fun with kik: nail in the coffin

And just like that my kik chat room is no more. I said my farewell and removed everyone. This happened a couple of weeks ago and I feel much better about it. I loved the  middle part when we had found a groove, but we as humans can’t stand to leave things nice.

fun with kik: secrets and lies

It’s been a rough week in my kik group. Started with me and the woman I was kinda involved with bringing drama. Then the best friend of a member died back in their home country. The member was devastated about it. Then last night, one of the women revealed that she’d met her husband’s girlfriend whom she’d only found out existed the night before. It was total mess. That was all child’s play compared to the atomic bomb that was placed in my lap earlier this morning.

“Is she really that important?”

Was the question a new member asked last week when a senior member *Karen* chose to leave because I’d removed another member from the group because I thought it was a guy. She became upset with me when I refused her request to re-add the member without proof that she was in fact a woman.

“She is fun, funny and keeps the group in stitches laughing so hard.

She will always be welcome here.”

That was my response to the new member. And it’s all true. Had it not been for this member, we’d still be stuck in an awkward loop of pleasantries. We wouldn’t know anything about each other. She is great at getting people to feel comfortable.  That’s what makes what I found out tonight even more upsetting

“I have something to tell you.”

Read the text I received in the wee hours this morning in a private message from one of the members, *Alice*.

“Nothing bad, I hope”

Was my response.Knowing I was asking too much, I steeled myself.

“I wish it wasn’t”

*Alice* wrote back.

“I don’t even know how to tell you this.”

She continued.

jupiter

I put myself in break and waited for her messages. *Alice* told me that she and *Karen* had been seeing each other. I knew about this. She didn’t know that I knew, but *Karen* told me in confidence about it a while ago. I wish it ended there, but it didn’t. She told me that she went to the ER earlier last week for some kind of break out. My heart sank. With the herpes thing from the liar I’d been dealing with still fresh in my mind, I immediately thought that was it. I heard the first flare up can be pretty bad. That wasn’t it.

She told me that what she’d had an allergic reaction to something, but while she was in the ER they gave her a rapid HIV test. Thankfully, it came back negative. She also told me that *Karen” had told her last night that she is HIV positive and she’s known she’s been positive for six years.

Oh God, why couldn’t it have been herpes?

The bombs kept coming. *Alice* told me that *Karen* said that she hadn’t planned on telling her, but her best friend’s death last week prompted her to. Wow.  I asked *Alice* if that was how the friend died. She confirmed that *Karen’s* friend had died of AIDS. Fuck.

I feel horrible. I am so scared and worried for *Alice*. I can only imagine the horror she is dealing with right now. Not being 100% sure. She said they used protection. I pray it was enough. I’m leaving what to do with “Karen* being in the group up to *Alice*.

saturn

I am furious with *Karen*, but at the same time my heart breaks for her. In the short time that I’ve known her, I have grown to care for her quite a bit. She did the impossible- made me comfortable enough to speak in a crowd and not fear what type of response I would get. I will never forget that. I think of this tragic news and recall a picture *Karen* once posted of her two little kids and a flood of tears rush to my eyes. Having lost my dear aunt to it, I know what AIDS does to a person.

*Alice* told me that everyone in “Karen’s* home country new that she had HIV. That’s why she left. To come here for meds, treatment and a new start. I can’t imagine how lonely it must be and it’s somewhat comforting knowing that HIV isn’t the death sentence it used it be, but what *Karen* did is inexcusable. I am not ok with it at all. She knowingly, willingly put someone’s life at risk. I’m not sure what to do.

*Alice* and I have been chatting quite a bit about how to handle this. She’s as lost as I am. Understandably, she doesn’t want anything else to do with “Karen*, but feels sorry for her at the same time.  We don’t want her exposing anyone else to what she has. The fact that she told *Alice* that she wasn’t planning on telling her anything horrifies me. Who knows who else she has been keeping this from? She flirts with everyone in the group.

Fuck.

pluto

but I want her

I am confused.

Always confused.

There is a woman in my FWB group that I kind of sort of have a crush on. She’s always talking about women she’s set to meet always flake on her. I look at her and I just don’t understand it. The woman is a bombshell. Absolutely gorgeous. Oh my god.

The other day something happened in the group where I had to remove someone. She private messaged me and asked the reason. I explained it to her. Then I tried to flirt a little. I told her I felt special because she messaged me. She sent me another message.

This was wow. It was a picture of her tits and she had her finger in her pussy. It was so fucking hot. I messaged her back and let her know that it turned me on. We played back and forth a bit. She sent me another message. This time it was a video. She was caressing her breast. I normally don’t care for big breasts, but hers are glorious. So pillowy looking. I would have been happy with that, but it went further.

The camera panned down to show her playing with her pussy. Rubbing her clit and sliding her finger inside. I was so turned on. There was a moment where the look of totally ecstasy came across her face.  I wanted to see her cum. I sent her a message letting her know that I would be pleasuring myself to her video. And I did. Twice.

She teased me a bit. The next day we spoke again and she sent another picture. She was in the shower on this one. Her body is amazing. A true curvy woman. She was squatting. I sent a lame line about how I wish she was doing that over my face.

“Yummy” was her response. I didn’t know what to say after that.

hookup

I think she might be open to a hook up. I should at least try right? But how do I ask?

 

 

random thoughts: kik confusion

I started another kik group. I don’t know why I can’t stay away from that place. This group is for lesbian and bi women who are looking for fuck buddies. I posted in the casual section of craigslist because even though every personal section of craigslist seems to be filled with people looking for fuck buddies, this section is specifically designated for that purpose. I have 33 members. It started out poppin. People were excited. Flirting, posting naughty pics and gifs and talking about what they are looking for. Now it seems to have turned into everyone saying good morning and then prattling on about how boring their lives are. Myself included.

Wtf?

How did I let this happen again?

The other night someone brought up the current situation. It seems some of the women had been in a private chat with someone from the group and after pictures were exchanged the other person just stopped responding. Then they complained about how they could not meet any one.

“Maybe the attraction wasn’t there.” One of the members responded. Valid point, but why not just tell the person that?

That member who complained made a great point. I’ve already seen three times someone suggest a meeting and then the others make excuses about why they cannot attend. I really don’t know what the point of joining the group was.

They all found my ad through casual encounters on fucking craigslist. So why are we all being such prudes?

I don’t doubt the desires are real, but sometimes I think women like this just enjoy the thought of being with another woman, having other women flirt with them, but when it comes time to actually act on it, they retreat.

Most of the women in the group are bi and have male partners. I believe only three of them have actually been with another woman and I’m one of two actual lesbians in the group. So out of 33 women you have 5 women who have been with other women. I’m not understanding exactly what is going on.

On the upside it’s nice to know that I am not the only person who has problems meeting women. There are more than a few very attractive women in the group who have gotten ghosted on. I guess it’s not easy for any one.

 

 

He Knows

Wednesday of last week I had lunch with another woman that I have been talking to. She also has a long term live in boyfriend and four kids. The difference between this woman and the last, is that her boyfriend is aware of the situation and he is fine with it. I prefer that. It means this can be more of a friendly type arrangement. We can go out and not worry about “getting caught”.

The first time we spoke it was after she’d had a few drinks. From the moment I answered the call she talked. The first thing she told me was that she had a colonoscopy earlier that day. She went into how the appointment went and how she was feeling at that moment. I was pretty sure after that we would not speak again. I don’t like talking about stuff like that. But as the conversation continued, she opened up about a lot of things. Problems with her boyfriend, her kids, her husband’s death, her job, only living in the country for three years. I figured that maybe it was the wine.

I know when you’re getting to know someone, some people consider it bad form to be that open upon first meeting. I, however, like it. Just like the woman before her, she shared with me a lot about her life. I love hearing about lives different than my own.

Thankfully, we both have the same day of the week off. She asked to meet for lunch. I agreed. She picked me up. When I saw her, before I even got in the car I said to myself, “Damn, she’s beautiful.” And I immediately took myself out of the game. I was going to have lunch and then go home and be miserable. We chose a chain place- bad expensive food, but the company was nice.

On the phone she has a very mellow way about her. And in person it’s no different. I can’t even imagine her being angry. We talked about random things. Life, her kids, the house she wants to buy. We didn’t discuss our whatever we were supposed to be doing. Becoming friends with benefits. That didn’t come up and honestly, I’m glad it didn’t. After lunch she wanted to hang out a little more. Good sign, eh? We went to look at a house she was interested in.

Afterwards she drove me home. I fucking hate the end of meetings. I never know what to do. I just awkwardly said good bye and got out of the car. We texted a little bit and that was that. I texted good morning a couple of days last week and got a “hey” as a response. I wanted to see her again, but fuck, if I could read the vibe after our meeting. I nutted up and asked her if she wanted to meet up again the next time our schedules allowed it. A few hours later and no response. I was a little bummed, but expected it.

I went on break and when I turned my phone on I had received a message from her.

“Yes. Call me.”

I called her and she was her usual mellow self and I was a little more chatty than usual. We couldn’t talk long because I was at work.

I’m really hoping that even if we don’t connect on a sexual level, we will connect on a friendly level. She seems really cool.

 

 

9 Days

It’s been 9 days since my first official casual hook up with a woman. I have not heard from her. I’m ok with that. I did text to say “hello” a few days in, but received no response. I don’t feel good about it, but I also don’t feel bad about it. Well, not my usual bad anyway.

I’ve given our meeting a lot of thought. I’ve gone over what I liked. What I didn’t like and what I would change going forward. Again, my biggest fear is getting emotionally attached or trying to form some sort of relationship outside of sex with these women. Trying to accept that sometimes it’s going to be a one time thing. We will have sex and I will never hear from the woman again. That’s fine. It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me. In this case, she has a long term boyfriend and four kids. That makes it easier. Less complicated. You know, unless the guy finds out.

The sex was ok. Not my best at all. When she told me she didn’t think she would cum, that kind of zapped the passion right out of me. I didn’t even want to try after that. I’ve been with a woman who did not have an orgasm with me, but she never told me she didn’t think it would happen. We still had fun.

This was a frantic meeting. It was her first time with a woman and she had all these fantasies and we didn’t have a lot of time so she wanted to do as much as she could. Things you see in porn are not always easy to pull off in real life. She also kept switching the feminine and masculine roles. I like playing masculine only, even if it’s submissive. I can’t be feminine. I was surprised at just how uncomfortable I was with it. It just felt weird.

The kissing was better than it was with the last woman I was with. The last one didn’t move her head at all. This one moved it too much. It was all over the place. I gave up a few times. Also she had facial stubble. Not a beard, but a patch of stubble. That caught me off guard. I’ve never felt that on a woman before. Not on the face anyway. That also knocked the passion down a notch.  I know I’m headed towards that some day. I’ll pluck as long as I can.

I did love how excited she was. She really made me feel wanted. We paid each other a lot of compliments, but I don’t think we are sexually compatible. At first I thought it was because of the orgasm comment, but it’s not. I think for her situation she needs a woman with a higher level of freaky in them. Someone who is really dominant and I’m just not. I’m not ashamed to admit it, I’m pretty vanilla. I’m a slow groove kind of person. I love to take my time. It could be a while before my clothes are completely off. Kissing is very important. My favorite part of the whole experience was when we sat on my sofa and talked before sex and after sex when she asked me to hold her.

vanillahaagendazs

I think I’m going to continue on this casual sex, friends with benefits journey. This was interesting. It was exciting. It was fun. The good outweighed the awkward and I dodged getting emotionally attached. Thank, Jeebus.

 

 

the aftermath

Yesterday I had my first casual sex experience with a woman. It was also the woman’s first time having sex with another woman. It was…interesting. No. That’s not the right word. I don’t know what the right word is or exactly what I expected.

My biggest worry going into this is that I would end up catching feelings for the person. I do that when women pay attention to me. I start craving it. That, thankfully, didn’t happen.

Overall it was a good experience. I’m glad it happened. I wasn’t as into it as I wanted to be. Nerves, only 3 hours of sleep and she told me at the beginning that she thought she may not be able to cum because she was too nervous kinda put a damper on things, so I didn’t really try too hard. She was short, but very pretty. Perfect lips, funny, open, and had a kind way about her.

Afterwards we cuddled and talked. Easily my favorite part of the experience. She had to leave to get home to her family. She said we should do it again. I agreed. I don’t know if she meant it or not. You know how these things go. I actually feel like I would be ok if she never contacts me again. I’m so happy about that. I didn’t form an attachment.

 

 

keep it chill

Catching feelings for a hook up is what scares me most about this new casual sex path that I have chosen. I seem to be having  hard time treating this possible meeting on Friday as sex only. I know we’re only meeting to have sex. That’s what I want, but I keep looking past that meeting at what might be. There is no might be. I’m almost 100% sure this is going to be a one off and I want to be fine with that.

terrible decisions

I received a response to my latest craigslist ad. It’s from a 30 year old Latina. She’s actually attractive to me. Our text exchanges were lightning fast. We hashed out what we were both looking for. I told her I’m pretty open at the moment. She told me she has a boyfriend whom she did not want knowing about her attraction to women.She’s looking for someone to help explore that side with.

She says she has been trying for a few years to meet a woman to have sex with, but most don’t believe she is actually a woman. I’m not sure that I do either which is why we will be meeting at a very public place. I usually don’t mess with women who are just looking to explore, but since I’m still on the fence on whether or not I want to pursue the relationship avenue, it will be nice to just play around and not worry about feelings and commitment and all that crap.

I am a little concerned because she has a boyfriend. I’ve been with a married person before, but I had no idea about the wife until after we’d already fucked. I felt terrible. I’ve never knowingly hooked up with an attached person. Honestly, I still want to have sex with her, I just don’t want to get my ass kicked by a jealous partner.

fun with kik 2.1

This post tacks onto the one I wrote yesterday about the woman I didn’t find attractive possibly rejecting me. That didn’t happen because I didn’t send a picture.

We chatted a bit and in between texts she would send a picture. It was not helping the situation. If anything, the more pictures she sent the worse it got. I could tell from her profile photo that she was an older lady. She has a short old lady body. You know the one where they are not fat, but also not skinny and have the skinny legs? She also has the classic older lesbian haircut. And she had a Rosie O’Donnell smile. Where it doesn’t look like she’s smiling, she’s just showing you her teeth? That kind of smile.

I tried to steer the conversation away from photos because they were not doing it for me. In one of the photos she looked like she was getting ready to attack the person taking the picture. Why would you send that to someone? She kept dropping hints that she was only looking for a hook-up. Whew! A way out.Then she sent me a picture of her in black lace panties with her legs spread. Yikes! I told her we were looking for different things and I got the hell out of that conversation. Felt like I was looking at someone’s grandma.

homerbleach

fun with kik 2

A woman started messaging me yesterday on Kik. Today she sent me a picture. Um. She’s not unattractive, but she is definitely not my type. I was thinking of sending her a pic, which I rarely ever do, in hopes that it will scare her off and I don’t have to fade. But then I was thinking, if I send the pic and she stops responding I will feel bad because a woman who is not my type found me unattractive. Yes, I know how fucked up that sounds.

Destined to be alone.

fun with kik

I always thought kik was for teenagers. It probably is, but thanks to perusing craigslist ads I have discovered that a lot of adults use it too. I started a kik account and attached my kik name to my post. I received a response from a woman that was one or two words. I played along for a little while thinking at some point she would surprise me with a complete sentence. She didn’t.

Once it got to the point where I felt like my head was going to explode, I told her that the conversation sucked (I put it a little nicer than that, but that was how I felt). Her response was to send me a picture of her tits. I thanked her and once again reiterated that I was not interested. I told her that even though I thought her tits were nice, I was looking for good conversation. Her response to that was to send me a picture of her pussy. She kept sending me suggestive pictures. I asked her if she was looking for a fuck buddy. She said yes. I told her that I was not interested in that and asked her to stop sending me pictures.

Fuck my luck. Now, if I were looking for a fuck buddy there is no way I would have ever gotten that lucky.