inching closer to the lamp post

In my chat group the subject of stds was brought up. Surprisingly by me. It sprung up from a comment I’d made about becoming emotionally attached to a fuck buddy being my second biggest fear. Contracting an std is the biggest.

After that fear was revealed, the woman I’d been trying to date seriously sent me a private message, asking me if the person I was seeing was the marrying type would I still date them if they had an std.

Oh man. This wasn’t going to be good. I told her it was something I would have to think about and asked her straight out if she had an std.

“Yes. I have herpes.”

And there is the drop. Dammit.

narnia

Chlamydia, crabs, gonorrhea, I can deal with. Hepatitis, herpes, HIV, I do not fuck with. Sorry. I handled it as delicately as I could while still trying to be honest. It must have been a difficult thing to tell me. To tell anyone. She said she got it from her ex. She gave me an out by saying she would understand if I just wanted to be friends. It really didn’t help matters that the day before she had flaked on our meetup and we’d gotten into a little argument about it.

I really don’t know what to do. Kids, living with ex-husband and now herpes. And I’m an asshole because I’m lusting after someone else. This whole thing is a mess.

 

i like her

We spoke again yesterday. The topics were comic books and superhero movies. She likes both Marvel and DC. She couldn’t see, but I had a dreamy smile on my face the entire time we were talking. It seems like such a small thing to be so hyped over, but it made me so happy. She likes video games, comic books, and super heroes movies. So far, very good.

She sent me a nice quote the other night. It was a beautiful quote about how I make her feel. I responded in kind. I feel myself falling. Slower than usual and that is a good thing. I don’t want to rush this. I want us to take our time. To be sure. The distance helps with that.

I’m sure if she lived closer things would be different. I would have already met her and probably fallen in love thus ruining things. I tend to do that.

I don’t know what is going to happen after we meet and I don’t really want to think about it. All I know is that, in this moment, I like her.

future. future? future :)

“Good morning future.”

That was the text I received this morning from the woman I’ve been chatting up these past few weeks. She doesn’t say a lot in text, but when she does…man.

Butterflies were released in my tummy when I read that.

We had a phone call today. This was the first time we’ve spoken on the phone since we “met”. Her voice is lovely. I wanted to talk longer, but she was at work and had to get back to it. She texted me a little later in the day to talk, but I was already asleep.

I still don’t know what to think. I’m holding myself back from jumping ahead. I make that mistake so much. Although, i want to, but I’m scared. I do take comfort in the fact that she is looking forward. I’m not getting a bunch of wishy-washy, we’ll see what happens type responses from her.

We’re supposed to meet tomorrow. Doubt it’s going to happen. Not because I don’t want it to, but because I have to work. I’ll try for the day after. How could I not after she sent me this before she went to bed:

“Thinking of u.”

 

rambling about random stuff on the last saturday of 2016

Not only the last Saturday of 2016, but the last day of 2016. It’s been a dark one in the entertainment world for sure. Losing so many people that I grew up watching or listening to has been unbelievable and very sad. For me, personally, the year has not been that bad.

Although, I’m still mourning the loss of my dear aunt last December and I no longer know how to sleep without taking drowsy pills, all in all, not one of my worse years.

I was hired on at a job that I like and working a schedule that I love. I saved up and purchased a motor scooter so I’ll have reliable transportation to and from work. My apartment is almost decorated the way I want it. I still have a lot to do, but for the most part, everything is ok.

simpsonsnewyear

I even started chatting up a woman I am genuinely interested in and who is interested in me. It’s been a slow build and I am thankful for that. The moment she told me she had a PS4 I was totally smitten.

“I need to catch my breath.” I told her.

“Why?” she asked.

I couldn’t help but gush. “Smart, funny, gorgeous, actually a lesbian, femme, and plays video games? In my circle that is a super rare combination.”

We’ve entered the pet name stage. Baby, sweetheart, love. Sigh.

She sent me a picture the other night of her all made up. Her lips are amazing. Lips are now the first thing I look at when I see a woman. I’d never thought about them before until I kissed a woman who had very thin lips. I did not enjoy that experience at all. And she was generally horrible at kissing so it was bad all around.

I’m not as anxious as I normally would be. I feel quite relaxed actually. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I know she is real. She exists. She not some weirdo posting fake pics on craigslist.

Something happened to her this past week where she had to make a pretty big decision. She told me about it, but because it took me so long to answer she though it scared me off. It did not. I was just unable to answer right away. I read it and answered. When I was able to finally to take in what she was telling me I realized that she had taken the time to consider how I would feel about it.

The way I saw it I didn’t think my feelings about the situation mattered at all, but she thought they did and I really appreciated that. That put any lingering doubt I had about her taking this seriously out of my mind. She told me straight up that she was hoping to establish something with me. I told her that I was hoping for the same.

It’s been difficult, especially with it being the holidays, trying to plan a meet up, but last night we set this upcoming Thursday as a tentative date to meet. I have no idea what we are going to do. Early on I suggested dinner and a movie. Classic. But I think we may keep it at a lunch. We both have odd schedules and she has responsibilities that I do not. Kids.

I’m looking forward to finally meeting her. I would like to feel some excitement, but the truth is I don’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve been down this path so many times and have become too cynical to get my hopes up that this will lead anywhere, but where it always leads- me getting ghosted on.

So I am going to just focus on and enjoy the time we spend together.

 

the beginning

She finally responded. I asked when’s the best time to chat with her. She told me to hit her up on another app because she is not on KIK a lot. I gave her my number and later that night she messaged me. We’ve been exchanging messages ever since.

I’ve been trying to flirt and be forward, but not too forward because I don’t want to come off desperate and creepy. She responded positively to my little attempts at being a flirt. Now only if I can have a conversation that doesn’t seem like an interview.

Ghosts

I’ll get into the aftermath of my last post another time.

For now, what’s on my mind is the phone conversation that wrapped up a little over an hour ago. I will try to get out as many thoughts as I can before my sleeping pill kicks in. I believe I have written about her before. Eh, I’m too lazy to go look at old posts and I’m not in the mood to cringe.

Anyway, I met her when I was going through the whole casual sex thing. We never met up for sex. Only messaged, talked on the phone and had lunch once. She has 4 kids and had a boyfriend. Her life got busy and I got tired of waiting so I let things die a quiet death. I was bummed. If nothing else I liked listening to her. That accent. But she had a boyfriend, kids and a lot going on. I didn’t want to compete with any of that.

A couple of months later I received a text out of nowhere. “Who’s this?” I was crushed. She didn’t even remember who I was. I wrote back,

“No one. Please delete my number. I’m sure we’re never going to meet up again.”

Ah. That fragile ego talking.

“Ok.” she responded. I thought that would be the end of it. I felt bad that I lashed out like that. I would think of her fleetingly. I’d try to say something bad about her to make myself not like her, but I couldn’t. I’d just smile and say I was being petty. After Thanksgiving I received another text from her. I got upset. Not at her, but at that weird situation I will I was going through. I told her to stop messaging me.

Then the next day I woke up and  checked my phone and she had called me. I messaged her asking her why she called me. She genuinely did not know who I was. I started teasing her at that point and after a while she remembered who I was and we had a brief, but cool conversation. That was a week ago.

Tonight when I got home from work I had another text from her. I texted her back and asked a question. Then she called. That accent.

We talked. I mean she talked. I mainly giggled like a schoolgirl and listened. She told me that things didn’t work out with her boyfriend and that he had moved out. Funny, I didn’t feel anything. I feel like my response should have been “Yes! Time to strike!” But nah. I’m not setting myself up like that. She also told me that he had become uncomfortable with us talking so much and she ended up hiding my number under someone else’s name. Something happened with her phone, blah, blah, blah and that’s why she didn’t recognize my number.

We talked about a few other things. Surprisingly, she remembered quite a bit about me. I really thought she didn’t know who I was. Then she said she wanted me to come over to her place. It was 4:30am. I’m was not going anywhere. I would have loved to see her and if she lived right around the corner I would have, but she lives too far away for me to be going anywhere at 4:30 in the morning.

Instead of just saying no and explaining why, I danced around the topic. She straight up called me out and I liked every second of it. She said she just gave me an opportunity to see her and I turned it down. True. She said I need to be more flexible. True. I live a very strict life and the truth is I have to mentally prepare myself to meet anyone. Although, I know I made the right decision, I still wish I would have gone. It was her turn to do the teasing.

She invited me out for tonight. I’m sure it’s not going to happen. I doubt we will actually talk at all today. She’s kind of flighty and I think she only hits me up when she drinks. I’ve kinda pushed the thought of anything ever happening between us or us ever actually seeing each other again out of my head. I will allow the texts and phone calls. If I even dare to hope for anything more I know it will end in disappointment and I am just not in a place to handle that right now.

 

what a difference a few days make

I’ve written a few times about how I get turned off when women, well, anybody really,sends me naked or very suggestive pictures of themselves. I don’t feel there is anything wrong with naked or suggestive pictures, I like them, I do (only from women), but I just don’t want to receive them before I even know what the names are. I received two more last night. Nothing. They did nothing for me.

There was a point after it happened before last night when I started to think that maybe there is something wrong with me. Why didn’t things like this turn me on? I should be attracted to the female body, right? I am a lesbian after all.

I thought about my exes who sent me naked pics. My last ex would send me, well, not naked pics, but pretty suggestive ones and they both really turned me on. The difference was I had gotten to know them before they sent them. Even if we had not met yet, which was the case with the last ex, pics of her cleavage or legs would really get to me. It was hot!

I have been chatting with a woman for four day now. We’re trying to set up a casual sex situation. We both are up to it. Our conversations have been nice. I really have no idea what to do. I’m not a forward person, but this is all about sex so I’m trying to keep it to that. Yesterday I asked her about her “grooming” habits. She told me she would send me a pic to show me. That turned me on. I was excited. I was practically salivating at work thinking about seeing a picture of her pussy.

I was not disappointed.

Good grief. It was beautiful and her tits… Jesus. We’re supposed to meet on Friday. I hope it goes well.

how do you casual sex?

I received another message from someone who is looking for something “casual”. I want something casual, but I don’t know how to do it. I have been in a casual, friends with benefits situation before, but it was with a man and he took care of everything. All I had to do was show up. Strangely enough, it’s the healthiest sexual relationship I have ever been in. Unfortunately, once I found out he was married, I ended things.

I remember we kept things very cool. We’d meet once a week at a cheap motel, fuck, talk a little and that was that. It was great. I guess that’s all I have to do now. But I have to invite them over to my place because they both have boyfriends and I’m too cheap to pay for a motel room. I don’t mind them coming over. My place is nice. It’s just with them coming over to my place, it’s going to be up to me to make the first move and I suck so bad at that.

I guess I can take a little comfort in knowing that the only reason we are meeting is to have sex. There is no “want to come over and watch a movie” and then hoping we have sex. Both of these women have stated they want to fuck.

Ugh, I’m putting way too much thought into this.

terrible decisions

I received a response to my latest craigslist ad. It’s from a 30 year old Latina. She’s actually attractive to me. Our text exchanges were lightning fast. We hashed out what we were both looking for. I told her I’m pretty open at the moment. She told me she has a boyfriend whom she did not want knowing about her attraction to women.She’s looking for someone to help explore that side with.

She says she has been trying for a few years to meet a woman to have sex with, but most don’t believe she is actually a woman. I’m not sure that I do either which is why we will be meeting at a very public place. I usually don’t mess with women who are just looking to explore, but since I’m still on the fence on whether or not I want to pursue the relationship avenue, it will be nice to just play around and not worry about feelings and commitment and all that crap.

I am a little concerned because she has a boyfriend. I’ve been with a married person before, but I had no idea about the wife until after we’d already fucked. I felt terrible. I’ve never knowingly hooked up with an attached person. Honestly, I still want to have sex with her, I just don’t want to get my ass kicked by a jealous partner.

fun with kik 2.1

This post tacks onto the one I wrote yesterday about the woman I didn’t find attractive possibly rejecting me. That didn’t happen because I didn’t send a picture.

We chatted a bit and in between texts she would send a picture. It was not helping the situation. If anything, the more pictures she sent the worse it got. I could tell from her profile photo that she was an older lady. She has a short old lady body. You know the one where they are not fat, but also not skinny and have the skinny legs? She also has the classic older lesbian haircut. And she had a Rosie O’Donnell smile. Where it doesn’t look like she’s smiling, she’s just showing you her teeth? That kind of smile.

I tried to steer the conversation away from photos because they were not doing it for me. In one of the photos she looked like she was getting ready to attack the person taking the picture. Why would you send that to someone? She kept dropping hints that she was only looking for a hook-up. Whew! A way out.Then she sent me a picture of her in black lace panties with her legs spread. Yikes! I told her we were looking for different things and I got the hell out of that conversation. Felt like I was looking at someone’s grandma.

homerbleach

fun with kik

I always thought kik was for teenagers. It probably is, but thanks to perusing craigslist ads I have discovered that a lot of adults use it too. I started a kik account and attached my kik name to my post. I received a response from a woman that was one or two words. I played along for a little while thinking at some point she would surprise me with a complete sentence. She didn’t.

Once it got to the point where I felt like my head was going to explode, I told her that the conversation sucked (I put it a little nicer than that, but that was how I felt). Her response was to send me a picture of her tits. I thanked her and once again reiterated that I was not interested. I told her that even though I thought her tits were nice, I was looking for good conversation. Her response to that was to send me a picture of her pussy. She kept sending me suggestive pictures. I asked her if she was looking for a fuck buddy. She said yes. I told her that I was not interested in that and asked her to stop sending me pictures.

Fuck my luck. Now, if I were looking for a fuck buddy there is no way I would have ever gotten that lucky.

picky

I am way too picky for someone with my looks.

Yesterday, I received an email from someone I had been talking to in a dating type way a couple of months ago. She sent me one of those “I just wanted to check in on you” emails. I didn’t mind. I thought it was rather nice. We were supposed to meet for  a date…twice. She flaked…twice. There was not going to be a third. I wished her luck.

She sent a picture to me during the ending texts. I felt relieved because I did not find her attractive at all, so our not meeting saved me a few hours of pretending. She looked old. We’re the same age. Well, I’m actually a few months older than her, but she looks way older than me and I look old. She was wearing shades and she had old lady hands. I was not upset about that one at all.

I also won’t date anyone larger than me. 150lbs is my limit. I tried it, but didn’t like it. I was going with this one chick last year who was fatter than me. She was about 5’1 and over 200lbs. “Give it a chance.” I told myself. “Stop being so picky.” I told myself. “You like talking to her. Who cares about weight?” I asked myself. Apparently, I do. I hadn’t even realized that all of the women I had dated were smaller than me.

When we hugged I couldn’t get my arms around her. When I back hugged her and went to put my hand in her panties to feel around I couldn’t get to her pussy because her tummy was in the way. I tried lifting it, but just couldn’t get to it. That had never happened before. I didn’t know what to do. I remember her laying on me our first night together. I couldn’t breathe. I felt bad for the women I had been with. And when we spooned I couldn’t really maneuver to finger her from that position. It was one of my favorites.

Going down on her was okay, but I remember looking up and only being able to see the mountain of flesh that was her stomach. I couldn’t see her face at all. With other girls I could look up and see them playing with their tits or something. See the expression on their faces. I fought with myself to get it out of my head, but I didn’t like it at all.

Also her lips were so thin and she was a terrible kisser. She never moved her head. It just stayed tilted in that one position. This woman was 36 years old! She had been in a relationship for nearly 10 years yet, she kissed like someone who had never done it before. I remember the first night we kissed, I kept going in for more kisses because I was trying to get a feel for her. Later that night she said that was the first time anyone had tried to kiss her more than once. Oh my god I had to contain my laughter. I wanted to say, “No one has ever gone back because you are God awful at it.” Geez.

The last night we were together I remember her going to her closet for something and that was the first time I had a really good view of her. Yikes! She was wearing granny panties and holy shit did she look fat. She was on her knees rooting around in her closet for something and I was cringing the whole time. It was awful.

pickypickypicky

Well, the top half is accurate.

I have dismissed for almost anything: I don’t like their name. They’re too fat. Too skinny. Hair too short. Too long. I don’t like their voice. They have blue eyes. They’re blonde. Their nose looks too pointy. Their eyes are too big. They look too manly. They wear too much make up. Their lips are too thin. Their lips are too thick. Their skin is too dark. Their skin is too pale. They send me a picture of them doing one of those bathroom poses with their butts sticking out and their leg bent. They are doing duck lips in a picture. They wear mom jeans. They use the word “literally”. They use the word “like” more than once in ten minutes. They text in abbreviations. *shudder* Their eyebrows are not on point.The list goes on.

I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.