fun with kik: secrets and lies

It’s been a rough week in my kik group. Started with me and the woman I was kinda involved with bringing drama. Then the best friend of a member died back in their home country. The member was devastated about it. Then last night, one of the women revealed that she’d met her husband’s girlfriend whom she’d only found out existed the night before. It was total mess. That was all child’s play compared to the atomic bomb that was placed in my lap earlier this morning.

“Is she really that important?”

Was the question a new member asked last week when a senior member *Karen* chose to leave because I’d removed another member from the group because I thought it was a guy. She became upset with me when I refused her request to re-add the member without proof that she was in fact a woman.

“She is fun, funny and keeps the group in stitches laughing so hard.

She will always be welcome here.”

That was my response to the new member. And it’s all true. Had it not been for this member, we’d still be stuck in an awkward loop of pleasantries. We wouldn’t know anything about each other. She is great at getting people to feel comfortable.  That’s what makes what I found out tonight even more upsetting

“I have something to tell you.”

Read the text I received in the wee hours this morning in a private message from one of the members, *Alice*.

“Nothing bad, I hope”

Was my response.Knowing I was asking too much, I steeled myself.

“I wish it wasn’t”

*Alice* wrote back.

“I don’t even know how to tell you this.”

She continued.

jupiter

I put myself in break and waited for her messages. *Alice* told me that she and *Karen* had been seeing each other. I knew about this. She didn’t know that I knew, but *Karen* told me in confidence about it a while ago. I wish it ended there, but it didn’t. She told me that she went to the ER earlier last week for some kind of break out. My heart sank. With the herpes thing from the liar I’d been dealing with still fresh in my mind, I immediately thought that was it. I heard the first flare up can be pretty bad. That wasn’t it.

She told me that what she’d had an allergic reaction to something, but while she was in the ER they gave her a rapid HIV test. Thankfully, it came back negative. She also told me that *Karen” had told her last night that she is HIV positive and she’s known she’s been positive for six years.

Oh God, why couldn’t it have been herpes?

The bombs kept coming. *Alice* told me that *Karen* said that she hadn’t planned on telling her, but her best friend’s death last week prompted her to. Wow.  I asked *Alice* if that was how the friend died. She confirmed that *Karen’s* friend had died of AIDS. Fuck.

I feel horrible. I am so scared and worried for *Alice*. I can only imagine the horror she is dealing with right now. Not being 100% sure. She said they used protection. I pray it was enough. I’m leaving what to do with “Karen* being in the group up to *Alice*.

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I am furious with *Karen*, but at the same time my heart breaks for her. In the short time that I’ve known her, I have grown to care for her quite a bit. She did the impossible- made me comfortable enough to speak in a crowd and not fear what type of response I would get. I will never forget that. I think of this tragic news and recall a picture *Karen* once posted of her two little kids and a flood of tears rush to my eyes. Having lost my dear aunt to it, I know what AIDS does to a person.

*Alice* told me that everyone in “Karen’s* home country new that she had HIV. That’s why she left. To come here for meds, treatment and a new start. I can’t imagine how lonely it must be and it’s somewhat comforting knowing that HIV isn’t the death sentence it used it be, but what *Karen* did is inexcusable. I am not ok with it at all. She knowingly, willingly put someone’s life at risk. I’m not sure what to do.

*Alice* and I have been chatting quite a bit about how to handle this. She’s as lost as I am. Understandably, she doesn’t want anything else to do with “Karen*, but feels sorry for her at the same time.  We don’t want her exposing anyone else to what she has. The fact that she told *Alice* that she wasn’t planning on telling her anything horrifies me. Who knows who else she has been keeping this from? She flirts with everyone in the group.

Fuck.

pluto

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i like her

We spoke again yesterday. The topics were comic books and superhero movies. She likes both Marvel and DC. She couldn’t see, but I had a dreamy smile on my face the entire time we were talking. It seems like such a small thing to be so hyped over, but it made me so happy. She likes video games, comic books, and super heroes movies. So far, very good.

She sent me a nice quote the other night. It was a beautiful quote about how I make her feel. I responded in kind. I feel myself falling. Slower than usual and that is a good thing. I don’t want to rush this. I want us to take our time. To be sure. The distance helps with that.

I’m sure if she lived closer things would be different. I would have already met her and probably fallen in love thus ruining things. I tend to do that.

I don’t know what is going to happen after we meet and I don’t really want to think about it. All I know is that, in this moment, I like her.

future. future? future :)

“Good morning future.”

That was the text I received this morning from the woman I’ve been chatting up these past few weeks. She doesn’t say a lot in text, but when she does…man.

Butterflies were released in my tummy when I read that.

We had a phone call today. This was the first time we’ve spoken on the phone since we “met”. Her voice is lovely. I wanted to talk longer, but she was at work and had to get back to it. She texted me a little later in the day to talk, but I was already asleep.

I still don’t know what to think. I’m holding myself back from jumping ahead. I make that mistake so much. Although, i want to, but I’m scared. I do take comfort in the fact that she is looking forward. I’m not getting a bunch of wishy-washy, we’ll see what happens type responses from her.

We’re supposed to meet tomorrow. Doubt it’s going to happen. Not because I don’t want it to, but because I have to work. I’ll try for the day after. How could I not after she sent me this before she went to bed:

“Thinking of u.”

 

rambling about random stuff on the last saturday of 2016

Not only the last Saturday of 2016, but the last day of 2016. It’s been a dark one in the entertainment world for sure. Losing so many people that I grew up watching or listening to has been unbelievable and very sad. For me, personally, the year has not been that bad.

Although, I’m still mourning the loss of my dear aunt last December and I no longer know how to sleep without taking drowsy pills, all in all, not one of my worse years.

I was hired on at a job that I like and working a schedule that I love. I saved up and purchased a motor scooter so I’ll have reliable transportation to and from work. My apartment is almost decorated the way I want it. I still have a lot to do, but for the most part, everything is ok.

simpsonsnewyear

I even started chatting up a woman I am genuinely interested in and who is interested in me. It’s been a slow build and I am thankful for that. The moment she told me she had a PS4 I was totally smitten.

“I need to catch my breath.” I told her.

“Why?” she asked.

I couldn’t help but gush. “Smart, funny, gorgeous, actually a lesbian, femme, and plays video games? In my circle that is a super rare combination.”

We’ve entered the pet name stage. Baby, sweetheart, love. Sigh.

She sent me a picture the other night of her all made up. Her lips are amazing. Lips are now the first thing I look at when I see a woman. I’d never thought about them before until I kissed a woman who had very thin lips. I did not enjoy that experience at all. And she was generally horrible at kissing so it was bad all around.

I’m not as anxious as I normally would be. I feel quite relaxed actually. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I know she is real. She exists. She not some weirdo posting fake pics on craigslist.

Something happened to her this past week where she had to make a pretty big decision. She told me about it, but because it took me so long to answer she though it scared me off. It did not. I was just unable to answer right away. I read it and answered. When I was able to finally to take in what she was telling me I realized that she had taken the time to consider how I would feel about it.

The way I saw it I didn’t think my feelings about the situation mattered at all, but she thought they did and I really appreciated that. That put any lingering doubt I had about her taking this seriously out of my mind. She told me straight up that she was hoping to establish something with me. I told her that I was hoping for the same.

It’s been difficult, especially with it being the holidays, trying to plan a meet up, but last night we set this upcoming Thursday as a tentative date to meet. I have no idea what we are going to do. Early on I suggested dinner and a movie. Classic. But I think we may keep it at a lunch. We both have odd schedules and she has responsibilities that I do not. Kids.

I’m looking forward to finally meeting her. I would like to feel some excitement, but the truth is I don’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve been down this path so many times and have become too cynical to get my hopes up that this will lead anywhere, but where it always leads- me getting ghosted on.

So I am going to just focus on and enjoy the time we spend together.

 

random thoughts: kik confusion

I started another kik group. I don’t know why I can’t stay away from that place. This group is for lesbian and bi women who are looking for fuck buddies. I posted in the casual section of craigslist because even though every personal section of craigslist seems to be filled with people looking for fuck buddies, this section is specifically designated for that purpose. I have 33 members. It started out poppin. People were excited. Flirting, posting naughty pics and gifs and talking about what they are looking for. Now it seems to have turned into everyone saying good morning and then prattling on about how boring their lives are. Myself included.

Wtf?

How did I let this happen again?

The other night someone brought up the current situation. It seems some of the women had been in a private chat with someone from the group and after pictures were exchanged the other person just stopped responding. Then they complained about how they could not meet any one.

“Maybe the attraction wasn’t there.” One of the members responded. Valid point, but why not just tell the person that?

That member who complained made a great point. I’ve already seen three times someone suggest a meeting and then the others make excuses about why they cannot attend. I really don’t know what the point of joining the group was.

They all found my ad through casual encounters on fucking craigslist. So why are we all being such prudes?

I don’t doubt the desires are real, but sometimes I think women like this just enjoy the thought of being with another woman, having other women flirt with them, but when it comes time to actually act on it, they retreat.

Most of the women in the group are bi and have male partners. I believe only three of them have actually been with another woman and I’m one of two actual lesbians in the group. So out of 33 women you have 5 women who have been with other women. I’m not understanding exactly what is going on.

On the upside it’s nice to know that I am not the only person who has problems meeting women. There are more than a few very attractive women in the group who have gotten ghosted on. I guess it’s not easy for any one.

 

 

the beginning

She finally responded. I asked when’s the best time to chat with her. She told me to hit her up on another app because she is not on KIK a lot. I gave her my number and later that night she messaged me. We’ve been exchanging messages ever since.

I’ve been trying to flirt and be forward, but not too forward because I don’t want to come off desperate and creepy. She responded positively to my little attempts at being a flirt. Now only if I can have a conversation that doesn’t seem like an interview.

Ghosts

I’ll get into the aftermath of my last post another time.

For now, what’s on my mind is the phone conversation that wrapped up a little over an hour ago. I will try to get out as many thoughts as I can before my sleeping pill kicks in. I believe I have written about her before. Eh, I’m too lazy to go look at old posts and I’m not in the mood to cringe.

Anyway, I met her when I was going through the whole casual sex thing. We never met up for sex. Only messaged, talked on the phone and had lunch once. She has 4 kids and had a boyfriend. Her life got busy and I got tired of waiting so I let things die a quiet death. I was bummed. If nothing else I liked listening to her. That accent. But she had a boyfriend, kids and a lot going on. I didn’t want to compete with any of that.

A couple of months later I received a text out of nowhere. “Who’s this?” I was crushed. She didn’t even remember who I was. I wrote back,

“No one. Please delete my number. I’m sure we’re never going to meet up again.”

Ah. That fragile ego talking.

“Ok.” she responded. I thought that would be the end of it. I felt bad that I lashed out like that. I would think of her fleetingly. I’d try to say something bad about her to make myself not like her, but I couldn’t. I’d just smile and say I was being petty. After Thanksgiving I received another text from her. I got upset. Not at her, but at that weird situation I will I was going through. I told her to stop messaging me.

Then the next day I woke up and  checked my phone and she had called me. I messaged her asking her why she called me. She genuinely did not know who I was. I started teasing her at that point and after a while she remembered who I was and we had a brief, but cool conversation. That was a week ago.

Tonight when I got home from work I had another text from her. I texted her back and asked a question. Then she called. That accent.

We talked. I mean she talked. I mainly giggled like a schoolgirl and listened. She told me that things didn’t work out with her boyfriend and that he had moved out. Funny, I didn’t feel anything. I feel like my response should have been “Yes! Time to strike!” But nah. I’m not setting myself up like that. She also told me that he had become uncomfortable with us talking so much and she ended up hiding my number under someone else’s name. Something happened with her phone, blah, blah, blah and that’s why she didn’t recognize my number.

We talked about a few other things. Surprisingly, she remembered quite a bit about me. I really thought she didn’t know who I was. Then she said she wanted me to come over to her place. It was 4:30am. I’m was not going anywhere. I would have loved to see her and if she lived right around the corner I would have, but she lives too far away for me to be going anywhere at 4:30 in the morning.

Instead of just saying no and explaining why, I danced around the topic. She straight up called me out and I liked every second of it. She said she just gave me an opportunity to see her and I turned it down. True. She said I need to be more flexible. True. I live a very strict life and the truth is I have to mentally prepare myself to meet anyone. Although, I know I made the right decision, I still wish I would have gone. It was her turn to do the teasing.

She invited me out for tonight. I’m sure it’s not going to happen. I doubt we will actually talk at all today. She’s kind of flighty and I think she only hits me up when she drinks. I’ve kinda pushed the thought of anything ever happening between us or us ever actually seeing each other again out of my head. I will allow the texts and phone calls. If I even dare to hope for anything more I know it will end in disappointment and I am just not in a place to handle that right now.

 

9 Days

It’s been 9 days since my first official casual hook up with a woman. I have not heard from her. I’m ok with that. I did text to say “hello” a few days in, but received no response. I don’t feel good about it, but I also don’t feel bad about it. Well, not my usual bad anyway.

I’ve given our meeting a lot of thought. I’ve gone over what I liked. What I didn’t like and what I would change going forward. Again, my biggest fear is getting emotionally attached or trying to form some sort of relationship outside of sex with these women. Trying to accept that sometimes it’s going to be a one time thing. We will have sex and I will never hear from the woman again. That’s fine. It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me. In this case, she has a long term boyfriend and four kids. That makes it easier. Less complicated. You know, unless the guy finds out.

The sex was ok. Not my best at all. When she told me she didn’t think she would cum, that kind of zapped the passion right out of me. I didn’t even want to try after that. I’ve been with a woman who did not have an orgasm with me, but she never told me she didn’t think it would happen. We still had fun.

This was a frantic meeting. It was her first time with a woman and she had all these fantasies and we didn’t have a lot of time so she wanted to do as much as she could. Things you see in porn are not always easy to pull off in real life. She also kept switching the feminine and masculine roles. I like playing masculine only, even if it’s submissive. I can’t be feminine. I was surprised at just how uncomfortable I was with it. It just felt weird.

The kissing was better than it was with the last woman I was with. The last one didn’t move her head at all. This one moved it too much. It was all over the place. I gave up a few times. Also she had facial stubble. Not a beard, but a patch of stubble. That caught me off guard. I’ve never felt that on a woman before. Not on the face anyway. That also knocked the passion down a notch.  I know I’m headed towards that some day. I’ll pluck as long as I can.

I did love how excited she was. She really made me feel wanted. We paid each other a lot of compliments, but I don’t think we are sexually compatible. At first I thought it was because of the orgasm comment, but it’s not. I think for her situation she needs a woman with a higher level of freaky in them. Someone who is really dominant and I’m just not. I’m not ashamed to admit it, I’m pretty vanilla. I’m a slow groove kind of person. I love to take my time. It could be a while before my clothes are completely off. Kissing is very important. My favorite part of the whole experience was when we sat on my sofa and talked before sex and after sex when she asked me to hold her.

vanillahaagendazs

I think I’m going to continue on this casual sex, friends with benefits journey. This was interesting. It was exciting. It was fun. The good outweighed the awkward and I dodged getting emotionally attached. Thank, Jeebus.

 

 

that was awkward

My adventures on craigslist and kik are going well. I’m getting one or two new people messaging me a day. One person messaged me yesterday and we had a rather awkward exchange.

It started with the typical getting to know you questions: where from, age, bf, gf, married, identify as, what are you looking for? She’s bi, married and looking for something casual. During our exchange I asked her if she had ever stepped out on her husband. She said kinda. I asked her to clarify. She said it was with a girl who lived with them at some point.

“That sounds like fun.” I responded thinking that she meant they would spend time fooling around while the husband was away. I watch too many movies.

Then she told me the woman was drunk and passed out and she put her to bed. “During sex?” I asked.

“No, she wasn’t into girls” she told me. I told her I misunderstood what she said. “I undressed her fully and put her to bed.” she continued. “So you’ve never been with a woman?” I asked. “I fingered her pussy.” she said. It hadn’t clicked with me yet what I was actually reading.

“Fingering her pussy sounds like sex.” I said. “Yes” she responded. At this point I’m like, but she just told me she had never had sex with a woman plus she said this woman was not into women. Fuck. It hit me.

“Did she know about it?” I asked.

“Never knew.” she said.

“That sounds like rape.” I told her.

Then she sent a sad face and told me she was not proud of it. What the fuck?

There are a few things going on in my mind about this. I wish I would have been more delicate about it instead of basically calling this woman a rapist. It was the first thing that popped into my head. I ended up apologizing.

The other thing I’m thinking is that this may be some guy living out his fantasy. I know it sounds far fetched, but it is craigslist and there are a lot of dudes who have fantasies like this and a lot of them are on craigslist. I get guys all the time posing as women who want to play out their fantasies as if they are the women taking advantage of other women.They always trip up and reveal themselves during the nine million questions I ask. I’m actually hoping that’s the case this time.

 

 

 

terrible decisions

I received a response to my latest craigslist ad. It’s from a 30 year old Latina. She’s actually attractive to me. Our text exchanges were lightning fast. We hashed out what we were both looking for. I told her I’m pretty open at the moment. She told me she has a boyfriend whom she did not want knowing about her attraction to women.She’s looking for someone to help explore that side with.

She says she has been trying for a few years to meet a woman to have sex with, but most don’t believe she is actually a woman. I’m not sure that I do either which is why we will be meeting at a very public place. I usually don’t mess with women who are just looking to explore, but since I’m still on the fence on whether or not I want to pursue the relationship avenue, it will be nice to just play around and not worry about feelings and commitment and all that crap.

I am a little concerned because she has a boyfriend. I’ve been with a married person before, but I had no idea about the wife until after we’d already fucked. I felt terrible. I’ve never knowingly hooked up with an attached person. Honestly, I still want to have sex with her, I just don’t want to get my ass kicked by a jealous partner.

a tale of two profiles

I made my return to OkCupid a few days ago. I created two profiles: one for dating and one for casual sex. Why two? Because I don’t know what the fuck I want, and you get a scarlet letter for admitting that “hey, I’m also just down to fuck.” on a regular profile.

Considering my age, my race, and the fact that I am not attractive, I have received a decent amount of views and likes. Unfortunately, the messages I have received have been from women who are states away and I’m pretty sure two of them are bots.

For the dating profile I received a like from a woman today. I have no interest in her. She’s heavy. She has a kid. And she has “Christian and very serious about it” listed. She also had breathing as one of the things she could never do without. It irks me a tad when people take that question seriously. I always understood it to be playful. Of course you can’t do without breathing and water.

The casual sex profile has only gotten visitors. None of them have casual sex listed as something they are looking for so I’m not going to contact them.