door closes. window opens…so i can jump out of it

Backing away from the lamp post.

It seems my time in the wardrobe has been extended.

This afternoon I awakened to find a text from the woman I’d been trying to date seriously. I’ve written about her a few times. Three kids, lives with her ex-husband and has herpes. That one. She sent a three paragraph text telling me that she is overwhelmed by what’s happening in her life at the moment and she wants to try and get it resolved blah, blah, blah. Basically, I received my walking papers.

heartbroke

“I completely understand. I hope everything gets better for you.” was my response.

Then I turned over and went back to sleep. I have not written anything to her since. This is a huge departure for me. Me a year ago, even with three kids, living with an ex-husband and herpes, would have begged her to change her mind. It would not have mattered if I didn’t have any feelings for her outside of friendly one, I would have wanted to be with her out of sheer desperation.

Having anything instead of nothing.

Nah, I’m good.

Well, with that out of the way, I was going to pursue a possible friend with benefits sans the guilt. Yes, the one I wrote about yesterday. The one who sent me pics of her gorgeous pillowy breasts and a video of her playing with her pussy. I composed the perfect text. It was short and to the point. Asking her straight out if she would like to meet up in the near future. Send…

Two hours later…

rejected

She blamed it on the distance. I told her I didn’t mind the drive. She said it’s too far. I didn’t really buy it as an excuse, but didn’t want to press.”Aw. I had to try.” I said and that was that. That one stung a bit. Mainly because, I guess I thought because she sent me the pics and videos she was interested. Women are confusing.

I revealed my rejection to the group. Not to gain sympathy or put her on blast (I never mentioned her name), but because the group had been so encouraging about me not being so shy and asking someone out, I thought they would get a giggle out of it.

One of the members, Hazel, messaged me privately and asked who it was. I have no problem going into details privately. I told her what happened with the earlier text. I gave her a little hint who it was and she guessed it straight away.

Hear’s the drop.

secrets

“She messaged me the other day…” Hazel wrote. She told me all about the text exchange between her and the woman I had been talking to. She was asking Hazel about her life and told her not to tell anyone she had contacted her. Hazel said the conversation died because the girl I had been talking to wasn’t her type. Interesting.

I told her about the fuck buddy as well. Hazel said she had also received a message from her asking to meet up. She said she doesn’t just meet up with someone to fuck and left it at that.

I feel weird. Bad, but not completely horrible. After the text this morning, it was like my brain kept searching for a reason for me to feel bad. Even trying to create one. It’s not there. I Being rejected…twice, sucks, but it’s not the end of the world. I’m happy I had someone to share these things with. Going it alone I know, would have been much worse.

What a day. A not so good day. Could all this have been the universe dealing out karma because I lusted after another woman? On the other hand I was spared from possibly contracting herpes so I guess it’s good? Or maybe in the words of wise old sage, Homer Simpson, “It’s just a bunch of stuff that happened.”

bulapakettle

 

 

 

 

i like her

We spoke again yesterday. The topics were comic books and superhero movies. She likes both Marvel and DC. She couldn’t see, but I had a dreamy smile on my face the entire time we were talking. It seems like such a small thing to be so hyped over, but it made me so happy. She likes video games, comic books, and super heroes movies. So far, very good.

She sent me a nice quote the other night. It was a beautiful quote about how I make her feel. I responded in kind. I feel myself falling. Slower than usual and that is a good thing. I don’t want to rush this. I want us to take our time. To be sure. The distance helps with that.

I’m sure if she lived closer things would be different. I would have already met her and probably fallen in love thus ruining things. I tend to do that.

I don’t know what is going to happen after we meet and I don’t really want to think about it. All I know is that, in this moment, I like her.

Fun With Kik: Random Nothing

kik

The longest lasting group I’ve created on the messenger app KIK is a group for Studs and Femmes. A group filled with masculine leaning lesbians and bi women who adore femme lesbian and bi women and vice versa. At its height I had 50 members. That was really my goal- to fill the room. Only four or five members ever engaged in conversation at a time, but it was fun to be a part of.

The group went through three waves. The first wave included some very extroverted members. One was a stud who basically came in and ran the room. I was even intimidated by her. She made ever person I added after her feel special which was a plus. She flirted, but she also like to play them against each other. She actually had women in the group pining for her attention and they would throw shade at each other if they weren’t getting it. It was wild.

There was one young chick (19) who fell hard for her. The stud played with her and would pull me and another member into a private group to make fun of her and a few of the other members. I didn’t like that because I knew they were doing the same thing to me. I didn’t like the direction the group was going. It became a very negative space and I noticed that members were afraid to talk or were trying to gain the studs favor. I all but abandoned it.

I’d planned on starting another group. I already had a starting line up. I went back and forth. This was MY group. Why was I leaving? I added the line up to the group. This did not make the stud and a few of her followers happy. They decided to make a scene and leave. She texted me laughing. I stayed calm and let her know that I was glad she and her partners left and I wished her the best of luck. She asked if we could stay friends.

“Nah, I’m good.” I told her.

Thanks was that.

The second wave was bit cooler. The earthy, laid back intellectual type. The conversations were better. Deep. Meaningful. And just the right amount of slang was used. However, it was not without controversy.

Without knowing I’d added a member that used to date one of the already existing members. They were in the group together for a few weeks before anyone found out. the already existing member had started dating another already existing member. We found out the day she posted a picture of them at the beach together. Every one congratulated them and became hopeful that they too would meet someone. What we didn’t know is that there was an ulterior motive behind the posting of that picture.

One day the member who posted the picture started posting poetry. As the days went on the poetry got darker. After we didn’t hear from her for a few days another member asked about her and that’s when it all came out. The newest member of the group posted some screenshots of their text conversation. It was weird and uncomfortable.

The tone was very dark. She was blaming the new chick and had mentioned suicide. It turns out that the new chick and poetry girl were a thing at some point. But poetry girl was too unstable and volatile and the new chick could not handle it. It came out that poetry girl had posted the pic of her and the other girl she met in the group to make the new chick jealous. It didn’t and that fact coupled with the girl she met in group breaking up with her pushed her over the edge. We were all in shock. No one knew what to say after that. They all ended up leaving.

During that second wave I added a member who I myself was interested in. She’s very pretty. But I thought it would be weird to hit on her since I was running the group and I definitely did not want another weird situation like the two previous ones. Plus when I added her she immediately got hit on a lot. I couldn’t compete with those who had her in their sights. I retreated to my position as the shrinking violet.

As time went on the group slowly died. We had forty five members, but only two or three ever talked. Even though, she was still a member, the pretty girl never said anything. I assumed she met someone and forgotten she was in the group.

A week ago the pretty girl reappeared. I didn’t even think about trying. I’d added a gorgeous married chick who immediately went after her. At this point I had posted a personal ad. One day I checked my KIK and I had a message from the pretty girl. I thought she was asking me a question about the group, but no. She’d read my ad. I played coy. We exchanged a few messages. She sent me a pic and I sent her one. No response. Two days later no response. Great my face scared her away. Sigh.

I deleted the messages and tried not to think about her. I felt it was strange that she did not respond to me. She was still in the group and from the conversations I saw of hers in the group, she didn’t seem like the type who would just ghost.

Last night I received a message from the pretty girl. She told me that her phone had been stolen. I believed her. I told her that the group was on death’s door, and I’d started another one and asked if she was interested in joining. I fought with myself about telling her. I’d finally had a chance to get to know her without prying eyes and here I am throwing her into the lions den.

“What if I am interested in you? What group is that?” she quipped.

I was not expecting that. I think I’m going to see where this goes.

 

 

 

Cynthia

She did it. Not once. But twice. I let her back in. I drank the kool-aid and I ended up getting burned twice. Sigh. Cynthia. Why do I even bother?

redflag

In my last post I mentioned a ghost that found her way back into my mind. She wanted to go to a strip bar last week. Of course when I messaged to confirm, she said I should have messaged earlier because she could not make it. Excuse.

She called me that night. We talked. She had been drinking. I should have known then, but I was swept away in fantasy by that damn accent of hers. She wanted to meet for lunch the next day. I wanted to sleep, but I gave in. I texted close to lunch time that morning. No response. I called. Ignored. I sent her a few texts letting her know that she hurt my feelings. No response.

This past Wednesday morning around 4am, I received a message from her. No apology. Just a picture of the restaurant she wanted to go to. I kept my answers short and to the point- “no”.

She’s an alcoholic.

It took minute, but I see that I’m person she calls on when she’s had one too many drinks and she needs let out her woes. She has no use for me when she’s sober.

I’ve learned that- she and her boyfriend, the cheating drug dealer, broke up. The deal she had to buy a new house fell through and now she is living month to month in an apartment she cannot afford on her own. To make ends meet she is going to marry some dude from Hungary for $35,000 so he can get a green card. She has a friend who transitioned from male to female who thinks she’s in love with her and an emotional mess most of the time. She also started going to AA and it’s not working because she goes to a bar right after.

It’s red flag central. I wish it were different because I really do like her, but I also like being somewhat free of any drama in my life and from our two phone calls I see that she is nothing but.

He Knows

Wednesday of last week I had lunch with another woman that I have been talking to. She also has a long term live in boyfriend and four kids. The difference between this woman and the last, is that her boyfriend is aware of the situation and he is fine with it. I prefer that. It means this can be more of a friendly type arrangement. We can go out and not worry about “getting caught”.

The first time we spoke it was after she’d had a few drinks. From the moment I answered the call she talked. The first thing she told me was that she had a colonoscopy earlier that day. She went into how the appointment went and how she was feeling at that moment. I was pretty sure after that we would not speak again. I don’t like talking about stuff like that. But as the conversation continued, she opened up about a lot of things. Problems with her boyfriend, her kids, her husband’s death, her job, only living in the country for three years. I figured that maybe it was the wine.

I know when you’re getting to know someone, some people consider it bad form to be that open upon first meeting. I, however, like it. Just like the woman before her, she shared with me a lot about her life. I love hearing about lives different than my own.

Thankfully, we both have the same day of the week off. She asked to meet for lunch. I agreed. She picked me up. When I saw her, before I even got in the car I said to myself, “Damn, she’s beautiful.” And I immediately took myself out of the game. I was going to have lunch and then go home and be miserable. We chose a chain place- bad expensive food, but the company was nice.

On the phone she has a very mellow way about her. And in person it’s no different. I can’t even imagine her being angry. We talked about random things. Life, her kids, the house she wants to buy. We didn’t discuss our whatever we were supposed to be doing. Becoming friends with benefits. That didn’t come up and honestly, I’m glad it didn’t. After lunch she wanted to hang out a little more. Good sign, eh? We went to look at a house she was interested in.

Afterwards she drove me home. I fucking hate the end of meetings. I never know what to do. I just awkwardly said good bye and got out of the car. We texted a little bit and that was that. I texted good morning a couple of days last week and got a “hey” as a response. I wanted to see her again, but fuck, if I could read the vibe after our meeting. I nutted up and asked her if she wanted to meet up again the next time our schedules allowed it. A few hours later and no response. I was a little bummed, but expected it.

I went on break and when I turned my phone on I had received a message from her.

“Yes. Call me.”

I called her and she was her usual mellow self and I was a little more chatty than usual. We couldn’t talk long because I was at work.

I’m really hoping that even if we don’t connect on a sexual level, we will connect on a friendly level. She seems really cool.