fun with kik: nail in the coffin

And just like that my kik chat room is no more. I said my farewell and removed everyone. This happened a couple of weeks ago and I feel much better about it. I loved the  middle part when we had found a groove, but we as humans can’t stand to leave things nice.

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curiouser and curiouser. further down the rabbit hole i went

“Isn’t she married?” Hazel asked me during our conversation yesterday about the woman I’d been talking to who had secretly messaged her.

“Divorced.” I texted back and we went on with our conversation, but that question kept bouncing around in my head. Nagging at me. Begging me to dig for more information.

The next morning I messaged Hazel and asked if the woman told her that she was married. Hazel responded “Yes, she told me she was married.”

And now we have arrived at the changeover.

changeover

Fuck.

It all started to make sense.

How did I miss it?

Why did I never question things?

With the confusion anger started to creep in. I wasn’t upset about her flirting with people in the group. I wasn’t upset about her private messaging people. I wasn’t even upset about her telling me she was too overwhelmed to continue things with me. I was upset because she had spent two months lying to me. Two months trying to make me believe that she wanted to be more. Even going so far as to tell me she wanted us, at some point, to move closer together. She called me love and her future. Why?

And now I have all of these moments popping up that should have been red flags that are now only visible in hindsight.

curiouser

A couple of weeks ago she told me that her roommate’s fiance was moving into their apartment. She said they had an agreement of no men and since he was moving in, she and her kids were going to move out. I found it a bit suspect. I wondered why the roommate and her fiance didn’t move into their own apartment instead of forcing a woman and her three kids out, but I didn’t ask.

A day later she tells me that her ex-husband said she and the kids could move in with him for the time being until she found a place because rent was super high. At the time I thought it was a nice gesture and told her that. Looking back now I can see that it was just a way to cover her ass if I questioned why she was living with her ex-husband. Not bad. I see no cracks.

Phone calls. We never talked on the phone outside of mornings. Late mornings. After she was at work. It didn’t seem out of the ordinary to me. Especially with my overnight work schedule. When I first let her into my chat group she showed out and I ended up removing her. I thought I would let things cool off a bit and then try and talk to her the next day.

I called her earlier than we would normally talk and I got the one ring then straight to voice mail. I tried two more times and the same thing happened. The night before she dismissed me pretty coldly. I thought she may have blocked me. She ended up calling me around the normal time. I was still nursing my bruised ego and didn’t feel like talking. Eventually I did talk to her.

Of course now that I am thinking about it, the reason she probably didn’t answer is because she was with her husband. When I think about the excuse she made about why she did not answer my call let’s me know for sure that is exactly what happened.

She told me and I kid you not, that she has a special deal with her phone company where her phone only becomes active at a certain time of the day. I guess that time is always once she gets to work. C’mon now. Really? I didn’t buy it for a second. But I also didn’t think she was married. I thought maybe she was feeling silly about overreacting and blocking me so she made up some lame ass excuse. I didn’t question it.

After everything blew up yesterday I called her out on what I had learned. I couldn’t hold it in. The anger was building. I had been lied to and I did not like it. I sent her a text letting her know that I knew about her being married and that she had been contacting people in the group.

She denied it. “I’m not married, I’m separated.” she said “I’m divorcing.” she said. Now were dealing with technicalities. We had it out. She called me and said she wouldn’t text anyone she would call. I don’t know what she meant by that. I hung up on her. Then in text she switched and said she did flirt with people.

alicewonderland

Then the strangest thing happened. I told her that I wasn’t planning on following through with the relationship because she had herpes. Her response:

“I have herpes no I don’t.” and then she said “I have 3 kids wtf?” Does having herpes cause infertility? I know it might be risky, I’m sure people people with herpes can have babies. And couldn’t she have contracted herpes after she had a baby? She is not good at lying.

I then took a screen shot of her admitting to me that she has herpes. Her response:

“That’s not me.” She kept denying it even though the proof was right there.

At that point I was done. I didn’t know what kind of game she was playing, but if she was being serious, I hope she seeks some help. This was some crazy shit.

Something else struck me as rather strange. She told me early on that she was once engaged to her female lover and that the lover had been tragically murdered. The Dutch woman I met on the dating app HER had a similar story. Her lesbian fiance was also murdered. Another woman who contacted me on HER told me the a story about her father being murdered. What in the hell? Is this some thing in the lesbian scamming community?

I’m starting to wonder. Was this all just a scam? If so for what? I don’t get what the scam would be. The Dutch woman wanted money. That was obvious. This one doesn’t make sense. She never asked me for anything. Not even hinted that she needed anything. I really believe it was all about sex. But why contact me? Someone hundreds of miles away from you? She is in Miami. there are tons of women in my group that are from Miami who are looking for fuck buddies. I really don’t know what her end game would be.

simpsons-game

 

 

 

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fuck buddy

My first fuck buddy was a man. At the time I wasn’t familiar with the term “fuck buddy” but when I look back on that relationship that is exactly what he was and I’m fine with that. I met him on Adult Friend Finder. I was seeing someone else at the time who liked the idea of me being fucked by other men and writing him stories about it. That’s how I was introduced to AFF.

His name was Bob…maybe.

Our first meeting was at a Starbucks. The first time I had ever been to one. We chatted for a few moments then went to a cheap motel down the street. We fucked. We’d meet at that motel almost every weekend for three months. I liked Bob, but had no romantic feeling for him. I remember him telling me he loved me once. I couldn’t bring myself to say it back. I wasn’t even really turned on by him. Of course I came every time he went down on me, but I never approached like “man, I can’t wait to fuck him.” It was more like I was still trying to figure out why people like this so much.

I genuinely liked spending time with him. It was an escape from my life. A few hours locked away with someone I could share all of my secrets with was much needed at that time in my life. We’d have sex. Shower. Have sex again. Talk. Have sex again. Shower. Leave and go back to our lives. It was a great set up.

But it ended when I found out that he was married. I was paralyzed by guilt and the realization that if he is cheating on his wife with me, he might be fucking other women besides me as well. I made an appointment to get tested for stds that very afternoon.

Clean.

My next fuck buddy was a woman. My first. I lived in Baltimore she in New Jersey. We’d see each other every other weekend if our schedules allowed it. I’d drive or take the train to her place. From the second I walked through the door of her condo we were sexing. We’d go out and do other things, but we had sex the most. I barely ever slept there. Her sex drive was off the charts and mine wasn’t far behind. Like with Bob we would fit as many orgasms into our time together as we could then we would go back to our lives.

Perfect set up.

When I look back on it these two have been the most sexually fulfilling relationships I have ever had in my adult life. Even more fulfilling than the relationship I had with a girlfriend I lived with for almost three years. They were light and airy. No stress (except finding about Bob’s wife). They were where I felt most comfortable and free.

This is the kind of relationship I want at the current time. I love being by myself. I love coming home and it just being me in my apartment. I love being able to go and do whatever I please, whenever I please and not have to clear it with anyone. But on the weekends sometimes I wish there was someone. Someone I could cuddle up with and have intimate conversations with and once they leave it’s back to my reality.

I want that escape.

I want the intense sex and exploration.

hooksup

The woman I am currently lusting after seems as though she would be perfect. She lives almost three hours away and she has a husband. Her husband knows she is into women and lets her ‘play”. Zero chance of me developing feelings beyond the lust. She seems like the aggressive type which I love, but not too aggressive. I don’t think any whips and chains are going to be brought out.

I really need to get on asking her out before I miss my chance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…headed to the lamp post

And here’s where it starts to end.

narnia

My conversation with her has been progressing. She asked me the other night about my background. The damn that had been holding back things that should have been talked about during our first few exchanges burst. I kept it brief, but I said a lot. She seemed excited to know more about me.

This morning I sent her a video. Not what you’re thinking. Just saying hello. It was cute. She responded positively. She asked me more questions. I revealed my crush on her. She asked me if she was the only one. I admitted that she was, however…

I let her know that I still ran a lesbian friends with benefits group on kik.

“I’m fine with it as long as you are honest.”

Then she asked me if she could join. Sigh. I want her in the group because I know it’s the right thing to do and I don’t have anything to hide, but I worry about other people possibly flirting with her. That would bother me.

Hello, insecurity.

 

future. future? future :)

“Good morning future.”

That was the text I received this morning from the woman I’ve been chatting up these past few weeks. She doesn’t say a lot in text, but when she does…man.

Butterflies were released in my tummy when I read that.

We had a phone call today. This was the first time we’ve spoken on the phone since we “met”. Her voice is lovely. I wanted to talk longer, but she was at work and had to get back to it. She texted me a little later in the day to talk, but I was already asleep.

I still don’t know what to think. I’m holding myself back from jumping ahead. I make that mistake so much. Although, i want to, but I’m scared. I do take comfort in the fact that she is looking forward. I’m not getting a bunch of wishy-washy, we’ll see what happens type responses from her.

We’re supposed to meet tomorrow. Doubt it’s going to happen. Not because I don’t want it to, but because I have to work. I’ll try for the day after. How could I not after she sent me this before she went to bed:

“Thinking of u.”

 

rambling about random stuff on the last saturday of 2016

Not only the last Saturday of 2016, but the last day of 2016. It’s been a dark one in the entertainment world for sure. Losing so many people that I grew up watching or listening to has been unbelievable and very sad. For me, personally, the year has not been that bad.

Although, I’m still mourning the loss of my dear aunt last December and I no longer know how to sleep without taking drowsy pills, all in all, not one of my worse years.

I was hired on at a job that I like and working a schedule that I love. I saved up and purchased a motor scooter so I’ll have reliable transportation to and from work. My apartment is almost decorated the way I want it. I still have a lot to do, but for the most part, everything is ok.

simpsonsnewyear

I even started chatting up a woman I am genuinely interested in and who is interested in me. It’s been a slow build and I am thankful for that. The moment she told me she had a PS4 I was totally smitten.

“I need to catch my breath.” I told her.

“Why?” she asked.

I couldn’t help but gush. “Smart, funny, gorgeous, actually a lesbian, femme, and plays video games? In my circle that is a super rare combination.”

We’ve entered the pet name stage. Baby, sweetheart, love. Sigh.

She sent me a picture the other night of her all made up. Her lips are amazing. Lips are now the first thing I look at when I see a woman. I’d never thought about them before until I kissed a woman who had very thin lips. I did not enjoy that experience at all. And she was generally horrible at kissing so it was bad all around.

I’m not as anxious as I normally would be. I feel quite relaxed actually. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I know she is real. She exists. She not some weirdo posting fake pics on craigslist.

Something happened to her this past week where she had to make a pretty big decision. She told me about it, but because it took me so long to answer she though it scared me off. It did not. I was just unable to answer right away. I read it and answered. When I was able to finally to take in what she was telling me I realized that she had taken the time to consider how I would feel about it.

The way I saw it I didn’t think my feelings about the situation mattered at all, but she thought they did and I really appreciated that. That put any lingering doubt I had about her taking this seriously out of my mind. She told me straight up that she was hoping to establish something with me. I told her that I was hoping for the same.

It’s been difficult, especially with it being the holidays, trying to plan a meet up, but last night we set this upcoming Thursday as a tentative date to meet. I have no idea what we are going to do. Early on I suggested dinner and a movie. Classic. But I think we may keep it at a lunch. We both have odd schedules and she has responsibilities that I do not. Kids.

I’m looking forward to finally meeting her. I would like to feel some excitement, but the truth is I don’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve been down this path so many times and have become too cynical to get my hopes up that this will lead anywhere, but where it always leads- me getting ghosted on.

So I am going to just focus on and enjoy the time we spend together.

 

Aaaannnddd I’m Back

Have I really not posted anything since August? Yikes. Where did I leave off? I think I was trying to navigate the world of casual sex. Yea, that didn’t work out and I gave up. Am not cut out for it.

I was also wallowing in depression, junk food and laziness. It was a hazy couple of months. But I’m doing better.

I celebrated one year since I moved back home November 1st. I was converted from temp to full time employee at the job I’ve been temping at for a year. I am living in my dream apartment. 

I’ve started exercising and trying to eat healthier. And the most surprising thing is that I’m in a the early stages of budding romantic relationship.

I’m allowing myself to be cautiously optimistic . 

He Knows

Wednesday of last week I had lunch with another woman that I have been talking to. She also has a long term live in boyfriend and four kids. The difference between this woman and the last, is that her boyfriend is aware of the situation and he is fine with it. I prefer that. It means this can be more of a friendly type arrangement. We can go out and not worry about “getting caught”.

The first time we spoke it was after she’d had a few drinks. From the moment I answered the call she talked. The first thing she told me was that she had a colonoscopy earlier that day. She went into how the appointment went and how she was feeling at that moment. I was pretty sure after that we would not speak again. I don’t like talking about stuff like that. But as the conversation continued, she opened up about a lot of things. Problems with her boyfriend, her kids, her husband’s death, her job, only living in the country for three years. I figured that maybe it was the wine.

I know when you’re getting to know someone, some people consider it bad form to be that open upon first meeting. I, however, like it. Just like the woman before her, she shared with me a lot about her life. I love hearing about lives different than my own.

Thankfully, we both have the same day of the week off. She asked to meet for lunch. I agreed. She picked me up. When I saw her, before I even got in the car I said to myself, “Damn, she’s beautiful.” And I immediately took myself out of the game. I was going to have lunch and then go home and be miserable. We chose a chain place- bad expensive food, but the company was nice.

On the phone she has a very mellow way about her. And in person it’s no different. I can’t even imagine her being angry. We talked about random things. Life, her kids, the house she wants to buy. We didn’t discuss our whatever we were supposed to be doing. Becoming friends with benefits. That didn’t come up and honestly, I’m glad it didn’t. After lunch she wanted to hang out a little more. Good sign, eh? We went to look at a house she was interested in.

Afterwards she drove me home. I fucking hate the end of meetings. I never know what to do. I just awkwardly said good bye and got out of the car. We texted a little bit and that was that. I texted good morning a couple of days last week and got a “hey” as a response. I wanted to see her again, but fuck, if I could read the vibe after our meeting. I nutted up and asked her if she wanted to meet up again the next time our schedules allowed it. A few hours later and no response. I was a little bummed, but expected it.

I went on break and when I turned my phone on I had received a message from her.

“Yes. Call me.”

I called her and she was her usual mellow self and I was a little more chatty than usual. We couldn’t talk long because I was at work.

I’m really hoping that even if we don’t connect on a sexual level, we will connect on a friendly level. She seems really cool.

 

 

9 Days

It’s been 9 days since my first official casual hook up with a woman. I have not heard from her. I’m ok with that. I did text to say “hello” a few days in, but received no response. I don’t feel good about it, but I also don’t feel bad about it. Well, not my usual bad anyway.

I’ve given our meeting a lot of thought. I’ve gone over what I liked. What I didn’t like and what I would change going forward. Again, my biggest fear is getting emotionally attached or trying to form some sort of relationship outside of sex with these women. Trying to accept that sometimes it’s going to be a one time thing. We will have sex and I will never hear from the woman again. That’s fine. It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me. In this case, she has a long term boyfriend and four kids. That makes it easier. Less complicated. You know, unless the guy finds out.

The sex was ok. Not my best at all. When she told me she didn’t think she would cum, that kind of zapped the passion right out of me. I didn’t even want to try after that. I’ve been with a woman who did not have an orgasm with me, but she never told me she didn’t think it would happen. We still had fun.

This was a frantic meeting. It was her first time with a woman and she had all these fantasies and we didn’t have a lot of time so she wanted to do as much as she could. Things you see in porn are not always easy to pull off in real life. She also kept switching the feminine and masculine roles. I like playing masculine only, even if it’s submissive. I can’t be feminine. I was surprised at just how uncomfortable I was with it. It just felt weird.

The kissing was better than it was with the last woman I was with. The last one didn’t move her head at all. This one moved it too much. It was all over the place. I gave up a few times. Also she had facial stubble. Not a beard, but a patch of stubble. That caught me off guard. I’ve never felt that on a woman before. Not on the face anyway. That also knocked the passion down a notch.  I know I’m headed towards that some day. I’ll pluck as long as I can.

I did love how excited she was. She really made me feel wanted. We paid each other a lot of compliments, but I don’t think we are sexually compatible. At first I thought it was because of the orgasm comment, but it’s not. I think for her situation she needs a woman with a higher level of freaky in them. Someone who is really dominant and I’m just not. I’m not ashamed to admit it, I’m pretty vanilla. I’m a slow groove kind of person. I love to take my time. It could be a while before my clothes are completely off. Kissing is very important. My favorite part of the whole experience was when we sat on my sofa and talked before sex and after sex when she asked me to hold her.

vanillahaagendazs

I think I’m going to continue on this casual sex, friends with benefits journey. This was interesting. It was exciting. It was fun. The good outweighed the awkward and I dodged getting emotionally attached. Thank, Jeebus.

 

 

that was awkward

My adventures on craigslist and kik are going well. I’m getting one or two new people messaging me a day. One person messaged me yesterday and we had a rather awkward exchange.

It started with the typical getting to know you questions: where from, age, bf, gf, married, identify as, what are you looking for? She’s bi, married and looking for something casual. During our exchange I asked her if she had ever stepped out on her husband. She said kinda. I asked her to clarify. She said it was with a girl who lived with them at some point.

“That sounds like fun.” I responded thinking that she meant they would spend time fooling around while the husband was away. I watch too many movies.

Then she told me the woman was drunk and passed out and she put her to bed. “During sex?” I asked.

“No, she wasn’t into girls” she told me. I told her I misunderstood what she said. “I undressed her fully and put her to bed.” she continued. “So you’ve never been with a woman?” I asked. “I fingered her pussy.” she said. It hadn’t clicked with me yet what I was actually reading.

“Fingering her pussy sounds like sex.” I said. “Yes” she responded. At this point I’m like, but she just told me she had never had sex with a woman plus she said this woman was not into women. Fuck. It hit me.

“Did she know about it?” I asked.

“Never knew.” she said.

“That sounds like rape.” I told her.

Then she sent a sad face and told me she was not proud of it. What the fuck?

There are a few things going on in my mind about this. I wish I would have been more delicate about it instead of basically calling this woman a rapist. It was the first thing that popped into my head. I ended up apologizing.

The other thing I’m thinking is that this may be some guy living out his fantasy. I know it sounds far fetched, but it is craigslist and there are a lot of dudes who have fantasies like this and a lot of them are on craigslist. I get guys all the time posing as women who want to play out their fantasies as if they are the women taking advantage of other women.They always trip up and reveal themselves during the nine million questions I ask. I’m actually hoping that’s the case this time.

 

 

 

keep it chill

Catching feelings for a hook up is what scares me most about this new casual sex path that I have chosen. I seem to be having  hard time treating this possible meeting on Friday as sex only. I know we’re only meeting to have sex. That’s what I want, but I keep looking past that meeting at what might be. There is no might be. I’m almost 100% sure this is going to be a one off and I want to be fine with that.

what a difference a few days make

I’ve written a few times about how I get turned off when women, well, anybody really,sends me naked or very suggestive pictures of themselves. I don’t feel there is anything wrong with naked or suggestive pictures, I like them, I do (only from women), but I just don’t want to receive them before I even know what the names are. I received two more last night. Nothing. They did nothing for me.

There was a point after it happened before last night when I started to think that maybe there is something wrong with me. Why didn’t things like this turn me on? I should be attracted to the female body, right? I am a lesbian after all.

I thought about my exes who sent me naked pics. My last ex would send me, well, not naked pics, but pretty suggestive ones and they both really turned me on. The difference was I had gotten to know them before they sent them. Even if we had not met yet, which was the case with the last ex, pics of her cleavage or legs would really get to me. It was hot!

I have been chatting with a woman for four day now. We’re trying to set up a casual sex situation. We both are up to it. Our conversations have been nice. I really have no idea what to do. I’m not a forward person, but this is all about sex so I’m trying to keep it to that. Yesterday I asked her about her “grooming” habits. She told me she would send me a pic to show me. That turned me on. I was excited. I was practically salivating at work thinking about seeing a picture of her pussy.

I was not disappointed.

Good grief. It was beautiful and her tits… Jesus. We’re supposed to meet on Friday. I hope it goes well.