fun with kik: nail in the coffin

And just like that my kik chat room is no more. I said my farewell and removed everyone. This happened a couple of weeks ago and I feel much better about it. I loved the  middle part when we had found a groove, but we as humans can’t stand to leave things nice.

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fun with kik:no more fun with kik

My kik chat for lesbian and bi women looking for friends with benefits is dead. It couldn’t survive the HIV scare.  Sad, really. It was a good chat room.

It all blew up one morning when the woman who was sleeping with the woman who claimed to have HIV told the entire room what happened. Everyone panicked. There were many pitchforks waving around. We were all very angry. Everyone got their feelings out.

I contacted the woman with HIV. She said she made the whole thing up because she didn’t know how else to end it with the woman she had been sleeping with. She said it was her friends bad idea to use one of the scariest, deadliest STDs known to man to get out of a situation. What. The. Fuck.It was crazy and I was furious. Furious because I had cried over the thought of her actually having HIV and her kids having to live with a mother who is living with that disease. Not to mention putting an innocent woman through such a scare. It was a nightmare.

I’m going to sound horrible from this point on…

She was gone and over the next few days the room became a support group. It sucked so bad. I felt bad for the woman that had to deal with this scare, but jeesum crow, I got tired of hearing about it after the woman who claimed to have the disease was bounced from the room. But she brought it up at every turn. Even in the new room I’d created to catch the overflow of members who couldn’t get into the original room because it was full. I got sick of it. Of her. It was annoying.

Every time we’d start a conversation, she’d have to shoehorn in her dilemma. Even going so far as to post her test results. The fuck? This is not what the room was for.

To make matters worse one of the other members found out she was pregnant then the room became about that. Every fucking post about how she was dealing with morning sickness or gas or throwing up or pooping. What is sexy about that? What in the hell happened to my group? Pregnancy and HIV?

No. No. No. This. No. This was terrible. I hated it. I couldn’t take it, so I told everyone that I was leaving, but would leave the group open for those who wanted to stay. After I left, a few of the other big players bounced as well.

It was a good idea and for a week we had a pretty good run, but it became too much. It was no longer fun. And then people complained about how it was no longer fun. No shit. Look at what was being talked about over the past few days. How do you transition from talking about HIV to something sexy. You can’t. You just feel bummed out.

I’m considering going back to my room. There are a few stragglers who are trying to keep the room alive, but there are going to have to be some changes made. I can’t go back to it being so fucking serious.

 

 

 

fun with kik: secrets and lies

It’s been a rough week in my kik group. Started with me and the woman I was kinda involved with bringing drama. Then the best friend of a member died back in their home country. The member was devastated about it. Then last night, one of the women revealed that she’d met her husband’s girlfriend whom she’d only found out existed the night before. It was total mess. That was all child’s play compared to the atomic bomb that was placed in my lap earlier this morning.

“Is she really that important?”

Was the question a new member asked last week when a senior member *Karen* chose to leave because I’d removed another member from the group because I thought it was a guy. She became upset with me when I refused her request to re-add the member without proof that she was in fact a woman.

“She is fun, funny and keeps the group in stitches laughing so hard.

She will always be welcome here.”

That was my response to the new member. And it’s all true. Had it not been for this member, we’d still be stuck in an awkward loop of pleasantries. We wouldn’t know anything about each other. She is great at getting people to feel comfortable.  That’s what makes what I found out tonight even more upsetting

“I have something to tell you.”

Read the text I received in the wee hours this morning in a private message from one of the members, *Alice*.

“Nothing bad, I hope”

Was my response.Knowing I was asking too much, I steeled myself.

“I wish it wasn’t”

*Alice* wrote back.

“I don’t even know how to tell you this.”

She continued.

jupiter

I put myself in break and waited for her messages. *Alice* told me that she and *Karen* had been seeing each other. I knew about this. She didn’t know that I knew, but *Karen* told me in confidence about it a while ago. I wish it ended there, but it didn’t. She told me that she went to the ER earlier last week for some kind of break out. My heart sank. With the herpes thing from the liar I’d been dealing with still fresh in my mind, I immediately thought that was it. I heard the first flare up can be pretty bad. That wasn’t it.

She told me that what she’d had an allergic reaction to something, but while she was in the ER they gave her a rapid HIV test. Thankfully, it came back negative. She also told me that *Karen” had told her last night that she is HIV positive and she’s known she’s been positive for six years.

Oh God, why couldn’t it have been herpes?

The bombs kept coming. *Alice* told me that *Karen* said that she hadn’t planned on telling her, but her best friend’s death last week prompted her to. Wow.  I asked *Alice* if that was how the friend died. She confirmed that *Karen’s* friend had died of AIDS. Fuck.

I feel horrible. I am so scared and worried for *Alice*. I can only imagine the horror she is dealing with right now. Not being 100% sure. She said they used protection. I pray it was enough. I’m leaving what to do with “Karen* being in the group up to *Alice*.

saturn

I am furious with *Karen*, but at the same time my heart breaks for her. In the short time that I’ve known her, I have grown to care for her quite a bit. She did the impossible- made me comfortable enough to speak in a crowd and not fear what type of response I would get. I will never forget that. I think of this tragic news and recall a picture *Karen* once posted of her two little kids and a flood of tears rush to my eyes. Having lost my dear aunt to it, I know what AIDS does to a person.

*Alice* told me that everyone in “Karen’s* home country new that she had HIV. That’s why she left. To come here for meds, treatment and a new start. I can’t imagine how lonely it must be and it’s somewhat comforting knowing that HIV isn’t the death sentence it used it be, but what *Karen* did is inexcusable. I am not ok with it at all. She knowingly, willingly put someone’s life at risk. I’m not sure what to do.

*Alice* and I have been chatting quite a bit about how to handle this. She’s as lost as I am. Understandably, she doesn’t want anything else to do with “Karen*, but feels sorry for her at the same time.  We don’t want her exposing anyone else to what she has. The fact that she told *Alice* that she wasn’t planning on telling her anything horrifies me. Who knows who else she has been keeping this from? She flirts with everyone in the group.

Fuck.

pluto

future. future? future :)

“Good morning future.”

That was the text I received this morning from the woman I’ve been chatting up these past few weeks. She doesn’t say a lot in text, but when she does…man.

Butterflies were released in my tummy when I read that.

We had a phone call today. This was the first time we’ve spoken on the phone since we “met”. Her voice is lovely. I wanted to talk longer, but she was at work and had to get back to it. She texted me a little later in the day to talk, but I was already asleep.

I still don’t know what to think. I’m holding myself back from jumping ahead. I make that mistake so much. Although, i want to, but I’m scared. I do take comfort in the fact that she is looking forward. I’m not getting a bunch of wishy-washy, we’ll see what happens type responses from her.

We’re supposed to meet tomorrow. Doubt it’s going to happen. Not because I don’t want it to, but because I have to work. I’ll try for the day after. How could I not after she sent me this before she went to bed:

“Thinking of u.”

 

random thoughts: kik confusion

I started another kik group. I don’t know why I can’t stay away from that place. This group is for lesbian and bi women who are looking for fuck buddies. I posted in the casual section of craigslist because even though every personal section of craigslist seems to be filled with people looking for fuck buddies, this section is specifically designated for that purpose. I have 33 members. It started out poppin. People were excited. Flirting, posting naughty pics and gifs and talking about what they are looking for. Now it seems to have turned into everyone saying good morning and then prattling on about how boring their lives are. Myself included.

Wtf?

How did I let this happen again?

The other night someone brought up the current situation. It seems some of the women had been in a private chat with someone from the group and after pictures were exchanged the other person just stopped responding. Then they complained about how they could not meet any one.

“Maybe the attraction wasn’t there.” One of the members responded. Valid point, but why not just tell the person that?

That member who complained made a great point. I’ve already seen three times someone suggest a meeting and then the others make excuses about why they cannot attend. I really don’t know what the point of joining the group was.

They all found my ad through casual encounters on fucking craigslist. So why are we all being such prudes?

I don’t doubt the desires are real, but sometimes I think women like this just enjoy the thought of being with another woman, having other women flirt with them, but when it comes time to actually act on it, they retreat.

Most of the women in the group are bi and have male partners. I believe only three of them have actually been with another woman and I’m one of two actual lesbians in the group. So out of 33 women you have 5 women who have been with other women. I’m not understanding exactly what is going on.

On the upside it’s nice to know that I am not the only person who has problems meeting women. There are more than a few very attractive women in the group who have gotten ghosted on. I guess it’s not easy for any one.

 

 

Fun With Kik: Random Nothing

kik

The longest lasting group I’ve created on the messenger app KIK is a group for Studs and Femmes. A group filled with masculine leaning lesbians and bi women who adore femme lesbian and bi women and vice versa. At its height I had 50 members. That was really my goal- to fill the room. Only four or five members ever engaged in conversation at a time, but it was fun to be a part of.

The group went through three waves. The first wave included some very extroverted members. One was a stud who basically came in and ran the room. I was even intimidated by her. She made ever person I added after her feel special which was a plus. She flirted, but she also like to play them against each other. She actually had women in the group pining for her attention and they would throw shade at each other if they weren’t getting it. It was wild.

There was one young chick (19) who fell hard for her. The stud played with her and would pull me and another member into a private group to make fun of her and a few of the other members. I didn’t like that because I knew they were doing the same thing to me. I didn’t like the direction the group was going. It became a very negative space and I noticed that members were afraid to talk or were trying to gain the studs favor. I all but abandoned it.

I’d planned on starting another group. I already had a starting line up. I went back and forth. This was MY group. Why was I leaving? I added the line up to the group. This did not make the stud and a few of her followers happy. They decided to make a scene and leave. She texted me laughing. I stayed calm and let her know that I was glad she and her partners left and I wished her the best of luck. She asked if we could stay friends.

“Nah, I’m good.” I told her.

Thanks was that.

The second wave was bit cooler. The earthy, laid back intellectual type. The conversations were better. Deep. Meaningful. And just the right amount of slang was used. However, it was not without controversy.

Without knowing I’d added a member that used to date one of the already existing members. They were in the group together for a few weeks before anyone found out. the already existing member had started dating another already existing member. We found out the day she posted a picture of them at the beach together. Every one congratulated them and became hopeful that they too would meet someone. What we didn’t know is that there was an ulterior motive behind the posting of that picture.

One day the member who posted the picture started posting poetry. As the days went on the poetry got darker. After we didn’t hear from her for a few days another member asked about her and that’s when it all came out. The newest member of the group posted some screenshots of their text conversation. It was weird and uncomfortable.

The tone was very dark. She was blaming the new chick and had mentioned suicide. It turns out that the new chick and poetry girl were a thing at some point. But poetry girl was too unstable and volatile and the new chick could not handle it. It came out that poetry girl had posted the pic of her and the other girl she met in the group to make the new chick jealous. It didn’t and that fact coupled with the girl she met in group breaking up with her pushed her over the edge. We were all in shock. No one knew what to say after that. They all ended up leaving.

During that second wave I added a member who I myself was interested in. She’s very pretty. But I thought it would be weird to hit on her since I was running the group and I definitely did not want another weird situation like the two previous ones. Plus when I added her she immediately got hit on a lot. I couldn’t compete with those who had her in their sights. I retreated to my position as the shrinking violet.

As time went on the group slowly died. We had forty five members, but only two or three ever talked. Even though, she was still a member, the pretty girl never said anything. I assumed she met someone and forgotten she was in the group.

A week ago the pretty girl reappeared. I didn’t even think about trying. I’d added a gorgeous married chick who immediately went after her. At this point I had posted a personal ad. One day I checked my KIK and I had a message from the pretty girl. I thought she was asking me a question about the group, but no. She’d read my ad. I played coy. We exchanged a few messages. She sent me a pic and I sent her one. No response. Two days later no response. Great my face scared her away. Sigh.

I deleted the messages and tried not to think about her. I felt it was strange that she did not respond to me. She was still in the group and from the conversations I saw of hers in the group, she didn’t seem like the type who would just ghost.

Last night I received a message from the pretty girl. She told me that her phone had been stolen. I believed her. I told her that the group was on death’s door, and I’d started another one and asked if she was interested in joining. I fought with myself about telling her. I’d finally had a chance to get to know her without prying eyes and here I am throwing her into the lions den.

“What if I am interested in you? What group is that?” she quipped.

I was not expecting that. I think I’m going to see where this goes.

 

 

 

that was awkward

My adventures on craigslist and kik are going well. I’m getting one or two new people messaging me a day. One person messaged me yesterday and we had a rather awkward exchange.

It started with the typical getting to know you questions: where from, age, bf, gf, married, identify as, what are you looking for? She’s bi, married and looking for something casual. During our exchange I asked her if she had ever stepped out on her husband. She said kinda. I asked her to clarify. She said it was with a girl who lived with them at some point.

“That sounds like fun.” I responded thinking that she meant they would spend time fooling around while the husband was away. I watch too many movies.

Then she told me the woman was drunk and passed out and she put her to bed. “During sex?” I asked.

“No, she wasn’t into girls” she told me. I told her I misunderstood what she said. “I undressed her fully and put her to bed.” she continued. “So you’ve never been with a woman?” I asked. “I fingered her pussy.” she said. It hadn’t clicked with me yet what I was actually reading.

“Fingering her pussy sounds like sex.” I said. “Yes” she responded. At this point I’m like, but she just told me she had never had sex with a woman plus she said this woman was not into women. Fuck. It hit me.

“Did she know about it?” I asked.

“Never knew.” she said.

“That sounds like rape.” I told her.

Then she sent a sad face and told me she was not proud of it. What the fuck?

There are a few things going on in my mind about this. I wish I would have been more delicate about it instead of basically calling this woman a rapist. It was the first thing that popped into my head. I ended up apologizing.

The other thing I’m thinking is that this may be some guy living out his fantasy. I know it sounds far fetched, but it is craigslist and there are a lot of dudes who have fantasies like this and a lot of them are on craigslist. I get guys all the time posing as women who want to play out their fantasies as if they are the women taking advantage of other women.They always trip up and reveal themselves during the nine million questions I ask. I’m actually hoping that’s the case this time.

 

 

 

what a difference a few days make

I’ve written a few times about how I get turned off when women, well, anybody really,sends me naked or very suggestive pictures of themselves. I don’t feel there is anything wrong with naked or suggestive pictures, I like them, I do (only from women), but I just don’t want to receive them before I even know what the names are. I received two more last night. Nothing. They did nothing for me.

There was a point after it happened before last night when I started to think that maybe there is something wrong with me. Why didn’t things like this turn me on? I should be attracted to the female body, right? I am a lesbian after all.

I thought about my exes who sent me naked pics. My last ex would send me, well, not naked pics, but pretty suggestive ones and they both really turned me on. The difference was I had gotten to know them before they sent them. Even if we had not met yet, which was the case with the last ex, pics of her cleavage or legs would really get to me. It was hot!

I have been chatting with a woman for four day now. We’re trying to set up a casual sex situation. We both are up to it. Our conversations have been nice. I really have no idea what to do. I’m not a forward person, but this is all about sex so I’m trying to keep it to that. Yesterday I asked her about her “grooming” habits. She told me she would send me a pic to show me. That turned me on. I was excited. I was practically salivating at work thinking about seeing a picture of her pussy.

I was not disappointed.

Good grief. It was beautiful and her tits… Jesus. We’re supposed to meet on Friday. I hope it goes well.

terrible decisions

I received a response to my latest craigslist ad. It’s from a 30 year old Latina. She’s actually attractive to me. Our text exchanges were lightning fast. We hashed out what we were both looking for. I told her I’m pretty open at the moment. She told me she has a boyfriend whom she did not want knowing about her attraction to women.She’s looking for someone to help explore that side with.

She says she has been trying for a few years to meet a woman to have sex with, but most don’t believe she is actually a woman. I’m not sure that I do either which is why we will be meeting at a very public place. I usually don’t mess with women who are just looking to explore, but since I’m still on the fence on whether or not I want to pursue the relationship avenue, it will be nice to just play around and not worry about feelings and commitment and all that crap.

I am a little concerned because she has a boyfriend. I’ve been with a married person before, but I had no idea about the wife until after we’d already fucked. I felt terrible. I’ve never knowingly hooked up with an attached person. Honestly, I still want to have sex with her, I just don’t want to get my ass kicked by a jealous partner.

fun with kik 2.1

This post tacks onto the one I wrote yesterday about the woman I didn’t find attractive possibly rejecting me. That didn’t happen because I didn’t send a picture.

We chatted a bit and in between texts she would send a picture. It was not helping the situation. If anything, the more pictures she sent the worse it got. I could tell from her profile photo that she was an older lady. She has a short old lady body. You know the one where they are not fat, but also not skinny and have the skinny legs? She also has the classic older lesbian haircut. And she had a Rosie O’Donnell smile. Where it doesn’t look like she’s smiling, she’s just showing you her teeth? That kind of smile.

I tried to steer the conversation away from photos because they were not doing it for me. In one of the photos she looked like she was getting ready to attack the person taking the picture. Why would you send that to someone? She kept dropping hints that she was only looking for a hook-up. Whew! A way out.Then she sent me a picture of her in black lace panties with her legs spread. Yikes! I told her we were looking for different things and I got the hell out of that conversation. Felt like I was looking at someone’s grandma.

homerbleach

fun with kik 2

A woman started messaging me yesterday on Kik. Today she sent me a picture. Um. She’s not unattractive, but she is definitely not my type. I was thinking of sending her a pic, which I rarely ever do, in hopes that it will scare her off and I don’t have to fade. But then I was thinking, if I send the pic and she stops responding I will feel bad because a woman who is not my type found me unattractive. Yes, I know how fucked up that sounds.

Destined to be alone.

a tale of two profiles

I made my return to OkCupid a few days ago. I created two profiles: one for dating and one for casual sex. Why two? Because I don’t know what the fuck I want, and you get a scarlet letter for admitting that “hey, I’m also just down to fuck.” on a regular profile.

Considering my age, my race, and the fact that I am not attractive, I have received a decent amount of views and likes. Unfortunately, the messages I have received have been from women who are states away and I’m pretty sure two of them are bots.

For the dating profile I received a like from a woman today. I have no interest in her. She’s heavy. She has a kid. And she has “Christian and very serious about it” listed. She also had breathing as one of the things she could never do without. It irks me a tad when people take that question seriously. I always understood it to be playful. Of course you can’t do without breathing and water.

The casual sex profile has only gotten visitors. None of them have casual sex listed as something they are looking for so I’m not going to contact them.