fat: here we go again

A couple of days ago I bought a really cool gray and blue raglan t-shirt with a NASA logo on the front. I got it in a men’s size medium which is what I normally get. I hesitated trying it on because I knew my tummy was going to be sticking out, but I tried it on any way.

Yikes!

Ugh.

Man.

ūüė¶

It wasn’t good. More horrible than I thought. I’ve never cared that much about my weight as far as being healthy or wanting people to be attracted to me. I do care about how clothes look on me. I want them to fit nicely. ¬†I’ve never been thin and don’t really care to be. I want to be at a weight where I feel comfortable. 180lbs is not it.¬†Seeing my stomach sticking out and the fat spilling out on my sides was startling.

Seeing that awfulness jolted me back into reality. I’ve gotten so friggin’ lazy. No drive. No motivation. I eat, take a sleeping pill and disappear into dreamland until it’s time for me to go to work.I have to get it together.

Where and how to start?

Well, I’ve done what I always do when I start feeling fat and a lack of motivation- make empty promises about losing weight and getting my life on track. I’m hoping this time I will find my groove and stick to it. I want to wear this shirt.

nasashirt

 

 

Advertisements

door closes. window opens…so i can jump out of it

Backing away from the lamp post.

It seems my time in the wardrobe has been extended.

This afternoon I awakened to find a text from the woman I’d been trying to date seriously. I’ve written about her a few times. Three kids, lives with her ex-husband and has herpes. That one. She sent a three paragraph text telling me that she is overwhelmed by what’s happening in her life at the moment and she wants to try and get it resolved blah, blah, blah. Basically, I received my walking papers.

heartbroke

“I completely understand. I hope everything gets better for you.” was my response.

Then I turned over and went back to sleep. I have not written anything to her since. This is a huge departure for me. Me a year ago, even with three kids, living with an ex-husband and herpes, would have begged her to change her mind. It would not have mattered if I didn’t have any feelings for her outside of friendly one, I would have wanted to be with her out of sheer desperation.

Having anything instead of nothing.

Nah, I’m good.

Well, with that out of the way, I was going to pursue a possible friend with benefits sans the guilt. Yes, the one I wrote about yesterday. The one who sent me pics of her gorgeous pillowy breasts and a video of her playing with her pussy. I composed the perfect text. It was short and to the point. Asking her straight out if she would like to meet up in the near future. Send…

Two hours later…

rejected

She blamed it on the distance. I told her I didn’t mind the drive. She said it’s too far. I didn’t really buy it as an excuse, but didn’t want to press.”Aw. I had to try.” I said and that was that. That one stung a bit. Mainly because, I guess I thought because she sent me the pics and videos she was interested. Women are confusing.

I revealed my rejection to the group. Not to gain sympathy or put her on blast (I never mentioned her name), but because the group had been so encouraging about me not being so shy and asking someone out, I thought they would get a giggle out of it.

One of the members, Hazel, messaged me privately and asked who it was. I have no problem going into details privately. I told her what happened with the earlier text. I gave her a little hint who it was and she guessed it straight away.

Hear’s the drop.

secrets

“She messaged me the other day…” Hazel wrote. She told me all about the text exchange between her and the woman I had been talking to. She was asking Hazel about her life and told her not to tell anyone she had contacted her. Hazel said the conversation died because the girl I had been talking to wasn’t her type. Interesting.

I told her about the fuck buddy as well. Hazel said she had also received a message from her asking to meet up. She said she doesn’t just meet up with someone to fuck and left it at that.

I feel weird. Bad, but not completely horrible. After the text this morning, it was like my brain kept searching for a reason for me to feel bad. Even trying to create one. It’s not there. I Being rejected…twice, sucks, but it’s not the end of the world. I’m happy I had someone to share these things with. Going it alone I know, would have been much worse.

What a day. A not so good day. Could all this have been the universe dealing out karma because I lusted after another woman? On the other hand I was spared from possibly contracting herpes so I guess it’s good? Or maybe in the words of wise old sage, Homer Simpson, “It’s just a bunch of stuff that happened.”

bulapakettle

 

 

 

 

inching closer to the lamp post

In my chat group the subject of stds was brought up. Surprisingly by me. It sprung up from a comment I’d made about becoming¬†emotionally attached to¬†a fuck buddy being my second biggest fear. Contracting an std is the biggest.

After that fear was revealed, the woman I’d been trying to date seriously sent me a private message, asking me if the person I was seeing was the marrying type would I still date them if they had an std.

Oh man. This wasn’t going to be good. I told her it was something I would have to think about and asked her straight out if she had an std.

“Yes. I have herpes.”

And there is the drop. Dammit.

narnia

Chlamydia, crabs, gonorrhea, I can deal with. Hepatitis, herpes, HIV, I do not fuck with. Sorry. I¬†handled it as delicately as I could while still trying to be honest. It must have been a difficult thing to tell me. To tell anyone. She said she got it from her ex. She gave me an out by saying she would understand if I just wanted to be friends. It really didn’t help matters that the day before she had flaked on our meetup and we’d gotten into a little argument about it.

I really don’t know what to do. Kids, living with ex-husband and now herpes. And I’m an asshole because I’m lusting after someone else. This whole thing is a mess.

 

…headed to the lamp post

And here’s where it starts to end.

narnia

My conversation with her has been progressing. She asked me the other night about my background. The damn that had been holding back things that should have been talked about during our first few exchanges burst. I kept it brief, but I said a lot. She seemed excited to know more about me.

This morning I sent her a video. Not what you’re thinking. Just saying hello. It was cute. She responded positively. She asked me more questions. I revealed¬†my crush on her. She asked me if she was the only one. I admitted that she was, however…

I let her know that I still ran a lesbian friends with benefits group on kik.

“I’m fine with it as long as you are honest.”

Then she asked me if she could join. Sigh. I want her in the group because I know it’s the right thing to do and I don’t have anything to hide, but I worry about other people possibly flirting with her. That would bother me.

Hello, insecurity.

 

i like her

We spoke again yesterday. The topics were comic books and superhero movies. She likes both Marvel and DC. She couldn’t see, but I had a dreamy smile on my face the entire time we were talking. It seems like such a small¬†thing to be so hyped over, but it made me so happy. She likes video games, comic books, and super heroes movies. So far, very good.

She sent me a nice quote the other night. It was a beautiful quote about how I make her feel. I responded in kind. I feel myself falling. Slower than usual and that is a good thing. I don’t want to rush this. I want us to take our time. To be sure. The distance helps with that.

I’m sure if she lived closer things would be different. I would have already met her and probably fallen in love thus ruining things. I tend to do that.

I don’t know what is going to happen after we meet and I don’t really want to think about it. All I know is that, in this moment, I like her.

the beginning

She finally responded. I asked when’s the best time to chat with her. She told me to hit her up on another app because she is not on KIK a lot. I gave her my number and later that night she messaged me. We’ve been exchanging messages ever since.

I’ve been trying to flirt and be forward, but not too forward because I don’t want to come off desperate and creepy. She responded positively to my little attempts at being a flirt. Now only if I can have a conversation that doesn’t seem like an interview.

Her

We met online through the lesbian dating app, Her, a little over a month ago. I didn’t expect it to lead to anything, yet here I am dreaming of building a life with her.

One moment we were trying to resolve a misunderstanding that stemmed from not knowing what we were to each other and the next moment we were making our relationship unquestionably official.

She is my girlfriend and I her’s.

That’s one of the many things I like so much about her- there aren’t any gray areas.

She wasn’t afraid to tell me that she was looking for a long term relationship and if I was looking for anything other than that I could bounce.

We have not met yet. We’re in sort of a long distance situation. An hour and thirteen minutes apart by car according to Google Maps.

“Not so far.” she said.

“Not bad at all.” I told her. “I love road trips.”

We have talked on the phone a handful of times. She’s Dutch and has an accent. That coupled with the sound of her voice makes me smile uncontrallably every time I hear it. 

I can’t wait to meet her. She runs her own business and I work an overnight schedule. Both of our jobs become busier around the holidays, so neither one of us knows for sure if the planets will align in the next month and allow us to meet.

I hope so, but I’m ok with waiting.

Aaaannnddd I’m Back

Have I really not posted anything since August? Yikes. Where did I leave off? I think I was trying to navigate the world of casual sex. Yea, that didn’t work out and I gave up. Am not cut out for it.

I was also wallowing in depression, junk food and laziness. It was a hazy couple of months. But I’m doing better.

I celebrated one year since I moved back home November 1st. I was converted from temp to full time employee at the job I’ve been temping at for a year. I am living in my dream apartment. 

I’ve started exercising and trying to eat healthier. And the most surprising thing is that I’m in a the early stages of budding romantic relationship.

I’m allowing myself to be cautiously optimistic . 

fun with kik

I always thought kik was for teenagers. It probably is, but thanks to perusing craigslist ads I have discovered that a lot of adults use it too. I started a kik account and attached my kik name to my post. I received a response from a woman that was one or two words. I played along for a little while thinking at some point she would surprise me with a complete sentence. She didn’t.

Once it got to the point where I felt like my head was going to explode, I told her that the conversation sucked (I put it a little nicer than that, but that was how I felt). Her response was to send me a picture of her tits. I thanked her and once again reiterated that I was not interested. I told her that even though I thought her tits were nice, I was looking for good conversation. Her response to that was to send me a picture of her pussy. She kept sending me suggestive pictures. I asked her if she was looking for a fuck buddy. She said yes. I told her that I was not interested in that and asked her to stop sending me pictures.

Fuck my luck. Now, if I were looking for a fuck buddy there is no way I would have ever gotten that lucky.

ugly

Ugly on the inside and out am I.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I probably come in at a 4, maybe a 5 on a good day. I’m fat. 176lbs the last time I weighed myself. I took a picture of myself the other day and was horrified. I thought maybe it was because I was kind of laying down, so I took one sitting up. Bad idea. So fat. And sloppy also. It’s really bad.

uglychick

Not an exact match, but you get the idea. My teeth and skin are actually worse ūüė¶

I have bad skin. Scars from my teenage war with acne are still visible. Not to mention pores for days. I haven’t had my eyebrows waxed in months now. My hair. My god. It’s a complete mess. I’m a complete mess, but unlike my co-worker, I do wash. My laziness has not robbed me of that.