fat: here we go again

A couple of days ago I bought a really cool gray and blue raglan t-shirt with a NASA logo on the front. I got it in a men’s size medium which is what I normally get. I hesitated trying it on because I knew my tummy was going to be sticking out, but I tried it on any way.

Yikes!

Ugh.

Man.

ūüė¶

It wasn’t good. More horrible than I thought. I’ve never cared that much about my weight as far as being healthy or wanting people to be attracted to me. I do care about how clothes look on me. I want them to fit nicely. ¬†I’ve never been thin and don’t really care to be. I want to be at a weight where I feel comfortable. 180lbs is not it.¬†Seeing my stomach sticking out and the fat spilling out on my sides was startling.

Seeing that awfulness jolted me back into reality. I’ve gotten so friggin’ lazy. No drive. No motivation. I eat, take a sleeping pill and disappear into dreamland until it’s time for me to go to work.I have to get it together.

Where and how to start?

Well, I’ve done what I always do when I start feeling fat and a lack of motivation- make empty promises about losing weight and getting my life on track. I’m hoping this time I will find my groove and stick to it. I want to wear this shirt.

nasashirt

 

 

fun with kik: nail in the coffin

And just like that my kik chat room is no more. I said my farewell and removed everyone. This happened a couple of weeks ago and I feel much better about it.¬†I loved the ¬†middle part when we had found a groove, but we as humans can’t stand to leave things nice.

fun with kik:no more fun with kik

My kik chat for lesbian and bi women looking for friends with benefits is dead. It couldn’t survive the HIV scare. ¬†Sad, really. It was a good chat room.

It all blew up one morning when the woman who was sleeping with the woman who claimed to have HIV told the entire room what happened. Everyone panicked. There were many pitchforks waving around. We were all very angry. Everyone got their feelings out.

I contacted the woman with HIV. She said she made the whole thing up because she didn’t know how else to end it with the woman she had been sleeping with. She said it was her friends bad idea to use one of the scariest, deadliest STDs known to man to get out of a situation. What. The. Fuck.It was crazy and I was furious. Furious because I had cried over the thought of her actually having HIV and her kids having to live with a mother who is living with that disease. Not to mention putting an innocent woman through such a scare. It was a nightmare.

I’m going to sound horrible from this point on…

She was gone and over the next few days the room became a support group. It sucked so bad. I felt bad for the woman that had to deal with this scare, but jeesum crow, I got tired of hearing about it after the woman who claimed to have the disease was bounced from the room. But she brought it up at every turn. Even in the new room I’d created to catch the overflow of members who couldn’t get into the original room because it was full. I got sick of it. Of her. It was annoying.

Every time we’d start a conversation,¬†she’d have to shoehorn in her dilemma. Even going so far as to post her test results. The fuck? This is not what the room was for.

To make matters worse one of the other members found out she was pregnant then the room became about that. Every fucking post about how she was dealing with morning sickness or gas or throwing up or pooping. What is sexy about that? What in the hell happened to my group? Pregnancy and HIV?

No. No. No. This. No. This was terrible. I hated it. I couldn’t take it, so I told everyone that I was leaving, but would leave the group open for those who wanted to stay. After I left, a few of the other big players bounced as well.

It was a good idea and for a week we had a pretty good run, but it became too much. It was no longer fun. And then people complained about how it was no longer fun. No shit. Look at what was being talked about over the past few days. How do you transition from talking about HIV to something sexy. You can’t. You just feel bummed out.

I’m considering going back to my room. There are a few stragglers who are trying to keep the room alive, but there are going to have to be some changes made. I can’t go back to it being so fucking serious.

 

 

 

curiouser and curiouser. further down the rabbit hole i went

“Isn’t she married?” Hazel asked me during our conversation yesterday about the woman I’d been talking to who had secretly messaged her.

“Divorced.” I texted back and we went on with our conversation, but that question kept bouncing around in my head. Nagging at me. Begging me to dig for more information.

The next morning I messaged Hazel and asked if the woman told her that she was married. Hazel responded “Yes, she told me she was married.”

And now we have arrived at the changeover.

changeover

Fuck.

It all started to make sense.

How did I miss it?

Why did I never question things?

With the confusion anger started to creep in. I wasn’t upset about her flirting with people in the group. I wasn’t upset about her private messaging people. I wasn’t even upset about her telling me she was too overwhelmed to continue things with me. I was upset because she had spent two months lying to me. Two months trying to make me believe that she wanted to be more. Even going so far as to tell me she wanted us, at some point, to move closer together. She called me love and her future. Why?

And now I have all of these moments popping up that should have been red flags that are now only visible in hindsight.

curiouser

A couple of weeks ago she told me that her roommate’s fiance was moving into their apartment. She said they had an agreement of no men and since he was moving in, she and her kids were going to move out. I found it a bit suspect. I wondered why the roommate and her fiance didn’t move into their own apartment instead of forcing a woman and her three kids out, but I didn’t ask.

A day later she tells me that her ex-husband said she and the kids could move in with him for the time being until she found a place because rent was super high. At the time I thought it was a nice gesture and told her that. Looking back now I can see that it was just a way to cover her ass if I questioned why she was living with her ex-husband. Not bad. I see no cracks.

Phone calls. We never talked on the phone outside of mornings. Late mornings. After she was at work. It didn’t seem out of the ordinary to me. Especially with my overnight work schedule. When I first let her into my chat group she showed out and I ended up removing her. I thought I would let things cool off a bit and then try and talk to her the next day.

I called her earlier than we would normally talk and I got the one ring then straight to voice mail. I tried two more times and the same thing happened. The night before she dismissed me pretty coldly. I thought she may have blocked me. She ended up calling me around the normal time. I was still nursing my bruised ego and didn’t feel like talking. Eventually I did talk to her.

Of course now that I am thinking about it, the reason she probably didn’t answer is because she was with her husband. When I think about the excuse she made about why she did not answer my call let’s me know for sure that is exactly what happened.

She told me and I kid you not, that she has a special deal with her phone company where her phone only becomes active at a certain time of the day. I guess that time is always once she gets to work. C’mon now. Really? I didn’t buy it for a second. But I also didn’t think she was married. I thought maybe she was feeling silly about overreacting and blocking me so she made up some lame ass excuse. I didn’t question it.

After everything blew up yesterday I called her out on what I had learned. I couldn’t hold it in. The anger was building. I had been lied to and I did not like it. I sent her a text letting her know that I knew about her being married and that she had been contacting people in the group.

She denied it. “I’m not married, I’m separated.” she said “I’m divorcing.” she said. Now were dealing with technicalities. We had it out. She called me and said she wouldn’t text anyone she would call. I don’t know what she meant by that. I hung up on her. Then in text she switched and said she did flirt with people.

alicewonderland

Then the strangest thing happened. I told her that I wasn’t planning on following through with the relationship because she had herpes. Her response:

“I have herpes no I don’t.” and then she said “I have 3 kids wtf?” Does having herpes cause infertility? I know it might be risky, I’m sure people people with herpes can have babies. And couldn’t she have contracted herpes after she had a baby? She is not good at lying.

I then took a screen shot of her admitting to me that she has herpes. Her response:

“That’s not me.” She kept denying it even though the proof was right there.

At that point I was done. I didn’t know what kind of game she was playing, but if she was being serious, I hope she seeks some help. This was some crazy shit.

Something else struck me as rather strange. She told me early on that she was once engaged to her female lover and that the lover had been tragically murdered. The Dutch woman I met on the dating app HER had a similar story. Her lesbian fiance was also murdered. Another woman who contacted me on HER told me the a story about her father being murdered. What in the hell? Is this some thing in the lesbian scamming community?

I’m starting to wonder. Was this all just a scam? If so for what? I don’t get what the scam would be. The Dutch woman wanted money. That was obvious. This one doesn’t make sense. She never asked me for anything. Not even hinted that she needed anything. I really believe it was all about sex. But why contact me? Someone hundreds of miles away from you? She is in Miami. there are tons of women in my group that are from Miami who are looking for fuck buddies. I really don’t know what her end game would be.

simpsons-game

 

 

 

.

 

 

door closes. window opens…so i can jump out of it

Backing away from the lamp post.

It seems my time in the wardrobe has been extended.

This afternoon I awakened to find a text from the woman I’d been trying to date seriously. I’ve written about her a few times. Three kids, lives with her ex-husband and has herpes. That one. She sent a three paragraph text telling me that she is overwhelmed by what’s happening in her life at the moment and she wants to try and get it resolved blah, blah, blah. Basically, I received my walking papers.

heartbroke

“I completely understand. I hope everything gets better for you.” was my response.

Then I turned over and went back to sleep. I have not written anything to her since. This is a huge departure for me. Me a year ago, even with three kids, living with an ex-husband and herpes, would have begged her to change her mind. It would not have mattered if I didn’t have any feelings for her outside of friendly one, I would have wanted to be with her out of sheer desperation.

Having anything instead of nothing.

Nah, I’m good.

Well, with that out of the way, I was going to pursue a possible friend with benefits sans the guilt. Yes, the one I wrote about yesterday. The one who sent me pics of her gorgeous pillowy breasts and a video of her playing with her pussy. I composed the perfect text. It was short and to the point. Asking her straight out if she would like to meet up in the near future. Send…

Two hours later…

rejected

She blamed it on the distance. I told her I didn’t mind the drive. She said it’s too far. I didn’t really buy it as an excuse, but didn’t want to press.”Aw. I had to try.” I said and that was that. That one stung a bit. Mainly because, I guess I thought because she sent me the pics and videos she was interested. Women are confusing.

I revealed my rejection to the group. Not to gain sympathy or put her on blast (I never mentioned her name), but because the group had been so encouraging about me not being so shy and asking someone out, I thought they would get a giggle out of it.

One of the members, Hazel, messaged me privately and asked who it was. I have no problem going into details privately. I told her what happened with the earlier text. I gave her a little hint who it was and she guessed it straight away.

Hear’s the drop.

secrets

“She messaged me the other day…” Hazel wrote. She told me all about the text exchange between her and the woman I had been talking to. She was asking Hazel about her life and told her not to tell anyone she had contacted her. Hazel said the conversation died because the girl I had been talking to wasn’t her type. Interesting.

I told her about the fuck buddy as well. Hazel said she had also received a message from her asking to meet up. She said she doesn’t just meet up with someone to fuck and left it at that.

I feel weird. Bad, but not completely horrible. After the text this morning, it was like my brain kept searching for a reason for me to feel bad. Even trying to create one. It’s not there. I Being rejected…twice, sucks, but it’s not the end of the world. I’m happy I had someone to share these things with. Going it alone I know, would have been much worse.

What a day. A not so good day. Could all this have been the universe dealing out karma because I lusted after another woman? On the other hand I was spared from possibly contracting herpes so I guess it’s good? Or maybe in the words of wise old sage, Homer Simpson, “It’s just a bunch of stuff that happened.”

bulapakettle

 

 

 

 

fuck buddy

My first fuck buddy was a man. At the time I wasn’t familiar with the term “fuck buddy” but when I look back on that relationship that is exactly what he was and I’m fine with that. I met him on Adult Friend Finder. I was seeing someone else at the time who liked the idea of me being fucked by other men and writing him stories about it. That’s how I was introduced to AFF.

His name was Bob…maybe.

Our first meeting was at a¬†Starbucks. The first time I had ever been to one. We chatted for a few moments then went to a cheap motel down the street. We fucked. We’d meet at that motel almost every weekend for three months. I liked Bob, but had no romantic feeling for him. I remember him telling me he loved me once. I couldn’t bring myself to say it back. I wasn’t even really turned on by him. Of course I came every time he went down on me, but I never approached like “man, I can’t wait to fuck him.” It was more like I was still trying to figure out why people like this so much.

I genuinely liked¬†spending time with him. It was an escape from my life. A few hours locked away with someone I could share all of my secrets with was much needed at that time in my life. We’d have sex. Shower. Have sex again. Talk. Have sex again. Shower. Leave and go back to our lives. It was a great set up.

But it ended when I found out that he was married. I was paralyzed by guilt and the realization that if he is cheating on his wife with me, he might be fucking other women besides me as well. I made an appointment to get tested for stds that very afternoon.

Clean.

My next fuck buddy was a woman. My first. I lived in Baltimore she in New Jersey. We’d see each other every other weekend if our schedules allowed it. I’d drive or take the train to her place. From the second I walked through the door of her condo we were sexing. We’d go out and do other things, but we had sex the most. I barely ever slept there. Her sex drive was off the charts and mine wasn’t far behind. Like with Bob we would fit as many orgasms into our time together as we could then we would go back to our lives.

Perfect set up.

When I look back on it these two have been the most sexually fulfilling relationships I have ever had in my adult life. Even more fulfilling than the relationship I had with a girlfriend I lived with for almost three years. They were light and airy. No stress (except finding about Bob’s wife). They were where I felt most comfortable and free.

This is the kind of relationship I want at the current time. I love being by myself. I love coming home and it just being me in my apartment. I love being able to go and do whatever I please, whenever I please and not have to clear it with anyone. But on the weekends sometimes I wish there was someone. Someone I could cuddle up with and have intimate conversations with and once they leave it’s back to my reality.

I want that escape.

I want the intense sex and exploration.

hooksup

The woman I am currently lusting after seems as though she would be perfect. She lives almost three hours away and she has a husband. Her husband knows she is into women and lets her ‘play”. Zero chance of me developing feelings beyond the lust. She seems like the aggressive type which I love, but not too aggressive. I don’t think any whips and chains are going to be brought out.

I really need to get on asking her out before I miss my chance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

inching closer to the lamp post

In my chat group the subject of stds was brought up. Surprisingly by me. It sprung up from a comment I’d made about becoming¬†emotionally attached to¬†a fuck buddy being my second biggest fear. Contracting an std is the biggest.

After that fear was revealed, the woman I’d been trying to date seriously sent me a private message, asking me if the person I was seeing was the marrying type would I still date them if they had an std.

Oh man. This wasn’t going to be good. I told her it was something I would have to think about and asked her straight out if she had an std.

“Yes. I have herpes.”

And there is the drop. Dammit.

narnia

Chlamydia, crabs, gonorrhea, I can deal with. Hepatitis, herpes, HIV, I do not fuck with. Sorry. I¬†handled it as delicately as I could while still trying to be honest. It must have been a difficult thing to tell me. To tell anyone. She said she got it from her ex. She gave me an out by saying she would understand if I just wanted to be friends. It really didn’t help matters that the day before she had flaked on our meetup and we’d gotten into a little argument about it.

I really don’t know what to do. Kids, living with ex-husband and now herpes. And I’m an asshole because I’m lusting after someone else. This whole thing is a mess.

 

future. future? future :)

“Good morning future.”

That was the text I received this morning from the woman I’ve been chatting up these past few weeks. She doesn’t say a lot in text, but when she does…man.

Butterflies were released in my tummy when I read that.

We had a phone call today. This was the first time we’ve spoken on the phone since we “met”. Her voice is lovely. I wanted to talk longer, but she was at work and had to get back to it. She texted me a little later in the day to talk, but I was already asleep.

I still don’t know what to think. I’m holding myself back from jumping ahead. I make that mistake so much. Although, i want to, but I’m scared. I do take comfort in the fact that she is looking forward. I’m not getting a bunch of wishy-washy, we’ll see what happens type responses from her.

We’re supposed to meet tomorrow. Doubt it’s going to happen. Not because I don’t want it to, but because I have to work. I’ll try for the day after. How could I not after she sent me this before she went to bed:

“Thinking of u.”

 

rambling about random stuff on the last saturday of 2016

Not only the last Saturday of 2016, but the last day of 2016. It’s been a dark one in the entertainment world for sure. Losing¬†so many people that I grew up watching or listening to has been unbelievable and very sad. For me, personally, the year has not been that bad.

Although, I’m still mourning the loss of my dear aunt last December and I no longer know how to sleep without taking drowsy pills, all in all, not one of my worse years.

I was hired on at a job that I like and working a schedule that I love. I saved up and purchased a motor scooter so I’ll have reliable transportation to and from work. My apartment is almost decorated the way I want it. I still have a lot to do, but for the most part, everything is ok.

simpsonsnewyear

I even started chatting up¬†a woman I am genuinely interested in and who is interested in me. It’s been a slow build and I am thankful for that. The moment she told me she had a PS4 I was totally smitten.

“I need to catch my breath.” I told her.

“Why?” she asked.

I couldn’t help but gush. “Smart, funny, gorgeous, actually a lesbian, femme, and plays video games? In my circle that is a super rare combination.”

We’ve entered the pet name stage. Baby, sweetheart, love. Sigh.

She sent me a¬†picture the other night of her all made up. Her lips are amazing. Lips are now the first thing I look at when I see¬†a woman. I’d never thought about them before until I kissed a woman who had very thin lips. I¬†did not enjoy that experience at all. And she was generally horrible at kissing so it was bad all around.

I’m not as anxious as I normally would be. I feel quite relaxed actually. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I know she is real. She exists. She not some weirdo posting fake pics on craigslist.

Something happened to her this past week where she had to make a pretty big decision. She told me about it, but because it took me so long to answer she though it scared me off. It did not. I was just unable to answer right away. I read it and answered. When I was able to finally to take in what she was telling me I realized that she had taken the time to consider how I would feel about it.

The way I saw it I didn’t think my feelings¬†about the situation mattered at all, but she thought they did and I really appreciated that. That put any lingering doubt I had about her taking this seriously out of my mind. She told me straight up that she was hoping to establish something with me. I told her that I was hoping for the same.

It’s been difficult, especially with it being the holidays, trying to plan a meet up, but last night we set this upcoming Thursday as a tentative date to meet. I have no idea what we are going to do. Early on I suggested dinner and a movie. Classic. But I think we may keep it at a lunch. We both have odd schedules and she has responsibilities that I do not. Kids.

I’m looking forward to finally meeting her. I would like to feel some excitement, but the truth is I don’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve been down this path so many times and have¬†become too cynical to get my hopes up that this will lead anywhere, but where it always leads- me getting ghosted on.

So I am going to just focus on and enjoy the time we spend together.

 

Fun With Kik: Random Nothing

kik

The longest lasting group I’ve created on the messenger app KIK is a group for Studs and Femmes. A group filled with masculine leaning lesbians and bi women who adore femme lesbian and bi women and vice versa. At its height I had 50 members. That was really my goal- to fill the room. Only four or five members ever engaged in conversation at a time, but it was fun to be a part of.

The group went through three waves. The first wave included some very extroverted members. One was a stud who basically came in and ran the room. I was even intimidated by her. She made ever person I added after her feel special which was a plus. She flirted, but she also like to play them against each other. She actually had women in the group pining for her attention and they would throw shade at each other if they weren’t getting it. It was wild.

There was one young chick (19) who fell hard for her. The stud played with her and would pull me and another member into a private group to make fun of her and a few of the other members. I didn’t like that because I knew they were doing the same thing to me. I didn’t like the direction the group was going. It became a very negative space and I noticed that members were afraid to talk or were trying to gain the studs favor. I all but abandoned it.

I’d planned on starting another group. I already had a starting line up. I went back and forth. This was MY group. Why was I leaving? I added the line up to the group. This did not make the stud and a few of her followers happy. They decided to make a scene and leave. She texted me laughing. I stayed calm and let her know that I was glad she and her partners left and I wished her the best of luck. She asked if we could stay friends.

“Nah, I’m good.” I told her.

Thanks was that.

The second wave was bit cooler. The earthy, laid back intellectual type. The conversations were better. Deep. Meaningful. And just the right amount of slang was used. However, it was not without controversy.

Without knowing I’d added a member that used to date one of the already existing members. They were in the group together for a few weeks before anyone found out. the already existing member had started dating another already existing member. We found out the day she posted a picture of them at the beach together. Every one congratulated them and became hopeful that they too would meet someone. What we didn’t know is that there was an ulterior motive behind the posting of that picture.

One day the member who posted the picture started posting poetry. As the days went on the poetry got darker. After we didn’t hear from her for a few days another member asked about her and that’s when it all came out. The newest member of the group posted some screenshots of their text conversation. It was weird and uncomfortable.

The tone was very dark. She was blaming the new chick and had mentioned suicide. It turns out that the new chick and poetry girl were a thing at some point. But poetry girl was too unstable and volatile and the new chick could not handle it. It came out that poetry girl had posted the pic of her and the other girl she met in the group to make the new chick jealous. It didn’t and that fact coupled with the girl she met in group breaking up with her pushed her over the edge.¬†We were all in shock. No one knew what to say after that. They all ended up leaving.

During that second wave I added a member who I myself was interested in. She’s very pretty. But I thought it would be weird to hit on her since I was running the group and I definitely did not want another weird situation like the two previous ones. Plus when I added her she immediately got hit on a lot. I couldn’t compete with those who had her in their sights. I retreated to my position as the shrinking violet.

As time went on the group slowly died. We had forty five members, but only two or three ever talked. Even though, she was still a member, the pretty girl never said anything. I assumed she met someone and forgotten she was in the group.

A week ago the pretty girl reappeared. I didn’t even think about trying.¬†I’d added a gorgeous married chick who immediately went after her. At this point I had posted a personal ad. One day I checked my KIK and I had a message from the pretty girl. I thought she was asking me a question about the group, but no. She’d read my ad. I played coy. We exchanged a few messages. She sent me a pic and I sent her one. No response. Two days later no response. Great my face scared her away. Sigh.

I deleted the messages and tried not to think about her. I felt it was strange that she did not respond to me. She was still in the group and from the conversations I saw of hers in the group, she didn’t seem like the type who would just ghost.

Last night I received a message from the pretty girl. She told me that her phone had been stolen. I believed her. I told her that the group was on death’s door, and I’d started another one and asked if she was interested in joining. I fought with myself about telling her. I’d finally had a chance to get to know her without prying eyes and here I am throwing her into the lions den.

“What if I am interested in you? What group is that?” she quipped.

I was not expecting that. I think I’m going to see where this goes.

 

 

 

Ghosts

I’ll get into the aftermath of my last post another time.

For now, what’s on my mind is the phone conversation that wrapped up a little over an hour ago. I will try to get out as many thoughts as I can before my sleeping pill kicks in. I believe I have written about her before. Eh, I’m too lazy to go look at old posts and I’m not in the mood to cringe.

Anyway, I met her when I was going through the whole casual sex thing. We never met up for sex. Only messaged, talked on the phone and had lunch once. She has 4 kids and had a boyfriend. Her life got busy and I got tired of waiting so I let things die a quiet death. I was bummed. If nothing else I liked listening to her. That accent. But she had a boyfriend, kids and a lot going on. I didn’t want to compete with any of that.

A couple of months later I received a text out of nowhere. “Who’s this?” I was crushed. She didn’t even remember who I was. I wrote back,

“No one. Please delete my number. I’m sure we’re never going to meet up again.”

Ah. That fragile ego talking.

“Ok.” she responded. I thought that would be the end of it. I felt bad that I lashed out like that. I would think of her fleetingly. I’d try to say something bad about her to make myself not like her, but I couldn’t. I’d just smile and say I was being petty. After Thanksgiving I received another text from her. I got upset. Not at her, but at that weird situation I will I was going through.¬†I told her to stop messaging me.

Then the next day I woke up and  checked my phone and she had called me. I messaged her asking her why she called me. She genuinely did not know who I was. I started teasing her at that point and after a while she remembered who I was and we had a brief, but cool conversation. That was a week ago.

Tonight when I got home from work I had another text from her. I texted her back and asked a question. Then she called. That accent.

We talked. I mean she talked. I mainly giggled like a schoolgirl and listened. She told me that things didn’t work out with her boyfriend and that he had moved out. Funny, I didn’t feel anything. I feel like my response should have been “Yes! Time to strike!” But nah. I’m not setting myself up like that. She also told me that he had become uncomfortable with us talking so much and she ended up hiding my number under someone else’s name. Something happened with her phone, blah, blah, blah and that’s why she didn’t recognize my number.

We talked about a few other things. Surprisingly, she¬†remembered quite a bit about me. I really thought she didn’t know who I was. Then she said she wanted me to come over to her place. It was 4:30am. I’m was not going anywhere. I would have loved to see her and if she lived right around the corner I would have, but she lives too far away for me to be going anywhere at 4:30 in the morning.

Instead of just saying no and explaining why, I danced around the topic. She straight up called me out and I liked every second of it. She said she just gave me an opportunity to see her and I turned it down. True. She said I need to be more flexible. True. I live a very strict life and the truth is I have to mentally prepare myself to meet anyone. Although, I know I made the right decision, I still wish I would have gone. It was her turn to do the teasing.

She invited me out for tonight. I’m sure it’s not going to happen. I doubt we will actually talk at all today. She’s kind of flighty and I think she only hits me up when she drinks. I’ve kinda pushed the thought of anything ever happening between us or us ever actually seeing each other again out of my head. I will allow the texts and phone calls. If I even dare to hope for anything more I know it will end in disappointment and I am just not in a place to handle that right now.

 

Aaaannnddd I’m Back

Have I really not posted anything since August? Yikes. Where did I leave off? I think I was trying to navigate the world of casual sex. Yea, that didn’t work out and I gave up. Am not cut out for it.

I was also wallowing in depression, junk food and laziness. It was a hazy couple of months. But I’m doing better.

I celebrated one year since I moved back home November 1st. I was converted from temp to full time employee at the job I’ve been temping at for a year. I am living in my dream apartment. 

I’ve started exercising and trying to eat healthier. And the most surprising thing is that I’m in a the early stages of budding romantic relationship.

I’m allowing myself to be cautiously optimistic .