fun with kik: nail in the coffin

And just like that my kik chat room is no more. I said my farewell and removed everyone. This happened a couple of weeks ago and I feel much better about it. I loved the  middle part when we had found a groove, but we as humans can’t stand to leave things nice.

inching closer to the lamp post

In my chat group the subject of stds was brought up. Surprisingly by me. It sprung up from a comment I’d made about becoming emotionally attached to a fuck buddy being my second biggest fear. Contracting an std is the biggest.

After that fear was revealed, the woman I’d been trying to date seriously sent me a private message, asking me if the person I was seeing was the marrying type would I still date them if they had an std.

Oh man. This wasn’t going to be good. I told her it was something I would have to think about and asked her straight out if she had an std.

“Yes. I have herpes.”

And there is the drop. Dammit.

narnia

Chlamydia, crabs, gonorrhea, I can deal with. Hepatitis, herpes, HIV, I do not fuck with. Sorry. I handled it as delicately as I could while still trying to be honest. It must have been a difficult thing to tell me. To tell anyone. She said she got it from her ex. She gave me an out by saying she would understand if I just wanted to be friends. It really didn’t help matters that the day before she had flaked on our meetup and we’d gotten into a little argument about it.

I really don’t know what to do. Kids, living with ex-husband and now herpes. And I’m an asshole because I’m lusting after someone else. This whole thing is a mess.

 

random thoughts: kik confusion

I started another kik group. I don’t know why I can’t stay away from that place. This group is for lesbian and bi women who are looking for fuck buddies. I posted in the casual section of craigslist because even though every personal section of craigslist seems to be filled with people looking for fuck buddies, this section is specifically designated for that purpose. I have 33 members. It started out poppin. People were excited. Flirting, posting naughty pics and gifs and talking about what they are looking for. Now it seems to have turned into everyone saying good morning and then prattling on about how boring their lives are. Myself included.

Wtf?

How did I let this happen again?

The other night someone brought up the current situation. It seems some of the women had been in a private chat with someone from the group and after pictures were exchanged the other person just stopped responding. Then they complained about how they could not meet any one.

“Maybe the attraction wasn’t there.” One of the members responded. Valid point, but why not just tell the person that?

That member who complained made a great point. I’ve already seen three times someone suggest a meeting and then the others make excuses about why they cannot attend. I really don’t know what the point of joining the group was.

They all found my ad through casual encounters on fucking craigslist. So why are we all being such prudes?

I don’t doubt the desires are real, but sometimes I think women like this just enjoy the thought of being with another woman, having other women flirt with them, but when it comes time to actually act on it, they retreat.

Most of the women in the group are bi and have male partners. I believe only three of them have actually been with another woman and I’m one of two actual lesbians in the group. So out of 33 women you have 5 women who have been with other women. I’m not understanding exactly what is going on.

On the upside it’s nice to know that I am not the only person who has problems meeting women. There are more than a few very attractive women in the group who have gotten ghosted on. I guess it’s not easy for any one.

 

 

the beginning

She finally responded. I asked when’s the best time to chat with her. She told me to hit her up on another app because she is not on KIK a lot. I gave her my number and later that night she messaged me. We’ve been exchanging messages ever since.

I’ve been trying to flirt and be forward, but not too forward because I don’t want to come off desperate and creepy. She responded positively to my little attempts at being a flirt. Now only if I can have a conversation that doesn’t seem like an interview.

Fun With Kik: Random Nothing

kik

The longest lasting group I’ve created on the messenger app KIK is a group for Studs and Femmes. A group filled with masculine leaning lesbians and bi women who adore femme lesbian and bi women and vice versa. At its height I had 50 members. That was really my goal- to fill the room. Only four or five members ever engaged in conversation at a time, but it was fun to be a part of.

The group went through three waves. The first wave included some very extroverted members. One was a stud who basically came in and ran the room. I was even intimidated by her. She made ever person I added after her feel special which was a plus. She flirted, but she also like to play them against each other. She actually had women in the group pining for her attention and they would throw shade at each other if they weren’t getting it. It was wild.

There was one young chick (19) who fell hard for her. The stud played with her and would pull me and another member into a private group to make fun of her and a few of the other members. I didn’t like that because I knew they were doing the same thing to me. I didn’t like the direction the group was going. It became a very negative space and I noticed that members were afraid to talk or were trying to gain the studs favor. I all but abandoned it.

I’d planned on starting another group. I already had a starting line up. I went back and forth. This was MY group. Why was I leaving? I added the line up to the group. This did not make the stud and a few of her followers happy. They decided to make a scene and leave. She texted me laughing. I stayed calm and let her know that I was glad she and her partners left and I wished her the best of luck. She asked if we could stay friends.

“Nah, I’m good.” I told her.

Thanks was that.

The second wave was bit cooler. The earthy, laid back intellectual type. The conversations were better. Deep. Meaningful. And just the right amount of slang was used. However, it was not without controversy.

Without knowing I’d added a member that used to date one of the already existing members. They were in the group together for a few weeks before anyone found out. the already existing member had started dating another already existing member. We found out the day she posted a picture of them at the beach together. Every one congratulated them and became hopeful that they too would meet someone. What we didn’t know is that there was an ulterior motive behind the posting of that picture.

One day the member who posted the picture started posting poetry. As the days went on the poetry got darker. After we didn’t hear from her for a few days another member asked about her and that’s when it all came out. The newest member of the group posted some screenshots of their text conversation. It was weird and uncomfortable.

The tone was very dark. She was blaming the new chick and had mentioned suicide. It turns out that the new chick and poetry girl were a thing at some point. But poetry girl was too unstable and volatile and the new chick could not handle it. It came out that poetry girl had posted the pic of her and the other girl she met in the group to make the new chick jealous. It didn’t and that fact coupled with the girl she met in group breaking up with her pushed her over the edge. We were all in shock. No one knew what to say after that. They all ended up leaving.

During that second wave I added a member who I myself was interested in. She’s very pretty. But I thought it would be weird to hit on her since I was running the group and I definitely did not want another weird situation like the two previous ones. Plus when I added her she immediately got hit on a lot. I couldn’t compete with those who had her in their sights. I retreated to my position as the shrinking violet.

As time went on the group slowly died. We had forty five members, but only two or three ever talked. Even though, she was still a member, the pretty girl never said anything. I assumed she met someone and forgotten she was in the group.

A week ago the pretty girl reappeared. I didn’t even think about trying. I’d added a gorgeous married chick who immediately went after her. At this point I had posted a personal ad. One day I checked my KIK and I had a message from the pretty girl. I thought she was asking me a question about the group, but no. She’d read my ad. I played coy. We exchanged a few messages. She sent me a pic and I sent her one. No response. Two days later no response. Great my face scared her away. Sigh.

I deleted the messages and tried not to think about her. I felt it was strange that she did not respond to me. She was still in the group and from the conversations I saw of hers in the group, she didn’t seem like the type who would just ghost.

Last night I received a message from the pretty girl. She told me that her phone had been stolen. I believed her. I told her that the group was on death’s door, and I’d started another one and asked if she was interested in joining. I fought with myself about telling her. I’d finally had a chance to get to know her without prying eyes and here I am throwing her into the lions den.

“What if I am interested in you? What group is that?” she quipped.

I was not expecting that. I think I’m going to see where this goes.

 

 

 

Cynthia

She did it. Not once. But twice. I let her back in. I drank the kool-aid and I ended up getting burned twice. Sigh. Cynthia. Why do I even bother?

redflag

In my last post I mentioned a ghost that found her way back into my mind. She wanted to go to a strip bar last week. Of course when I messaged to confirm, she said I should have messaged earlier because she could not make it. Excuse.

She called me that night. We talked. She had been drinking. I should have known then, but I was swept away in fantasy by that damn accent of hers. She wanted to meet for lunch the next day. I wanted to sleep, but I gave in. I texted close to lunch time that morning. No response. I called. Ignored. I sent her a few texts letting her know that she hurt my feelings. No response.

This past Wednesday morning around 4am, I received a message from her. No apology. Just a picture of the restaurant she wanted to go to. I kept my answers short and to the point- “no”.

She’s an alcoholic.

It took minute, but I see that I’m person she calls on when she’s had one too many drinks and she needs let out her woes. She has no use for me when she’s sober.

I’ve learned that- she and her boyfriend, the cheating drug dealer, broke up. The deal she had to buy a new house fell through and now she is living month to month in an apartment she cannot afford on her own. To make ends meet she is going to marry some dude from Hungary for $35,000 so he can get a green card. She has a friend who transitioned from male to female who thinks she’s in love with her and an emotional mess most of the time. She also started going to AA and it’s not working because she goes to a bar right after.

It’s red flag central. I wish it were different because I really do like her, but I also like being somewhat free of any drama in my life and from our two phone calls I see that she is nothing but.

Ghosts

I’ll get into the aftermath of my last post another time.

For now, what’s on my mind is the phone conversation that wrapped up a little over an hour ago. I will try to get out as many thoughts as I can before my sleeping pill kicks in. I believe I have written about her before. Eh, I’m too lazy to go look at old posts and I’m not in the mood to cringe.

Anyway, I met her when I was going through the whole casual sex thing. We never met up for sex. Only messaged, talked on the phone and had lunch once. She has 4 kids and had a boyfriend. Her life got busy and I got tired of waiting so I let things die a quiet death. I was bummed. If nothing else I liked listening to her. That accent. But she had a boyfriend, kids and a lot going on. I didn’t want to compete with any of that.

A couple of months later I received a text out of nowhere. “Who’s this?” I was crushed. She didn’t even remember who I was. I wrote back,

“No one. Please delete my number. I’m sure we’re never going to meet up again.”

Ah. That fragile ego talking.

“Ok.” she responded. I thought that would be the end of it. I felt bad that I lashed out like that. I would think of her fleetingly. I’d try to say something bad about her to make myself not like her, but I couldn’t. I’d just smile and say I was being petty. After Thanksgiving I received another text from her. I got upset. Not at her, but at that weird situation I will I was going through. I told her to stop messaging me.

Then the next day I woke up and  checked my phone and she had called me. I messaged her asking her why she called me. She genuinely did not know who I was. I started teasing her at that point and after a while she remembered who I was and we had a brief, but cool conversation. That was a week ago.

Tonight when I got home from work I had another text from her. I texted her back and asked a question. Then she called. That accent.

We talked. I mean she talked. I mainly giggled like a schoolgirl and listened. She told me that things didn’t work out with her boyfriend and that he had moved out. Funny, I didn’t feel anything. I feel like my response should have been “Yes! Time to strike!” But nah. I’m not setting myself up like that. She also told me that he had become uncomfortable with us talking so much and she ended up hiding my number under someone else’s name. Something happened with her phone, blah, blah, blah and that’s why she didn’t recognize my number.

We talked about a few other things. Surprisingly, she remembered quite a bit about me. I really thought she didn’t know who I was. Then she said she wanted me to come over to her place. It was 4:30am. I’m was not going anywhere. I would have loved to see her and if she lived right around the corner I would have, but she lives too far away for me to be going anywhere at 4:30 in the morning.

Instead of just saying no and explaining why, I danced around the topic. She straight up called me out and I liked every second of it. She said she just gave me an opportunity to see her and I turned it down. True. She said I need to be more flexible. True. I live a very strict life and the truth is I have to mentally prepare myself to meet anyone. Although, I know I made the right decision, I still wish I would have gone. It was her turn to do the teasing.

She invited me out for tonight. I’m sure it’s not going to happen. I doubt we will actually talk at all today. She’s kind of flighty and I think she only hits me up when she drinks. I’ve kinda pushed the thought of anything ever happening between us or us ever actually seeing each other again out of my head. I will allow the texts and phone calls. If I even dare to hope for anything more I know it will end in disappointment and I am just not in a place to handle that right now.

 

Aaaannnddd I’m Back

Have I really not posted anything since August? Yikes. Where did I leave off? I think I was trying to navigate the world of casual sex. Yea, that didn’t work out and I gave up. Am not cut out for it.

I was also wallowing in depression, junk food and laziness. It was a hazy couple of months. But I’m doing better.

I celebrated one year since I moved back home November 1st. I was converted from temp to full time employee at the job I’ve been temping at for a year. I am living in my dream apartment. 

I’ve started exercising and trying to eat healthier. And the most surprising thing is that I’m in a the early stages of budding romantic relationship.

I’m allowing myself to be cautiously optimistic . 

9 Days

It’s been 9 days since my first official casual hook up with a woman. I have not heard from her. I’m ok with that. I did text to say “hello” a few days in, but received no response. I don’t feel good about it, but I also don’t feel bad about it. Well, not my usual bad anyway.

I’ve given our meeting a lot of thought. I’ve gone over what I liked. What I didn’t like and what I would change going forward. Again, my biggest fear is getting emotionally attached or trying to form some sort of relationship outside of sex with these women. Trying to accept that sometimes it’s going to be a one time thing. We will have sex and I will never hear from the woman again. That’s fine. It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with me. In this case, she has a long term boyfriend and four kids. That makes it easier. Less complicated. You know, unless the guy finds out.

The sex was ok. Not my best at all. When she told me she didn’t think she would cum, that kind of zapped the passion right out of me. I didn’t even want to try after that. I’ve been with a woman who did not have an orgasm with me, but she never told me she didn’t think it would happen. We still had fun.

This was a frantic meeting. It was her first time with a woman and she had all these fantasies and we didn’t have a lot of time so she wanted to do as much as she could. Things you see in porn are not always easy to pull off in real life. She also kept switching the feminine and masculine roles. I like playing masculine only, even if it’s submissive. I can’t be feminine. I was surprised at just how uncomfortable I was with it. It just felt weird.

The kissing was better than it was with the last woman I was with. The last one didn’t move her head at all. This one moved it too much. It was all over the place. I gave up a few times. Also she had facial stubble. Not a beard, but a patch of stubble. That caught me off guard. I’ve never felt that on a woman before. Not on the face anyway. That also knocked the passion down a notch.  I know I’m headed towards that some day. I’ll pluck as long as I can.

I did love how excited she was. She really made me feel wanted. We paid each other a lot of compliments, but I don’t think we are sexually compatible. At first I thought it was because of the orgasm comment, but it’s not. I think for her situation she needs a woman with a higher level of freaky in them. Someone who is really dominant and I’m just not. I’m not ashamed to admit it, I’m pretty vanilla. I’m a slow groove kind of person. I love to take my time. It could be a while before my clothes are completely off. Kissing is very important. My favorite part of the whole experience was when we sat on my sofa and talked before sex and after sex when she asked me to hold her.

vanillahaagendazs

I think I’m going to continue on this casual sex, friends with benefits journey. This was interesting. It was exciting. It was fun. The good outweighed the awkward and I dodged getting emotionally attached. Thank, Jeebus.

 

 

what a difference a few days make

I’ve written a few times about how I get turned off when women, well, anybody really,sends me naked or very suggestive pictures of themselves. I don’t feel there is anything wrong with naked or suggestive pictures, I like them, I do (only from women), but I just don’t want to receive them before I even know what the names are. I received two more last night. Nothing. They did nothing for me.

There was a point after it happened before last night when I started to think that maybe there is something wrong with me. Why didn’t things like this turn me on? I should be attracted to the female body, right? I am a lesbian after all.

I thought about my exes who sent me naked pics. My last ex would send me, well, not naked pics, but pretty suggestive ones and they both really turned me on. The difference was I had gotten to know them before they sent them. Even if we had not met yet, which was the case with the last ex, pics of her cleavage or legs would really get to me. It was hot!

I have been chatting with a woman for four day now. We’re trying to set up a casual sex situation. We both are up to it. Our conversations have been nice. I really have no idea what to do. I’m not a forward person, but this is all about sex so I’m trying to keep it to that. Yesterday I asked her about her “grooming” habits. She told me she would send me a pic to show me. That turned me on. I was excited. I was practically salivating at work thinking about seeing a picture of her pussy.

I was not disappointed.

Good grief. It was beautiful and her tits… Jesus. We’re supposed to meet on Friday. I hope it goes well.

fun with kik 2.1

This post tacks onto the one I wrote yesterday about the woman I didn’t find attractive possibly rejecting me. That didn’t happen because I didn’t send a picture.

We chatted a bit and in between texts she would send a picture. It was not helping the situation. If anything, the more pictures she sent the worse it got. I could tell from her profile photo that she was an older lady. She has a short old lady body. You know the one where they are not fat, but also not skinny and have the skinny legs? She also has the classic older lesbian haircut. And she had a Rosie O’Donnell smile. Where it doesn’t look like she’s smiling, she’s just showing you her teeth? That kind of smile.

I tried to steer the conversation away from photos because they were not doing it for me. In one of the photos she looked like she was getting ready to attack the person taking the picture. Why would you send that to someone? She kept dropping hints that she was only looking for a hook-up. Whew! A way out.Then she sent me a picture of her in black lace panties with her legs spread. Yikes! I told her we were looking for different things and I got the hell out of that conversation. Felt like I was looking at someone’s grandma.

homerbleach

fun with kik 2

A woman started messaging me yesterday on Kik. Today she sent me a picture. Um. She’s not unattractive, but she is definitely not my type. I was thinking of sending her a pic, which I rarely ever do, in hopes that it will scare her off and I don’t have to fade. But then I was thinking, if I send the pic and she stops responding I will feel bad because a woman who is not my type found me unattractive. Yes, I know how fucked up that sounds.

Destined to be alone.