fun with kik: nail in the coffin

And just like that my kik chat room is no more. I said my farewell and removed everyone. This happened a couple of weeks ago and I feel much better about it. I loved the  middle part when we had found a groove, but we as humans can’t stand to leave things nice.

i like her

We spoke again yesterday. The topics were comic books and superhero movies. She likes both Marvel and DC. She couldn’t see, but I had a dreamy smile on my face the entire time we were talking. It seems like such a small thing to be so hyped over, but it made me so happy. She likes video games, comic books, and super heroes movies. So far, very good.

She sent me a nice quote the other night. It was a beautiful quote about how I make her feel. I responded in kind. I feel myself falling. Slower than usual and that is a good thing. I don’t want to rush this. I want us to take our time. To be sure. The distance helps with that.

I’m sure if she lived closer things would be different. I would have already met her and probably fallen in love thus ruining things. I tend to do that.

I don’t know what is going to happen after we meet and I don’t really want to think about it. All I know is that, in this moment, I like her.

future. future? future :)

“Good morning future.”

That was the text I received this morning from the woman I’ve been chatting up these past few weeks. She doesn’t say a lot in text, but when she does…man.

Butterflies were released in my tummy when I read that.

We had a phone call today. This was the first time we’ve spoken on the phone since we “met”. Her voice is lovely. I wanted to talk longer, but she was at work and had to get back to it. She texted me a little later in the day to talk, but I was already asleep.

I still don’t know what to think. I’m holding myself back from jumping ahead. I make that mistake so much. Although, i want to, but I’m scared. I do take comfort in the fact that she is looking forward. I’m not getting a bunch of wishy-washy, we’ll see what happens type responses from her.

We’re supposed to meet tomorrow. Doubt it’s going to happen. Not because I don’t want it to, but because I have to work. I’ll try for the day after. How could I not after she sent me this before she went to bed:

“Thinking of u.”

 

the beginning

She finally responded. I asked when’s the best time to chat with her. She told me to hit her up on another app because she is not on KIK a lot. I gave her my number and later that night she messaged me. We’ve been exchanging messages ever since.

I’ve been trying to flirt and be forward, but not too forward because I don’t want to come off desperate and creepy. She responded positively to my little attempts at being a flirt. Now only if I can have a conversation that doesn’t seem like an interview.

the wait

I haven’t heard from her. It’s been more than a day since I sent the last message.

Waiting sucks.

waitinghomer

I’ve been wanting to have a conversation with her since she joined the group months ago. I want to trade witty banter with her. Flirt awkwardly.

In my mind I keep think about all of the clever things I want to say to her. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Build it up and then it ends up falling flat.

I tried to resist messaging, but I sent a good morning text a few moments ago.

I’m hopeless.

 

Cynthia

She did it. Not once. But twice. I let her back in. I drank the kool-aid and I ended up getting burned twice. Sigh. Cynthia. Why do I even bother?

redflag

In my last post I mentioned a ghost that found her way back into my mind. She wanted to go to a strip bar last week. Of course when I messaged to confirm, she said I should have messaged earlier because she could not make it. Excuse.

She called me that night. We talked. She had been drinking. I should have known then, but I was swept away in fantasy by that damn accent of hers. She wanted to meet for lunch the next day. I wanted to sleep, but I gave in. I texted close to lunch time that morning. No response. I called. Ignored. I sent her a few texts letting her know that she hurt my feelings. No response.

This past Wednesday morning around 4am, I received a message from her. No apology. Just a picture of the restaurant she wanted to go to. I kept my answers short and to the point- “no”.

She’s an alcoholic.

It took minute, but I see that I’m person she calls on when she’s had one too many drinks and she needs let out her woes. She has no use for me when she’s sober.

I’ve learned that- she and her boyfriend, the cheating drug dealer, broke up. The deal she had to buy a new house fell through and now she is living month to month in an apartment she cannot afford on her own. To make ends meet she is going to marry some dude from Hungary for $35,000 so he can get a green card. She has a friend who transitioned from male to female who thinks she’s in love with her and an emotional mess most of the time. She also started going to AA and it’s not working because she goes to a bar right after.

It’s red flag central. I wish it were different because I really do like her, but I also like being somewhat free of any drama in my life and from our two phone calls I see that she is nothing but.

Ghosts

I’ll get into the aftermath of my last post another time.

For now, what’s on my mind is the phone conversation that wrapped up a little over an hour ago. I will try to get out as many thoughts as I can before my sleeping pill kicks in. I believe I have written about her before. Eh, I’m too lazy to go look at old posts and I’m not in the mood to cringe.

Anyway, I met her when I was going through the whole casual sex thing. We never met up for sex. Only messaged, talked on the phone and had lunch once. She has 4 kids and had a boyfriend. Her life got busy and I got tired of waiting so I let things die a quiet death. I was bummed. If nothing else I liked listening to her. That accent. But she had a boyfriend, kids and a lot going on. I didn’t want to compete with any of that.

A couple of months later I received a text out of nowhere. “Who’s this?” I was crushed. She didn’t even remember who I was. I wrote back,

“No one. Please delete my number. I’m sure we’re never going to meet up again.”

Ah. That fragile ego talking.

“Ok.” she responded. I thought that would be the end of it. I felt bad that I lashed out like that. I would think of her fleetingly. I’d try to say something bad about her to make myself not like her, but I couldn’t. I’d just smile and say I was being petty. After Thanksgiving I received another text from her. I got upset. Not at her, but at that weird situation I will I was going through. I told her to stop messaging me.

Then the next day I woke up and  checked my phone and she had called me. I messaged her asking her why she called me. She genuinely did not know who I was. I started teasing her at that point and after a while she remembered who I was and we had a brief, but cool conversation. That was a week ago.

Tonight when I got home from work I had another text from her. I texted her back and asked a question. Then she called. That accent.

We talked. I mean she talked. I mainly giggled like a schoolgirl and listened. She told me that things didn’t work out with her boyfriend and that he had moved out. Funny, I didn’t feel anything. I feel like my response should have been “Yes! Time to strike!” But nah. I’m not setting myself up like that. She also told me that he had become uncomfortable with us talking so much and she ended up hiding my number under someone else’s name. Something happened with her phone, blah, blah, blah and that’s why she didn’t recognize my number.

We talked about a few other things. Surprisingly, she remembered quite a bit about me. I really thought she didn’t know who I was. Then she said she wanted me to come over to her place. It was 4:30am. I’m was not going anywhere. I would have loved to see her and if she lived right around the corner I would have, but she lives too far away for me to be going anywhere at 4:30 in the morning.

Instead of just saying no and explaining why, I danced around the topic. She straight up called me out and I liked every second of it. She said she just gave me an opportunity to see her and I turned it down. True. She said I need to be more flexible. True. I live a very strict life and the truth is I have to mentally prepare myself to meet anyone. Although, I know I made the right decision, I still wish I would have gone. It was her turn to do the teasing.

She invited me out for tonight. I’m sure it’s not going to happen. I doubt we will actually talk at all today. She’s kind of flighty and I think she only hits me up when she drinks. I’ve kinda pushed the thought of anything ever happening between us or us ever actually seeing each other again out of my head. I will allow the texts and phone calls. If I even dare to hope for anything more I know it will end in disappointment and I am just not in a place to handle that right now.

 

Her

We met online through the lesbian dating app, Her, a little over a month ago. I didn’t expect it to lead to anything, yet here I am dreaming of building a life with her.

One moment we were trying to resolve a misunderstanding that stemmed from not knowing what we were to each other and the next moment we were making our relationship unquestionably official.

She is my girlfriend and I her’s.

That’s one of the many things I like so much about her- there aren’t any gray areas.

She wasn’t afraid to tell me that she was looking for a long term relationship and if I was looking for anything other than that I could bounce.

We have not met yet. We’re in sort of a long distance situation. An hour and thirteen minutes apart by car according to Google Maps.

“Not so far.” she said.

“Not bad at all.” I told her. “I love road trips.”

We have talked on the phone a handful of times. She’s Dutch and has an accent. That coupled with the sound of her voice makes me smile uncontrallably every time I hear it. 

I can’t wait to meet her. She runs her own business and I work an overnight schedule. Both of our jobs become busier around the holidays, so neither one of us knows for sure if the planets will align in the next month and allow us to meet.

I hope so, but I’m ok with waiting.

Aaaannnddd I’m Back

Have I really not posted anything since August? Yikes. Where did I leave off? I think I was trying to navigate the world of casual sex. Yea, that didn’t work out and I gave up. Am not cut out for it.

I was also wallowing in depression, junk food and laziness. It was a hazy couple of months. But I’m doing better.

I celebrated one year since I moved back home November 1st. I was converted from temp to full time employee at the job I’ve been temping at for a year. I am living in my dream apartment. 

I’ve started exercising and trying to eat healthier. And the most surprising thing is that I’m in a the early stages of budding romantic relationship.

I’m allowing myself to be cautiously optimistic . 

He Knows

Wednesday of last week I had lunch with another woman that I have been talking to. She also has a long term live in boyfriend and four kids. The difference between this woman and the last, is that her boyfriend is aware of the situation and he is fine with it. I prefer that. It means this can be more of a friendly type arrangement. We can go out and not worry about “getting caught”.

The first time we spoke it was after she’d had a few drinks. From the moment I answered the call she talked. The first thing she told me was that she had a colonoscopy earlier that day. She went into how the appointment went and how she was feeling at that moment. I was pretty sure after that we would not speak again. I don’t like talking about stuff like that. But as the conversation continued, she opened up about a lot of things. Problems with her boyfriend, her kids, her husband’s death, her job, only living in the country for three years. I figured that maybe it was the wine.

I know when you’re getting to know someone, some people consider it bad form to be that open upon first meeting. I, however, like it. Just like the woman before her, she shared with me a lot about her life. I love hearing about lives different than my own.

Thankfully, we both have the same day of the week off. She asked to meet for lunch. I agreed. She picked me up. When I saw her, before I even got in the car I said to myself, “Damn, she’s beautiful.” And I immediately took myself out of the game. I was going to have lunch and then go home and be miserable. We chose a chain place- bad expensive food, but the company was nice.

On the phone she has a very mellow way about her. And in person it’s no different. I can’t even imagine her being angry. We talked about random things. Life, her kids, the house she wants to buy. We didn’t discuss our whatever we were supposed to be doing. Becoming friends with benefits. That didn’t come up and honestly, I’m glad it didn’t. After lunch she wanted to hang out a little more. Good sign, eh? We went to look at a house she was interested in.

Afterwards she drove me home. I fucking hate the end of meetings. I never know what to do. I just awkwardly said good bye and got out of the car. We texted a little bit and that was that. I texted good morning a couple of days last week and got a “hey” as a response. I wanted to see her again, but fuck, if I could read the vibe after our meeting. I nutted up and asked her if she wanted to meet up again the next time our schedules allowed it. A few hours later and no response. I was a little bummed, but expected it.

I went on break and when I turned my phone on I had received a message from her.

“Yes. Call me.”

I called her and she was her usual mellow self and I was a little more chatty than usual. We couldn’t talk long because I was at work.

I’m really hoping that even if we don’t connect on a sexual level, we will connect on a friendly level. She seems really cool.

 

 

9 Days

It’s been 9 days since my first official casual hook up with a woman. I have not heard from her. I’m ok with that. I did text to say “hello” a few days in, but received no response. I don’t feel good about it, but I also don’t feel bad about it. Well, not my usual bad anyway.

I’ve given our meeting a lot of thought. I’ve gone over what I liked. What I didn’t like and what I would change going forward. Again, my biggest fear is getting emotionally attached or trying to form some sort of relationship outside of sex with these women. Trying to accept that sometimes it’s going to be a one time thing. We will have sex and I will never hear from the woman again. That’s fine. It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me. In this case, she has a long term boyfriend and four kids. That makes it easier. Less complicated. You know, unless the guy finds out.

The sex was ok. Not my best at all. When she told me she didn’t think she would cum, that kind of zapped the passion right out of me. I didn’t even want to try after that. I’ve been with a woman who did not have an orgasm with me, but she never told me she didn’t think it would happen. We still had fun.

This was a frantic meeting. It was her first time with a woman and she had all these fantasies and we didn’t have a lot of time so she wanted to do as much as she could. Things you see in porn are not always easy to pull off in real life. She also kept switching the feminine and masculine roles. I like playing masculine only, even if it’s submissive. I can’t be feminine. I was surprised at just how uncomfortable I was with it. It just felt weird.

The kissing was better than it was with the last woman I was with. The last one didn’t move her head at all. This one moved it too much. It was all over the place. I gave up a few times. Also she had facial stubble. Not a beard, but a patch of stubble. That caught me off guard. I’ve never felt that on a woman before. Not on the face anyway. That also knocked the passion down a notch.  I know I’m headed towards that some day. I’ll pluck as long as I can.

I did love how excited she was. She really made me feel wanted. We paid each other a lot of compliments, but I don’t think we are sexually compatible. At first I thought it was because of the orgasm comment, but it’s not. I think for her situation she needs a woman with a higher level of freaky in them. Someone who is really dominant and I’m just not. I’m not ashamed to admit it, I’m pretty vanilla. I’m a slow groove kind of person. I love to take my time. It could be a while before my clothes are completely off. Kissing is very important. My favorite part of the whole experience was when we sat on my sofa and talked before sex and after sex when she asked me to hold her.

vanillahaagendazs

I think I’m going to continue on this casual sex, friends with benefits journey. This was interesting. It was exciting. It was fun. The good outweighed the awkward and I dodged getting emotionally attached. Thank, Jeebus.

 

 

that was awkward

My adventures on craigslist and kik are going well. I’m getting one or two new people messaging me a day. One person messaged me yesterday and we had a rather awkward exchange.

It started with the typical getting to know you questions: where from, age, bf, gf, married, identify as, what are you looking for? She’s bi, married and looking for something casual. During our exchange I asked her if she had ever stepped out on her husband. She said kinda. I asked her to clarify. She said it was with a girl who lived with them at some point.

“That sounds like fun.” I responded thinking that she meant they would spend time fooling around while the husband was away. I watch too many movies.

Then she told me the woman was drunk and passed out and she put her to bed. “During sex?” I asked.

“No, she wasn’t into girls” she told me. I told her I misunderstood what she said. “I undressed her fully and put her to bed.” she continued. “So you’ve never been with a woman?” I asked. “I fingered her pussy.” she said. It hadn’t clicked with me yet what I was actually reading.

“Fingering her pussy sounds like sex.” I said. “Yes” she responded. At this point I’m like, but she just told me she had never had sex with a woman plus she said this woman was not into women. Fuck. It hit me.

“Did she know about it?” I asked.

“Never knew.” she said.

“That sounds like rape.” I told her.

Then she sent a sad face and told me she was not proud of it. What the fuck?

There are a few things going on in my mind about this. I wish I would have been more delicate about it instead of basically calling this woman a rapist. It was the first thing that popped into my head. I ended up apologizing.

The other thing I’m thinking is that this may be some guy living out his fantasy. I know it sounds far fetched, but it is craigslist and there are a lot of dudes who have fantasies like this and a lot of them are on craigslist. I get guys all the time posing as women who want to play out their fantasies as if they are the women taking advantage of other women.They always trip up and reveal themselves during the nine million questions I ask. I’m actually hoping that’s the case this time.