one stung a bit. Mainly because, I guess I thought because she sent me the pics and videos she was interested. Women are confusing.

I revealed my rejection to the group. Not to gain sympathy or put her on blast (I never mentioned her name), but because the group had been so encouraging about me not being so shy and asking someone out, I thought they would get a giggle out of it.

One of the members, Hazel, messaged me privately and asked who it was. I have no problem going into details privately. I told her what happened with the earlier text. I gave her a little hint who it was and she guessed it straight away.

Hear’s the drop.

secrets

“She messaged me the other day…” Hazel wrote. She told me all about the text exchange between her and the woman I had been talking to. She was asking Hazel about her life and told her not to tell anyone she had contacted her. Hazel said the conversation died because the girl I had been talking to wasn’t her type. Interesting.

I told her about the fuck buddy as well. Hazel said she had also received a message from her asking to meet up. She said she doesn’t just meet up with someone to fuck and left it at that.

I feel weird. Bad, but not completely horrible. After the text this morning, it was like my brain kept searching for a reason for me to feel bad. Even trying to create one. It’s not there. I Being rejected…twice, sucks, but it’s not the end of the world. I’m happy I had someone to share these things with. Going it alone I know, would have been much worse.

What a day. A not so good day. Could all this have been the universe dealing out karma because I lusted after another woman? On the other hand I was spared from possibly contracting herpes so I guess it’s good? Or maybe in the words of wise old sage, Homer Simpson, “It’s just a bunch of stuff that happened.”

bulapakettle

 

 

 

 

fuck buddy

My first fuck buddy was a man. At the time I wasn’t familiar with the term “fuck buddy” but when I look back on that relationship that is exactly what he was and I’m fine with that. I met him on Adult Friend Finder. I was seeing someone else at the time who liked the idea of me being fucked by other men and writing him stories about it. That’s how I was introduced to AFF.

His name was Bob…maybe.

Our first meeting was at a¬†Starbucks. The first time I had ever been to one. We chatted for a few moments then went to a cheap motel down the street. We fucked. We’d meet at that motel almost every weekend for three months. I liked Bob, but had no romantic feeling for him. I remember him telling me he loved me once. I couldn’t bring myself to say it back. I wasn’t even really turned on by him. Of course I came every time he went down on me, but I never approached like “man, I can’t wait to fuck him.” It was more like I was still trying to figure out why people like this so much.

I genuinely liked¬†spending time with him. It was an escape from my life. A few hours locked away with someone I could share all of my secrets with was much needed at that time in my life. We’d have sex. Shower. Have sex again. Talk. Have sex again. Shower. Leave and go back to our lives. It was a great set up.

But it ended when I found out that he was married. I was paralyzed by guilt and the realization that if he is cheating on his wife with me, he might be fucking other women besides me as well. I made an appointment to get tested for stds that very afternoon.

Clean.

My next fuck buddy was a woman. My first. I lived in Baltimore she in New Jersey. We’d see each other every other weekend if our schedules allowed it. I’d drive or take the train to her place. From the second I walked through the door of her condo we were sexing. We’d go out and do other things, but we had sex the most. I barely ever slept there. Her sex drive was off the charts and mine wasn’t far behind. Like with Bob we would fit as many orgasms into our time together as we could then we would go back to our lives.

Perfect set up.

When I look back on it these two have been the most sexually fulfilling relationships I have ever had in my adult life. Even more fulfilling than the relationship I had with a girlfriend I lived with for almost three years. They were light and airy. No stress (except finding about Bob’s wife). They were where I felt most comfortable and free.

This is the kind of relationship I want at the current time. I love being by myself. I love coming home and it just being me in my apartment. I love being able to go and do whatever I please, whenever I please and not have to clear it with anyone. But on the weekends sometimes I wish there was someone. Someone I could cuddle up with and have intimate conversations with and once they leave it’s back to my reality.

I want that escape.

I want the intense sex and exploration.

hooksup

The woman I am currently lusting after seems as though she would be perfect. She lives almost three hours away and she has a husband. Her husband knows she is into women and lets her ‘play”. Zero chance of me developing feelings beyond the lust. She seems like the aggressive type which I love, but not too aggressive. I don’t think any whips and chains are going to be brought out.

I really need to get on asking her out before I miss my chance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

inching closer to the lamp post

In my chat group the subject of stds was brought up. Surprisingly by me. It sprung up from a comment I’d made about becoming¬†emotionally attached to¬†a fuck buddy being my second biggest fear. Contracting an std is the biggest.

After that fear was revealed, the woman I’d been trying to date seriously sent me a private message, asking me if the person I was seeing was the marrying type would I still date them if they had an std.

Oh man. This wasn’t going to be good. I told her it was something I would have to think about and asked her straight out if she had an std.

“Yes. I have herpes.”

And there is the drop. Dammit.

narnia

Chlamydia, crabs, gonorrhea, I can deal with. Hepatitis, herpes, HIV, I do not fuck with. Sorry. I¬†handled it as delicately as I could while still trying to be honest. It must have been a difficult thing to tell me. To tell anyone. She said she got it from her ex. She gave me an out by saying she would understand if I just wanted to be friends. It really didn’t help matters that the day before she had flaked on our meetup and we’d gotten into a little argument about it.

I really don’t know what to do. Kids, living with ex-husband and now herpes. And I’m an asshole because I’m lusting after someone else. This whole thing is a mess.

 

but I want her

I am confused.

Always confused.

There is a woman in my FWB group that I kind of sort of have a crush on. She’s always talking about women she’s set to meet always flake on her. I look at her and I just don’t understand it. The woman is a bombshell. Absolutely gorgeous. Oh my god.

The other day something happened in the group where I had to remove someone. She private messaged me and asked the reason. I explained it to her. Then I tried to flirt a little. I told her I felt special because she messaged me. She sent me another message.

This was wow. It was a picture of her tits and she had her finger in her pussy. It was so fucking hot. I messaged her back and let her know that it turned me on. We played back and forth a bit. She sent me another message. This time it was a video. She was caressing her breast. I normally don’t care for big breasts, but hers are glorious. So pillowy looking. I would have been happy with that, but it went further.

The camera panned down to show her playing with her pussy. Rubbing her clit and sliding her finger inside. I was so turned on. There was a moment where the look of totally ecstasy came across her face.  I wanted to see her cum. I sent her a message letting her know that I would be pleasuring myself to her video. And I did. Twice.

She teased me a bit. The next day we spoke again and she sent another picture. She was in the shower on this one. Her body is amazing. A true curvy woman. She was squatting. I sent a lame line about how I wish she was doing that over my face.

“Yummy” was her response. I didn’t know what to say after that.

hookup

I think she might be open to a hook up. I should at least try right? But how do I ask?

 

 

…headed to the lamp post

And here’s where it starts to end.

narnia

My conversation with her has been progressing. She asked me the other night about my background. The damn that had been holding back things that should have been talked about during our first few exchanges burst. I kept it brief, but I said a lot. She seemed excited to know more about me.

This morning I sent her a video. Not what you’re thinking. Just saying hello. It was cute. She responded positively. She asked me more questions. I revealed¬†my crush on her. She asked me if she was the only one. I admitted that she was, however…

I let her know that I still ran a lesbian friends with benefits group on kik.

“I’m fine with it as long as you are honest.”

Then she asked me if she could join. Sigh. I want her in the group because I know it’s the right thing to do and I don’t have anything to hide, but I worry about other people possibly flirting with her. That would bother me.

Hello, insecurity.

 

i like her

We spoke again yesterday. The topics were comic books and superhero movies. She likes both Marvel and DC. She couldn’t see, but I had a dreamy smile on my face the entire time we were talking. It seems like such a small¬†thing to be so hyped over, but it made me so happy. She likes video games, comic books, and super heroes movies. So far, very good.

She sent me a nice quote the other night. It was a beautiful quote about how I make her feel. I responded in kind. I feel myself falling. Slower than usual and that is a good thing. I don’t want to rush this. I want us to take our time. To be sure. The distance helps with that.

I’m sure if she lived closer things would be different. I would have already met her and probably fallen in love thus ruining things. I tend to do that.

I don’t know what is going to happen after we meet and I don’t really want to think about it. All I know is that, in this moment, I like her.

future. future? future :)

“Good morning future.”

That was the text I received this morning from the woman I’ve been chatting up these past few weeks. She doesn’t say a lot in text, but when she does…man.

Butterflies were released in my tummy when I read that.

We had a phone call today. This was the first time we’ve spoken on the phone since we “met”. Her voice is lovely. I wanted to talk longer, but she was at work and had to get back to it. She texted me a little later in the day to talk, but I was already asleep.

I still don’t know what to think. I’m holding myself back from jumping ahead. I make that mistake so much. Although, i want to, but I’m scared. I do take comfort in the fact that she is looking forward. I’m not getting a bunch of wishy-washy, we’ll see what happens type responses from her.

We’re supposed to meet tomorrow. Doubt it’s going to happen. Not because I don’t want it to, but because I have to work. I’ll try for the day after. How could I not after she sent me this before she went to bed:

“Thinking of u.”

 

rambling about random stuff on the last saturday of 2016

Not only the last Saturday of 2016, but the last day of 2016. It’s been a dark one in the entertainment world for sure. Losing¬†so many people that I grew up watching or listening to has been unbelievable and very sad. For me, personally, the year has not been that bad.

Although, I’m still mourning the loss of my dear aunt last December and I no longer know how to sleep without taking drowsy pills, all in all, not one of my worse years.

I was hired on at a job that I like and working a schedule that I love. I saved up and purchased a motor scooter so I’ll have reliable transportation to and from work. My apartment is almost decorated the way I want it. I still have a lot to do, but for the most part, everything is ok.

simpsonsnewyear

I even started chatting up¬†a woman I am genuinely interested in and who is interested in me. It’s been a slow build and I am thankful for that. The moment she told me she had a PS4 I was totally smitten.

“I need to catch my breath.” I told her.

“Why?” she asked.

I couldn’t help but gush. “Smart, funny, gorgeous, actually a lesbian, femme, and plays video games? In my circle that is a super rare combination.”

We’ve entered the pet name stage. Baby, sweetheart, love. Sigh.

She sent me a¬†picture the other night of her all made up. Her lips are amazing. Lips are now the first thing I look at when I see¬†a woman. I’d never thought about them before until I kissed a woman who had very thin lips. I¬†did not enjoy that experience at all. And she was generally horrible at kissing so it was bad all around.

I’m not as anxious as I normally would be. I feel quite relaxed actually. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I know she is real. She exists. She not some weirdo posting fake pics on craigslist.

Something happened to her this past week where she had to make a pretty big decision. She told me about it, but because it took me so long to answer she though it scared me off. It did not. I was just unable to answer right away. I read it and answered. When I was able to finally to take in what she was telling me I realized that she had taken the time to consider how I would feel about it.

The way I saw it I didn’t think my feelings¬†about the situation mattered at all, but she thought they did and I really appreciated that. That put any lingering doubt I had about her taking this seriously out of my mind. She told me straight up that she was hoping to establish something with me. I told her that I was hoping for the same.

It’s been difficult, especially with it being the holidays, trying to plan a meet up, but last night we set this upcoming Thursday as a tentative date to meet. I have no idea what we are going to do. Early on I suggested dinner and a movie. Classic. But I think we may keep it at a lunch. We both have odd schedules and she has responsibilities that I do not. Kids.

I’m looking forward to finally meeting her. I would like to feel some excitement, but the truth is I don’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve been down this path so many times and have¬†become too cynical to get my hopes up that this will lead anywhere, but where it always leads- me getting ghosted on.

So I am going to just focus on and enjoy the time we spend together.