rambling about random stuff on the last saturday of 2016

Not only the last Saturday of 2016, but the last day of 2016. It’s been a dark one in the entertainment world for sure. Losing so many people that I grew up watching or listening to has been unbelievable and very sad. For me, personally, the year has not been that bad.

Although, I’m still mourning the loss of my dear aunt last December and I no longer know how to sleep without taking drowsy pills, all in all, not one of my worse years.

I was hired on at a job that I like and working a schedule that I love. I saved up and purchased a motor scooter so I’ll have reliable transportation to and from work. My apartment is almost decorated the way I want it. I still have a lot to do, but for the most part, everything is ok.

simpsonsnewyear

I even started chatting up a woman I am genuinely interested in and who is interested in me. It’s been a slow build and I am thankful for that. The moment she told me she had a PS4 I was totally smitten.

“I need to catch my breath.” I told her.

“Why?” she asked.

I couldn’t help but gush. “Smart, funny, gorgeous, actually a lesbian, femme, and plays video games? In my circle that is a super rare combination.”

We’ve entered the pet name stage. Baby, sweetheart, love. Sigh.

She sent me a picture the other night of her all made up. Her lips are amazing. Lips are now the first thing I look at when I see a woman. I’d never thought about them before until I kissed a woman who had very thin lips. I did not enjoy that experience at all. And she was generally horrible at kissing so it was bad all around.

I’m not as anxious as I normally would be. I feel quite relaxed actually. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I know she is real. She exists. She not some weirdo posting fake pics on craigslist.

Something happened to her this past week where she had to make a pretty big decision. She told me about it, but because it took me so long to answer she though it scared me off. It did not. I was just unable to answer right away. I read it and answered. When I was able to finally to take in what she was telling me I realized that she had taken the time to consider how I would feel about it.

The way I saw it I didn’t think my feelings about the situation mattered at all, but she thought they did and I really appreciated that. That put any lingering doubt I had about her taking this seriously out of my mind. She told me straight up that she was hoping to establish something with me. I told her that I was hoping for the same.

It’s been difficult, especially with it being the holidays, trying to plan a meet up, but last night we set this upcoming Thursday as a tentative date to meet. I have no idea what we are going to do. Early on I suggested dinner and a movie. Classic. But I think we may keep it at a lunch. We both have odd schedules and she has responsibilities that I do not. Kids.

I’m looking forward to finally meeting her. I would like to feel some excitement, but the truth is I don’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve been down this path so many times and have become too cynical to get my hopes up that this will lead anywhere, but where it always leads- me getting ghosted on.

So I am going to just focus on and enjoy the time we spend together.

 

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random thoughts: kik confusion

I started another kik group. I don’t know why I can’t stay away from that place. This group is for lesbian and bi women who are looking for fuck buddies. I posted in the casual section of craigslist because even though every personal section of craigslist seems to be filled with people looking for fuck buddies, this section is specifically designated for that purpose. I have 33 members. It started out poppin. People were excited. Flirting, posting naughty pics and gifs and talking about what they are looking for. Now it seems to have turned into everyone saying good morning and then prattling on about how boring their lives are. Myself included.

Wtf?

How did I let this happen again?

The other night someone brought up the current situation. It seems some of the women had been in a private chat with someone from the group and after pictures were exchanged the other person just stopped responding. Then they complained about how they could not meet any one.

“Maybe the attraction wasn’t there.” One of the members responded. Valid point, but why not just tell the person that?

That member who complained made a great point. I’ve already seen three times someone suggest a meeting and then the others make excuses about why they cannot attend. I really don’t know what the point of joining the group was.

They all found my ad through casual encounters on fucking craigslist. So why are we all being such prudes?

I don’t doubt the desires are real, but sometimes I think women like this just enjoy the thought of being with another woman, having other women flirt with them, but when it comes time to actually act on it, they retreat.

Most of the women in the group are bi and have male partners. I believe only three of them have actually been with another woman and I’m one of two actual lesbians in the group. So out of 33 women you have 5 women who have been with other women. I’m not understanding exactly what is going on.

On the upside it’s nice to know that I am not the only person who has problems meeting women. There are more than a few very attractive women in the group who have gotten ghosted on. I guess it’s not easy for any one.

 

 

the beginning

She finally responded. I asked when’s the best time to chat with her. She told me to hit her up on another app because she is not on KIK a lot. I gave her my number and later that night she messaged me. We’ve been exchanging messages ever since.

I’ve been trying to flirt and be forward, but not too forward because I don’t want to come off desperate and creepy. She responded positively to my little attempts at being a flirt. Now only if I can have a conversation that doesn’t seem like an interview.

the wait

I haven’t heard from her. It’s been more than a day since I sent the last message.

Waiting sucks.

waitinghomer

I’ve been wanting to have a conversation with her since she joined the group months ago. I want to trade witty banter with her. Flirt awkwardly.

In my mind I keep think about all of the clever things I want to say to her. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Build it up and then it ends up falling flat.

I tried to resist messaging, but I sent a good morning text a few moments ago.

I’m hopeless.

 

Fun With Kik: Random Nothing

kik

The longest lasting group I’ve created on the messenger app KIK is a group for Studs and Femmes. A group filled with masculine leaning lesbians and bi women who adore femme lesbian and bi women and vice versa. At its height I had 50 members. That was really my goal- to fill the room. Only four or five members ever engaged in conversation at a time, but it was fun to be a part of.

The group went through three waves. The first wave included some very extroverted members. One was a stud who basically came in and ran the room. I was even intimidated by her. She made ever person I added after her feel special which was a plus. She flirted, but she also like to play them against each other. She actually had women in the group pining for her attention and they would throw shade at each other if they weren’t getting it. It was wild.

There was one young chick (19) who fell hard for her. The stud played with her and would pull me and another member into a private group to make fun of her and a few of the other members. I didn’t like that because I knew they were doing the same thing to me. I didn’t like the direction the group was going. It became a very negative space and I noticed that members were afraid to talk or were trying to gain the studs favor. I all but abandoned it.

I’d planned on starting another group. I already had a starting line up. I went back and forth. This was MY group. Why was I leaving? I added the line up to the group. This did not make the stud and a few of her followers happy. They decided to make a scene and leave. She texted me laughing. I stayed calm and let her know that I was glad she and her partners left and I wished her the best of luck. She asked if we could stay friends.

“Nah, I’m good.” I told her.

Thanks was that.

The second wave was bit cooler. The earthy, laid back intellectual type. The conversations were better. Deep. Meaningful. And just the right amount of slang was used. However, it was not without controversy.

Without knowing I’d added a member that used to date one of the already existing members. They were in the group together for a few weeks before anyone found out. the already existing member had started dating another already existing member. We found out the day she posted a picture of them at the beach together. Every one congratulated them and became hopeful that they too would meet someone. What we didn’t know is that there was an ulterior motive behind the posting of that picture.

One day the member who posted the picture started posting poetry. As the days went on the poetry got darker. After we didn’t hear from her for a few days another member asked about her and that’s when it all came out. The newest member of the group posted some screenshots of their text conversation. It was weird and uncomfortable.

The tone was very dark. She was blaming the new chick and had mentioned suicide. It turns out that the new chick and poetry girl were a thing at some point. But poetry girl was too unstable and volatile and the new chick could not handle it. It came out that poetry girl had posted the pic of her and the other girl she met in the group to make the new chick jealous. It didn’t and that fact coupled with the girl she met in group breaking up with her pushed her over the edge. We were all in shock. No one knew what to say after that. They all ended up leaving.

During that second wave I added a member who I myself was interested in. She’s very pretty. But I thought it would be weird to hit on her since I was running the group and I definitely did not want another weird situation like the two previous ones. Plus when I added her she immediately got hit on a lot. I couldn’t compete with those who had her in their sights. I retreated to my position as the shrinking violet.

As time went on the group slowly died. We had forty five members, but only two or three ever talked. Even though, she was still a member, the pretty girl never said anything. I assumed she met someone and forgotten she was in the group.

A week ago the pretty girl reappeared. I didn’t even think about trying. I’d added a gorgeous married chick who immediately went after her. At this point I had posted a personal ad. One day I checked my KIK and I had a message from the pretty girl. I thought she was asking me a question about the group, but no. She’d read my ad. I played coy. We exchanged a few messages. She sent me a pic and I sent her one. No response. Two days later no response. Great my face scared her away. Sigh.

I deleted the messages and tried not to think about her. I felt it was strange that she did not respond to me. She was still in the group and from the conversations I saw of hers in the group, she didn’t seem like the type who would just ghost.

Last night I received a message from the pretty girl. She told me that her phone had been stolen. I believed her. I told her that the group was on death’s door, and I’d started another one and asked if she was interested in joining. I fought with myself about telling her. I’d finally had a chance to get to know her without prying eyes and here I am throwing her into the lions den.

“What if I am interested in you? What group is that?” she quipped.

I was not expecting that. I think I’m going to see where this goes.

 

 

 

Cynthia

She did it. Not once. But twice. I let her back in. I drank the kool-aid and I ended up getting burned twice. Sigh. Cynthia. Why do I even bother?

redflag

In my last post I mentioned a ghost that found her way back into my mind. She wanted to go to a strip bar last week. Of course when I messaged to confirm, she said I should have messaged earlier because she could not make it. Excuse.

She called me that night. We talked. She had been drinking. I should have known then, but I was swept away in fantasy by that damn accent of hers. She wanted to meet for lunch the next day. I wanted to sleep, but I gave in. I texted close to lunch time that morning. No response. I called. Ignored. I sent her a few texts letting her know that she hurt my feelings. No response.

This past Wednesday morning around 4am, I received a message from her. No apology. Just a picture of the restaurant she wanted to go to. I kept my answers short and to the point- “no”.

She’s an alcoholic.

It took minute, but I see that I’m person she calls on when she’s had one too many drinks and she needs let out her woes. She has no use for me when she’s sober.

I’ve learned that- she and her boyfriend, the cheating drug dealer, broke up. The deal she had to buy a new house fell through and now she is living month to month in an apartment she cannot afford on her own. To make ends meet she is going to marry some dude from Hungary for $35,000 so he can get a green card. She has a friend who transitioned from male to female who thinks she’s in love with her and an emotional mess most of the time. She also started going to AA and it’s not working because she goes to a bar right after.

It’s red flag central. I wish it were different because I really do like her, but I also like being somewhat free of any drama in my life and from our two phone calls I see that she is nothing but.

Ghosts

I’ll get into the aftermath of my last post another time.

For now, what’s on my mind is the phone conversation that wrapped up a little over an hour ago. I will try to get out as many thoughts as I can before my sleeping pill kicks in. I believe I have written about her before. Eh, I’m too lazy to go look at old posts and I’m not in the mood to cringe.

Anyway, I met her when I was going through the whole casual sex thing. We never met up for sex. Only messaged, talked on the phone and had lunch once. She has 4 kids and had a boyfriend. Her life got busy and I got tired of waiting so I let things die a quiet death. I was bummed. If nothing else I liked listening to her. That accent. But she had a boyfriend, kids and a lot going on. I didn’t want to compete with any of that.

A couple of months later I received a text out of nowhere. “Who’s this?” I was crushed. She didn’t even remember who I was. I wrote back,

“No one. Please delete my number. I’m sure we’re never going to meet up again.”

Ah. That fragile ego talking.

“Ok.” she responded. I thought that would be the end of it. I felt bad that I lashed out like that. I would think of her fleetingly. I’d try to say something bad about her to make myself not like her, but I couldn’t. I’d just smile and say I was being petty. After Thanksgiving I received another text from her. I got upset. Not at her, but at that weird situation I will I was going through. I told her to stop messaging me.

Then the next day I woke up and  checked my phone and she had called me. I messaged her asking her why she called me. She genuinely did not know who I was. I started teasing her at that point and after a while she remembered who I was and we had a brief, but cool conversation. That was a week ago.

Tonight when I got home from work I had another text from her. I texted her back and asked a question. Then she called. That accent.

We talked. I mean she talked. I mainly giggled like a schoolgirl and listened. She told me that things didn’t work out with her boyfriend and that he had moved out. Funny, I didn’t feel anything. I feel like my response should have been “Yes! Time to strike!” But nah. I’m not setting myself up like that. She also told me that he had become uncomfortable with us talking so much and she ended up hiding my number under someone else’s name. Something happened with her phone, blah, blah, blah and that’s why she didn’t recognize my number.

We talked about a few other things. Surprisingly, she remembered quite a bit about me. I really thought she didn’t know who I was. Then she said she wanted me to come over to her place. It was 4:30am. I’m was not going anywhere. I would have loved to see her and if she lived right around the corner I would have, but she lives too far away for me to be going anywhere at 4:30 in the morning.

Instead of just saying no and explaining why, I danced around the topic. She straight up called me out and I liked every second of it. She said she just gave me an opportunity to see her and I turned it down. True. She said I need to be more flexible. True. I live a very strict life and the truth is I have to mentally prepare myself to meet anyone. Although, I know I made the right decision, I still wish I would have gone. It was her turn to do the teasing.

She invited me out for tonight. I’m sure it’s not going to happen. I doubt we will actually talk at all today. She’s kind of flighty and I think she only hits me up when she drinks. I’ve kinda pushed the thought of anything ever happening between us or us ever actually seeing each other again out of my head. I will allow the texts and phone calls. If I even dare to hope for anything more I know it will end in disappointment and I am just not in a place to handle that right now.

 

Her

We met online through the lesbian dating app, Her, a little over a month ago. I didn’t expect it to lead to anything, yet here I am dreaming of building a life with her.

One moment we were trying to resolve a misunderstanding that stemmed from not knowing what we were to each other and the next moment we were making our relationship unquestionably official.

She is my girlfriend and I her’s.

That’s one of the many things I like so much about her- there aren’t any gray areas.

She wasn’t afraid to tell me that she was looking for a long term relationship and if I was looking for anything other than that I could bounce.

We have not met yet. We’re in sort of a long distance situation. An hour and thirteen minutes apart by car according to Google Maps.

“Not so far.” she said.

“Not bad at all.” I told her. “I love road trips.”

We have talked on the phone a handful of times. She’s Dutch and has an accent. That coupled with the sound of her voice makes me smile uncontrallably every time I hear it. 

I can’t wait to meet her. She runs her own business and I work an overnight schedule. Both of our jobs become busier around the holidays, so neither one of us knows for sure if the planets will align in the next month and allow us to meet.

I hope so, but I’m ok with waiting.

Aaaannnddd I’m Back

Have I really not posted anything since August? Yikes. Where did I leave off? I think I was trying to navigate the world of casual sex. Yea, that didn’t work out and I gave up. Am not cut out for it.

I was also wallowing in depression, junk food and laziness. It was a hazy couple of months. But I’m doing better.

I celebrated one year since I moved back home November 1st. I was converted from temp to full time employee at the job I’ve been temping at for a year. I am living in my dream apartment. 

I’ve started exercising and trying to eat healthier. And the most surprising thing is that I’m in a the early stages of budding romantic relationship.

I’m allowing myself to be cautiously optimistic . 

He Knows

Wednesday of last week I had lunch with another woman that I have been talking to. She also has a long term live in boyfriend and four kids. The difference between this woman and the last, is that her boyfriend is aware of the situation and he is fine with it. I prefer that. It means this can be more of a friendly type arrangement. We can go out and not worry about “getting caught”.

The first time we spoke it was after she’d had a few drinks. From the moment I answered the call she talked. The first thing she told me was that she had a colonoscopy earlier that day. She went into how the appointment went and how she was feeling at that moment. I was pretty sure after that we would not speak again. I don’t like talking about stuff like that. But as the conversation continued, she opened up about a lot of things. Problems with her boyfriend, her kids, her husband’s death, her job, only living in the country for three years. I figured that maybe it was the wine.

I know when you’re getting to know someone, some people consider it bad form to be that open upon first meeting. I, however, like it. Just like the woman before her, she shared with me a lot about her life. I love hearing about lives different than my own.

Thankfully, we both have the same day of the week off. She asked to meet for lunch. I agreed. She picked me up. When I saw her, before I even got in the car I said to myself, “Damn, she’s beautiful.” And I immediately took myself out of the game. I was going to have lunch and then go home and be miserable. We chose a chain place- bad expensive food, but the company was nice.

On the phone she has a very mellow way about her. And in person it’s no different. I can’t even imagine her being angry. We talked about random things. Life, her kids, the house she wants to buy. We didn’t discuss our whatever we were supposed to be doing. Becoming friends with benefits. That didn’t come up and honestly, I’m glad it didn’t. After lunch she wanted to hang out a little more. Good sign, eh? We went to look at a house she was interested in.

Afterwards she drove me home. I fucking hate the end of meetings. I never know what to do. I just awkwardly said good bye and got out of the car. We texted a little bit and that was that. I texted good morning a couple of days last week and got a “hey” as a response. I wanted to see her again, but fuck, if I could read the vibe after our meeting. I nutted up and asked her if she wanted to meet up again the next time our schedules allowed it. A few hours later and no response. I was a little bummed, but expected it.

I went on break and when I turned my phone on I had received a message from her.

“Yes. Call me.”

I called her and she was her usual mellow self and I was a little more chatty than usual. We couldn’t talk long because I was at work.

I’m really hoping that even if we don’t connect on a sexual level, we will connect on a friendly level. She seems really cool.

 

 

9 Days

It’s been 9 days since my first official casual hook up with a woman. I have not heard from her. I’m ok with that. I did text to say “hello” a few days in, but received no response. I don’t feel good about it, but I also don’t feel bad about it. Well, not my usual bad anyway.

I’ve given our meeting a lot of thought. I’ve gone over what I liked. What I didn’t like and what I would change going forward. Again, my biggest fear is getting emotionally attached or trying to form some sort of relationship outside of sex with these women. Trying to accept that sometimes it’s going to be a one time thing. We will have sex and I will never hear from the woman again. That’s fine. It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me. In this case, she has a long term boyfriend and four kids. That makes it easier. Less complicated. You know, unless the guy finds out.

The sex was ok. Not my best at all. When she told me she didn’t think she would cum, that kind of zapped the passion right out of me. I didn’t even want to try after that. I’ve been with a woman who did not have an orgasm with me, but she never told me she didn’t think it would happen. We still had fun.

This was a frantic meeting. It was her first time with a woman and she had all these fantasies and we didn’t have a lot of time so she wanted to do as much as she could. Things you see in porn are not always easy to pull off in real life. She also kept switching the feminine and masculine roles. I like playing masculine only, even if it’s submissive. I can’t be feminine. I was surprised at just how uncomfortable I was with it. It just felt weird.

The kissing was better than it was with the last woman I was with. The last one didn’t move her head at all. This one moved it too much. It was all over the place. I gave up a few times. Also she had facial stubble. Not a beard, but a patch of stubble. That caught me off guard. I’ve never felt that on a woman before. Not on the face anyway. That also knocked the passion down a notch.  I know I’m headed towards that some day. I’ll pluck as long as I can.

I did love how excited she was. She really made me feel wanted. We paid each other a lot of compliments, but I don’t think we are sexually compatible. At first I thought it was because of the orgasm comment, but it’s not. I think for her situation she needs a woman with a higher level of freaky in them. Someone who is really dominant and I’m just not. I’m not ashamed to admit it, I’m pretty vanilla. I’m a slow groove kind of person. I love to take my time. It could be a while before my clothes are completely off. Kissing is very important. My favorite part of the whole experience was when we sat on my sofa and talked before sex and after sex when she asked me to hold her.

vanillahaagendazs

I think I’m going to continue on this casual sex, friends with benefits journey. This was interesting. It was exciting. It was fun. The good outweighed the awkward and I dodged getting emotionally attached. Thank, Jeebus.

 

 

the aftermath

Yesterday I had my first casual sex experience with a woman. It was also the woman’s first time having sex with another woman. It was…interesting. No. That’s not the right word. I don’t know what the right word is or exactly what I expected.

My biggest worry going into this is that I would end up catching feelings for the person. I do that when women pay attention to me. I start craving it. That, thankfully, didn’t happen.

Overall it was a good experience. I’m glad it happened. I wasn’t as into it as I wanted to be. Nerves, only 3 hours of sleep and she told me at the beginning that she thought she may not be able to cum because she was too nervous kinda put a damper on things, so I didn’t really try too hard. She was short, but very pretty. Perfect lips, funny, open, and had a kind way about her.

Afterwards we cuddled and talked. Easily my favorite part of the experience. She had to leave to get home to her family. She said we should do it again. I agreed. I don’t know if she meant it or not. You know how these things go. I actually feel like I would be ok if she never contacts me again. I’m so happy about that. I didn’t form an attachment.