fun with kik: secrets and lies

It’s been a rough week in my kik group. Started with me and the woman I was kinda involved with bringing drama. Then the best friend of a member died back in their home country. The member was devastated about it. Then last night, one of the women revealed that she’d met her husband’s girlfriend whom she’d only found out existed the night before. It was total mess. That was all child’s play compared to the atomic bomb that was placed in my lap earlier this morning.

“Is she really that important?”

Was the question a new member asked last week when a senior member *Karen* chose to leave because I’d removed another member from the group because I thought it was a guy. She became upset with me when I refused her request to re-add the member without proof that she was in fact a woman.

“She is fun, funny and keeps the group in stitches laughing so hard.

She will always be welcome here.”

That was my response to the new member. And it’s all true. Had it not been for this member, we’d still be stuck in an awkward loop of pleasantries. We wouldn’t know anything about each other. She is great at getting people to feel comfortable.  That’s what makes what I found out tonight even more upsetting

“I have something to tell you.”

Read the text I received in the wee hours this morning in a private message from one of the members, *Alice*.

“Nothing bad, I hope”

Was my response.Knowing I was asking too much, I steeled myself.

“I wish it wasn’t”

*Alice* wrote back.

“I don’t even know how to tell you this.”

She continued.

jupiter

I put myself in break and waited for her messages. *Alice* told me that she and *Karen* had been seeing each other. I knew about this. She didn’t know that I knew, but *Karen* told me in confidence about it a while ago. I wish it ended there, but it didn’t. She told me that she went to the ER earlier last week for some kind of break out. My heart sank. With the herpes thing from the liar I’d been dealing with still fresh in my mind, I immediately thought that was it. I heard the first flare up can be pretty bad. That wasn’t it.

She told me that what she’d had an allergic reaction to something, but while she was in the ER they gave her a rapid HIV test. Thankfully, it came back negative. She also told me that *Karen” had told her last night that she is HIV positive and she’s known she’s been positive for six years.

Oh God, why couldn’t it have been herpes?

The bombs kept coming. *Alice* told me that *Karen* said that she hadn’t planned on telling her, but her best friend’s death last week prompted her to. Wow.  I asked *Alice* if that was how the friend died. She confirmed that *Karen’s* friend had died of AIDS. Fuck.

I feel horrible. I am so scared and worried for *Alice*. I can only imagine the horror she is dealing with right now. Not being 100% sure. She said they used protection. I pray it was enough. I’m leaving what to do with “Karen* being in the group up to *Alice*.

saturn

I am furious with *Karen*, but at the same time my heart breaks for her. In the short time that I’ve known her, I have grown to care for her quite a bit. She did the impossible- made me comfortable enough to speak in a crowd and not fear what type of response I would get. I will never forget that. I think of this tragic news and recall a picture *Karen* once posted of her two little kids and a flood of tears rush to my eyes. Having lost my dear aunt to it, I know what AIDS does to a person.

*Alice* told me that everyone in “Karen’s* home country new that she had HIV. That’s why she left. To come here for meds, treatment and a new start. I can’t imagine how lonely it must be and it’s somewhat comforting knowing that HIV isn’t the death sentence it used it be, but what *Karen* did is inexcusable. I am not ok with it at all. She knowingly, willingly put someone’s life at risk. I’m not sure what to do.

*Alice* and I have been chatting quite a bit about how to handle this. She’s as lost as I am. Understandably, she doesn’t want anything else to do with “Karen*, but feels sorry for her at the same time.  We don’t want her exposing anyone else to what she has. The fact that she told *Alice* that she wasn’t planning on telling her anything horrifies me. Who knows who else she has been keeping this from? She flirts with everyone in the group.

Fuck.

pluto

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but I want her

I am confused.

Always confused.

There is a woman in my FWB group that I kind of sort of have a crush on. She’s always talking about women she’s set to meet always flake on her. I look at her and I just don’t understand it. The woman is a bombshell. Absolutely gorgeous. Oh my god.

The other day something happened in the group where I had to remove someone. She private messaged me and asked the reason. I explained it to her. Then I tried to flirt a little. I told her I felt special because she messaged me. She sent me another message.

This was wow. It was a picture of her tits and she had her finger in her pussy. It was so fucking hot. I messaged her back and let her know that it turned me on. We played back and forth a bit. She sent me another message. This time it was a video. She was caressing her breast. I normally don’t care for big breasts, but hers are glorious. So pillowy looking. I would have been happy with that, but it went further.

The camera panned down to show her playing with her pussy. Rubbing her clit and sliding her finger inside. I was so turned on. There was a moment where the look of totally ecstasy came across her face.  I wanted to see her cum. I sent her a message letting her know that I would be pleasuring myself to her video. And I did. Twice.

She teased me a bit. The next day we spoke again and she sent another picture. She was in the shower on this one. Her body is amazing. A true curvy woman. She was squatting. I sent a lame line about how I wish she was doing that over my face.

“Yummy” was her response. I didn’t know what to say after that.

hookup

I think she might be open to a hook up. I should at least try right? But how do I ask?

 

 

Ghosts

I’ll get into the aftermath of my last post another time.

For now, what’s on my mind is the phone conversation that wrapped up a little over an hour ago. I will try to get out as many thoughts as I can before my sleeping pill kicks in. I believe I have written about her before. Eh, I’m too lazy to go look at old posts and I’m not in the mood to cringe.

Anyway, I met her when I was going through the whole casual sex thing. We never met up for sex. Only messaged, talked on the phone and had lunch once. She has 4 kids and had a boyfriend. Her life got busy and I got tired of waiting so I let things die a quiet death. I was bummed. If nothing else I liked listening to her. That accent. But she had a boyfriend, kids and a lot going on. I didn’t want to compete with any of that.

A couple of months later I received a text out of nowhere. “Who’s this?” I was crushed. She didn’t even remember who I was. I wrote back,

“No one. Please delete my number. I’m sure we’re never going to meet up again.”

Ah. That fragile ego talking.

“Ok.” she responded. I thought that would be the end of it. I felt bad that I lashed out like that. I would think of her fleetingly. I’d try to say something bad about her to make myself not like her, but I couldn’t. I’d just smile and say I was being petty. After Thanksgiving I received another text from her. I got upset. Not at her, but at that weird situation I will I was going through. I told her to stop messaging me.

Then the next day I woke up and  checked my phone and she had called me. I messaged her asking her why she called me. She genuinely did not know who I was. I started teasing her at that point and after a while she remembered who I was and we had a brief, but cool conversation. That was a week ago.

Tonight when I got home from work I had another text from her. I texted her back and asked a question. Then she called. That accent.

We talked. I mean she talked. I mainly giggled like a schoolgirl and listened. She told me that things didn’t work out with her boyfriend and that he had moved out. Funny, I didn’t feel anything. I feel like my response should have been “Yes! Time to strike!” But nah. I’m not setting myself up like that. She also told me that he had become uncomfortable with us talking so much and she ended up hiding my number under someone else’s name. Something happened with her phone, blah, blah, blah and that’s why she didn’t recognize my number.

We talked about a few other things. Surprisingly, she remembered quite a bit about me. I really thought she didn’t know who I was. Then she said she wanted me to come over to her place. It was 4:30am. I’m was not going anywhere. I would have loved to see her and if she lived right around the corner I would have, but she lives too far away for me to be going anywhere at 4:30 in the morning.

Instead of just saying no and explaining why, I danced around the topic. She straight up called me out and I liked every second of it. She said she just gave me an opportunity to see her and I turned it down. True. She said I need to be more flexible. True. I live a very strict life and the truth is I have to mentally prepare myself to meet anyone. Although, I know I made the right decision, I still wish I would have gone. It was her turn to do the teasing.

She invited me out for tonight. I’m sure it’s not going to happen. I doubt we will actually talk at all today. She’s kind of flighty and I think she only hits me up when she drinks. I’ve kinda pushed the thought of anything ever happening between us or us ever actually seeing each other again out of my head. I will allow the texts and phone calls. If I even dare to hope for anything more I know it will end in disappointment and I am just not in a place to handle that right now.

 

Her

We met online through the lesbian dating app, Her, a little over a month ago. I didn’t expect it to lead to anything, yet here I am dreaming of building a life with her.

One moment we were trying to resolve a misunderstanding that stemmed from not knowing what we were to each other and the next moment we were making our relationship unquestionably official.

She is my girlfriend and I her’s.

That’s one of the many things I like so much about her- there aren’t any gray areas.

She wasn’t afraid to tell me that she was looking for a long term relationship and if I was looking for anything other than that I could bounce.

We have not met yet. We’re in sort of a long distance situation. An hour and thirteen minutes apart by car according to Google Maps.

“Not so far.” she said.

“Not bad at all.” I told her. “I love road trips.”

We have talked on the phone a handful of times. She’s Dutch and has an accent. That coupled with the sound of her voice makes me smile uncontrallably every time I hear it. 

I can’t wait to meet her. She runs her own business and I work an overnight schedule. Both of our jobs become busier around the holidays, so neither one of us knows for sure if the planets will align in the next month and allow us to meet.

I hope so, but I’m ok with waiting.

Aaaannnddd I’m Back

Have I really not posted anything since August? Yikes. Where did I leave off? I think I was trying to navigate the world of casual sex. Yea, that didn’t work out and I gave up. Am not cut out for it.

I was also wallowing in depression, junk food and laziness. It was a hazy couple of months. But I’m doing better.

I celebrated one year since I moved back home November 1st. I was converted from temp to full time employee at the job I’ve been temping at for a year. I am living in my dream apartment. 

I’ve started exercising and trying to eat healthier. And the most surprising thing is that I’m in a the early stages of budding romantic relationship.

I’m allowing myself to be cautiously optimistic . 

He Knows

Wednesday of last week I had lunch with another woman that I have been talking to. She also has a long term live in boyfriend and four kids. The difference between this woman and the last, is that her boyfriend is aware of the situation and he is fine with it. I prefer that. It means this can be more of a friendly type arrangement. We can go out and not worry about “getting caught”.

The first time we spoke it was after she’d had a few drinks. From the moment I answered the call she talked. The first thing she told me was that she had a colonoscopy earlier that day. She went into how the appointment went and how she was feeling at that moment. I was pretty sure after that we would not speak again. I don’t like talking about stuff like that. But as the conversation continued, she opened up about a lot of things. Problems with her boyfriend, her kids, her husband’s death, her job, only living in the country for three years. I figured that maybe it was the wine.

I know when you’re getting to know someone, some people consider it bad form to be that open upon first meeting. I, however, like it. Just like the woman before her, she shared with me a lot about her life. I love hearing about lives different than my own.

Thankfully, we both have the same day of the week off. She asked to meet for lunch. I agreed. She picked me up. When I saw her, before I even got in the car I said to myself, “Damn, she’s beautiful.” And I immediately took myself out of the game. I was going to have lunch and then go home and be miserable. We chose a chain place- bad expensive food, but the company was nice.

On the phone she has a very mellow way about her. And in person it’s no different. I can’t even imagine her being angry. We talked about random things. Life, her kids, the house she wants to buy. We didn’t discuss our whatever we were supposed to be doing. Becoming friends with benefits. That didn’t come up and honestly, I’m glad it didn’t. After lunch she wanted to hang out a little more. Good sign, eh? We went to look at a house she was interested in.

Afterwards she drove me home. I fucking hate the end of meetings. I never know what to do. I just awkwardly said good bye and got out of the car. We texted a little bit and that was that. I texted good morning a couple of days last week and got a “hey” as a response. I wanted to see her again, but fuck, if I could read the vibe after our meeting. I nutted up and asked her if she wanted to meet up again the next time our schedules allowed it. A few hours later and no response. I was a little bummed, but expected it.

I went on break and when I turned my phone on I had received a message from her.

“Yes. Call me.”

I called her and she was her usual mellow self and I was a little more chatty than usual. We couldn’t talk long because I was at work.

I’m really hoping that even if we don’t connect on a sexual level, we will connect on a friendly level. She seems really cool.

 

 

9 Days

It’s been 9 days since my first official casual hook up with a woman. I have not heard from her. I’m ok with that. I did text to say “hello” a few days in, but received no response. I don’t feel good about it, but I also don’t feel bad about it. Well, not my usual bad anyway.

I’ve given our meeting a lot of thought. I’ve gone over what I liked. What I didn’t like and what I would change going forward. Again, my biggest fear is getting emotionally attached or trying to form some sort of relationship outside of sex with these women. Trying to accept that sometimes it’s going to be a one time thing. We will have sex and I will never hear from the woman again. That’s fine. It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me. In this case, she has a long term boyfriend and four kids. That makes it easier. Less complicated. You know, unless the guy finds out.

The sex was ok. Not my best at all. When she told me she didn’t think she would cum, that kind of zapped the passion right out of me. I didn’t even want to try after that. I’ve been with a woman who did not have an orgasm with me, but she never told me she didn’t think it would happen. We still had fun.

This was a frantic meeting. It was her first time with a woman and she had all these fantasies and we didn’t have a lot of time so she wanted to do as much as she could. Things you see in porn are not always easy to pull off in real life. She also kept switching the feminine and masculine roles. I like playing masculine only, even if it’s submissive. I can’t be feminine. I was surprised at just how uncomfortable I was with it. It just felt weird.

The kissing was better than it was with the last woman I was with. The last one didn’t move her head at all. This one moved it too much. It was all over the place. I gave up a few times. Also she had facial stubble. Not a beard, but a patch of stubble. That caught me off guard. I’ve never felt that on a woman before. Not on the face anyway. That also knocked the passion down a notch.  I know I’m headed towards that some day. I’ll pluck as long as I can.

I did love how excited she was. She really made me feel wanted. We paid each other a lot of compliments, but I don’t think we are sexually compatible. At first I thought it was because of the orgasm comment, but it’s not. I think for her situation she needs a woman with a higher level of freaky in them. Someone who is really dominant and I’m just not. I’m not ashamed to admit it, I’m pretty vanilla. I’m a slow groove kind of person. I love to take my time. It could be a while before my clothes are completely off. Kissing is very important. My favorite part of the whole experience was when we sat on my sofa and talked before sex and after sex when she asked me to hold her.

vanillahaagendazs

I think I’m going to continue on this casual sex, friends with benefits journey. This was interesting. It was exciting. It was fun. The good outweighed the awkward and I dodged getting emotionally attached. Thank, Jeebus.

 

 

that was awkward

My adventures on craigslist and kik are going well. I’m getting one or two new people messaging me a day. One person messaged me yesterday and we had a rather awkward exchange.

It started with the typical getting to know you questions: where from, age, bf, gf, married, identify as, what are you looking for? She’s bi, married and looking for something casual. During our exchange I asked her if she had ever stepped out on her husband. She said kinda. I asked her to clarify. She said it was with a girl who lived with them at some point.

“That sounds like fun.” I responded thinking that she meant they would spend time fooling around while the husband was away. I watch too many movies.

Then she told me the woman was drunk and passed out and she put her to bed. “During sex?” I asked.

“No, she wasn’t into girls” she told me. I told her I misunderstood what she said. “I undressed her fully and put her to bed.” she continued. “So you’ve never been with a woman?” I asked. “I fingered her pussy.” she said. It hadn’t clicked with me yet what I was actually reading.

“Fingering her pussy sounds like sex.” I said. “Yes” she responded. At this point I’m like, but she just told me she had never had sex with a woman plus she said this woman was not into women. Fuck. It hit me.

“Did she know about it?” I asked.

“Never knew.” she said.

“That sounds like rape.” I told her.

Then she sent a sad face and told me she was not proud of it. What the fuck?

There are a few things going on in my mind about this. I wish I would have been more delicate about it instead of basically calling this woman a rapist. It was the first thing that popped into my head. I ended up apologizing.

The other thing I’m thinking is that this may be some guy living out his fantasy. I know it sounds far fetched, but it is craigslist and there are a lot of dudes who have fantasies like this and a lot of them are on craigslist. I get guys all the time posing as women who want to play out their fantasies as if they are the women taking advantage of other women.They always trip up and reveal themselves during the nine million questions I ask. I’m actually hoping that’s the case this time.

 

 

 

keep it chill

Catching feelings for a hook up is what scares me most about this new casual sex path that I have chosen. I seem to be having  hard time treating this possible meeting on Friday as sex only. I know we’re only meeting to have sex. That’s what I want, but I keep looking past that meeting at what might be. There is no might be. I’m almost 100% sure this is going to be a one off and I want to be fine with that.

what a difference a few days make

I’ve written a few times about how I get turned off when women, well, anybody really,sends me naked or very suggestive pictures of themselves. I don’t feel there is anything wrong with naked or suggestive pictures, I like them, I do (only from women), but I just don’t want to receive them before I even know what the names are. I received two more last night. Nothing. They did nothing for me.

There was a point after it happened before last night when I started to think that maybe there is something wrong with me. Why didn’t things like this turn me on? I should be attracted to the female body, right? I am a lesbian after all.

I thought about my exes who sent me naked pics. My last ex would send me, well, not naked pics, but pretty suggestive ones and they both really turned me on. The difference was I had gotten to know them before they sent them. Even if we had not met yet, which was the case with the last ex, pics of her cleavage or legs would really get to me. It was hot!

I have been chatting with a woman for four day now. We’re trying to set up a casual sex situation. We both are up to it. Our conversations have been nice. I really have no idea what to do. I’m not a forward person, but this is all about sex so I’m trying to keep it to that. Yesterday I asked her about her “grooming” habits. She told me she would send me a pic to show me. That turned me on. I was excited. I was practically salivating at work thinking about seeing a picture of her pussy.

I was not disappointed.

Good grief. It was beautiful and her tits… Jesus. We’re supposed to meet on Friday. I hope it goes well.

how do you casual sex?

I received another message from someone who is looking for something “casual”. I want something casual, but I don’t know how to do it. I have been in a casual, friends with benefits situation before, but it was with a man and he took care of everything. All I had to do was show up. Strangely enough, it’s the healthiest sexual relationship I have ever been in. Unfortunately, once I found out he was married, I ended things.

I remember we kept things very cool. We’d meet once a week at a cheap motel, fuck, talk a little and that was that. It was great. I guess that’s all I have to do now. But I have to invite them over to my place because they both have boyfriends and I’m too cheap to pay for a motel room. I don’t mind them coming over. My place is nice. It’s just with them coming over to my place, it’s going to be up to me to make the first move and I suck so bad at that.

I guess I can take a little comfort in knowing that the only reason we are meeting is to have sex. There is no “want to come over and watch a movie” and then hoping we have sex. Both of these women have stated they want to fuck.

Ugh, I’m putting way too much thought into this.

terrible decisions

I received a response to my latest craigslist ad. It’s from a 30 year old Latina. She’s actually attractive to me. Our text exchanges were lightning fast. We hashed out what we were both looking for. I told her I’m pretty open at the moment. She told me she has a boyfriend whom she did not want knowing about her attraction to women.She’s looking for someone to help explore that side with.

She says she has been trying for a few years to meet a woman to have sex with, but most don’t believe she is actually a woman. I’m not sure that I do either which is why we will be meeting at a very public place. I usually don’t mess with women who are just looking to explore, but since I’m still on the fence on whether or not I want to pursue the relationship avenue, it will be nice to just play around and not worry about feelings and commitment and all that crap.

I am a little concerned because she has a boyfriend. I’ve been with a married person before, but I had no idea about the wife until after we’d already fucked. I felt terrible. I’ve never knowingly hooked up with an attached person. Honestly, I still want to have sex with her, I just don’t want to get my ass kicked by a jealous partner.