…headed to the lamp post

And here’s where it starts to end.

narnia

My conversation with her has been progressing. She asked me the other night about my background. The damn that had been holding back things that should have been talked about during our first few exchanges burst. I kept it brief, but I said a lot. She seemed excited to know more about me.

This morning I sent her a video. Not what you’re thinking. Just saying hello. It was cute. She responded positively. She asked me more questions. I revealed my crush on her. She asked me if she was the only one. I admitted that she was, however…

I let her know that I still ran a lesbian friends with benefits group on kik.

“I’m fine with it as long as you are honest.”

Then she asked me if she could join. Sigh. I want her in the group because I know it’s the right thing to do and I don’t have anything to hide, but I worry about other people possibly flirting with her. That would bother me.

Hello, insecurity.

 

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Her

We met online through the lesbian dating app, Her, a little over a month ago. I didn’t expect it to lead to anything, yet here I am dreaming of building a life with her.

One moment we were trying to resolve a misunderstanding that stemmed from not knowing what we were to each other and the next moment we were making our relationship unquestionably official.

She is my girlfriend and I her’s.

That’s one of the many things I like so much about her- there aren’t any gray areas.

She wasn’t afraid to tell me that she was looking for a long term relationship and if I was looking for anything other than that I could bounce.

We have not met yet. We’re in sort of a long distance situation. An hour and thirteen minutes apart by car according to Google Maps.

“Not so far.” she said.

“Not bad at all.” I told her. “I love road trips.”

We have talked on the phone a handful of times. She’s Dutch and has an accent. That coupled with the sound of her voice makes me smile uncontrallably every time I hear it. 

I can’t wait to meet her. She runs her own business and I work an overnight schedule. Both of our jobs become busier around the holidays, so neither one of us knows for sure if the planets will align in the next month and allow us to meet.

I hope so, but I’m ok with waiting.

Aaaannnddd I’m Back

Have I really not posted anything since August? Yikes. Where did I leave off? I think I was trying to navigate the world of casual sex. Yea, that didn’t work out and I gave up. Am not cut out for it.

I was also wallowing in depression, junk food and laziness. It was a hazy couple of months. But I’m doing better.

I celebrated one year since I moved back home November 1st. I was converted from temp to full time employee at the job I’ve been temping at for a year. I am living in my dream apartment. 

I’ve started exercising and trying to eat healthier. And the most surprising thing is that I’m in a the early stages of budding romantic relationship.

I’m allowing myself to be cautiously optimistic . 

9 Days

It’s been 9 days since my first official casual hook up with a woman. I have not heard from her. I’m ok with that. I did text to say “hello” a few days in, but received no response. I don’t feel good about it, but I also don’t feel bad about it. Well, not my usual bad anyway.

I’ve given our meeting a lot of thought. I’ve gone over what I liked. What I didn’t like and what I would change going forward. Again, my biggest fear is getting emotionally attached or trying to form some sort of relationship outside of sex with these women. Trying to accept that sometimes it’s going to be a one time thing. We will have sex and I will never hear from the woman again. That’s fine. It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me. In this case, she has a long term boyfriend and four kids. That makes it easier. Less complicated. You know, unless the guy finds out.

The sex was ok. Not my best at all. When she told me she didn’t think she would cum, that kind of zapped the passion right out of me. I didn’t even want to try after that. I’ve been with a woman who did not have an orgasm with me, but she never told me she didn’t think it would happen. We still had fun.

This was a frantic meeting. It was her first time with a woman and she had all these fantasies and we didn’t have a lot of time so she wanted to do as much as she could. Things you see in porn are not always easy to pull off in real life. She also kept switching the feminine and masculine roles. I like playing masculine only, even if it’s submissive. I can’t be feminine. I was surprised at just how uncomfortable I was with it. It just felt weird.

The kissing was better than it was with the last woman I was with. The last one didn’t move her head at all. This one moved it too much. It was all over the place. I gave up a few times. Also she had facial stubble. Not a beard, but a patch of stubble. That caught me off guard. I’ve never felt that on a woman before. Not on the face anyway. That also knocked the passion down a notch.  I know I’m headed towards that some day. I’ll pluck as long as I can.

I did love how excited she was. She really made me feel wanted. We paid each other a lot of compliments, but I don’t think we are sexually compatible. At first I thought it was because of the orgasm comment, but it’s not. I think for her situation she needs a woman with a higher level of freaky in them. Someone who is really dominant and I’m just not. I’m not ashamed to admit it, I’m pretty vanilla. I’m a slow groove kind of person. I love to take my time. It could be a while before my clothes are completely off. Kissing is very important. My favorite part of the whole experience was when we sat on my sofa and talked before sex and after sex when she asked me to hold her.

vanillahaagendazs

I think I’m going to continue on this casual sex, friends with benefits journey. This was interesting. It was exciting. It was fun. The good outweighed the awkward and I dodged getting emotionally attached. Thank, Jeebus.

 

 

fun with kik

I always thought kik was for teenagers. It probably is, but thanks to perusing craigslist ads I have discovered that a lot of adults use it too. I started a kik account and attached my kik name to my post. I received a response from a woman that was one or two words. I played along for a little while thinking at some point she would surprise me with a complete sentence. She didn’t.

Once it got to the point where I felt like my head was going to explode, I told her that the conversation sucked (I put it a little nicer than that, but that was how I felt). Her response was to send me a picture of her tits. I thanked her and once again reiterated that I was not interested. I told her that even though I thought her tits were nice, I was looking for good conversation. Her response to that was to send me a picture of her pussy. She kept sending me suggestive pictures. I asked her if she was looking for a fuck buddy. She said yes. I told her that I was not interested in that and asked her to stop sending me pictures.

Fuck my luck. Now, if I were looking for a fuck buddy there is no way I would have ever gotten that lucky.

picky

I am way too picky for someone with my looks.

Yesterday, I received an email from someone I had been talking to in a dating type way a couple of months ago. She sent me one of those “I just wanted to check in on you” emails. I didn’t mind. I thought it was rather nice. We were supposed to meet for  a date…twice. She flaked…twice. There was not going to be a third. I wished her luck.

She sent a picture to me during the ending texts. I felt relieved because I did not find her attractive at all, so our not meeting saved me a few hours of pretending. She looked old. We’re the same age. Well, I’m actually a few months older than her, but she looks way older than me and I look old. She was wearing shades and she had old lady hands. I was not upset about that one at all.

I also won’t date anyone larger than me. 150lbs is my limit. I tried it, but didn’t like it. I was going with this one chick last year who was fatter than me. She was about 5’1 and over 200lbs. “Give it a chance.” I told myself. “Stop being so picky.” I told myself. “You like talking to her. Who cares about weight?” I asked myself. Apparently, I do. I hadn’t even realized that all of the women I had dated were smaller than me.

When we hugged I couldn’t get my arms around her. When I back hugged her and went to put my hand in her panties to feel around I couldn’t get to her pussy because her tummy was in the way. I tried lifting it, but just couldn’t get to it. That had never happened before. I didn’t know what to do. I remember her laying on me our first night together. I couldn’t breathe. I felt bad for the women I had been with. And when we spooned I couldn’t really maneuver to finger her from that position. It was one of my favorites.

Going down on her was okay, but I remember looking up and only being able to see the mountain of flesh that was her stomach. I couldn’t see her face at all. With other girls I could look up and see them playing with their tits or something. See the expression on their faces. I fought with myself to get it out of my head, but I didn’t like it at all.

Also her lips were so thin and she was a terrible kisser. She never moved her head. It just stayed tilted in that one position. This woman was 36 years old! She had been in a relationship for nearly 10 years yet, she kissed like someone who had never done it before. I remember the first night we kissed, I kept going in for more kisses because I was trying to get a feel for her. Later that night she said that was the first time anyone had tried to kiss her more than once. Oh my god I had to contain my laughter. I wanted to say, “No one has ever gone back because you are God awful at it.” Geez.

The last night we were together I remember her going to her closet for something and that was the first time I had a really good view of her. Yikes! She was wearing granny panties and holy shit did she look fat. She was on her knees rooting around in her closet for something and I was cringing the whole time. It was awful.

pickypickypicky

Well, the top half is accurate.

I have dismissed for almost anything: I don’t like their name. They’re too fat. Too skinny. Hair too short. Too long. I don’t like their voice. They have blue eyes. They’re blonde. Their nose looks too pointy. Their eyes are too big. They look too manly. They wear too much make up. Their lips are too thin. Their lips are too thick. Their skin is too dark. Their skin is too pale. They send me a picture of them doing one of those bathroom poses with their butts sticking out and their leg bent. They are doing duck lips in a picture. They wear mom jeans. They use the word “literally”. They use the word “like” more than once in ten minutes. They text in abbreviations. *shudder* Their eyebrows are not on point.The list goes on.

I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.